Compassion is one of the most important but most poorly understood concepts. Some people equate the word ‘compassion’ with kindness. Others equate being compassionate with being ‘soft’ or as being a ‘weakness’.
This page builds upon previous posts I have made which discuss the common myths about compassion and it introduces a very helpful concept – which will help you identify which aspects of compassion you find difficult. These difficulties will be collectively referred to as Fears, Blocks & Resistances (FBRs) to Compassion.
We know from recent research (here & here), that fears of offering compassion to oneself and others, and fears of receiving compassion from others, continues to significantly predict poorer social safeness and poorer mental health outcomes. Thus, the following page aims to explore the causes of these fears.
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Compassion Defined
A standard definition of compassion involves two-parts: “Sensitivity to the causes of suffering in one’s self and others” (Part A), combined with the “commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it” (Part B).
This does not just mean ‘being kind’ – Compassion may involve coming into contact with suffering so that you can do whatever is necessary to help reduce or stop it. Think of a mother throwing herself in harm’s way so as to protect her children (doing whatever needs doing!).
What this means is being willing to understand the nature and causes of suffering while also being willing and courageous enough to come into contact with (vs avoiding) that suffering, so that we can actually do something to eliminate or prevent further harm in the best ways that we can.
As you will see, this not always easy to do. Most people coming to therapy are eager to “alleviate” their suffering (the second part of the definition), but at the same time they are in fact insensitiveto their own suffering. Read on, to find out why this is!
Firstly, compassion is a caring motivation that requires immense courage and an important set of inter-related motivations and skills that consist of: Having precise and sensitive awareness of suffering (Sensitivity); allowing ourselves to feel moved (Sympathy);having an ability to understand what is going on from different perspectives (Empathy); having an ability to tolerate distress (Distress Tolerance); and, having a non-judgmental attitude regarding what is going on (awareness of distress without ‘adding to it’ or going to threat / protective strategies).
Compassionate actions are caring and offer safeness to the recipient in times of need. In the Animal Kingdom, mothers of many species behave in nurturing ways that attend to the needs of their young – needs to provide food, comfort, and safety. Humans can also be seen doing these actions too – eg, mothers can often respond to distressed cries of their children who are seek attention, soothing, reassurance, and safeness.
Unfortunately, due to painful emotional or interpersonal experiences from our developmental histories (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, parental hostility, neglect or unresponsiveness), many people develop difficulties with the skills associated with Compassion and consequently experience one or more blocks to giving or receiving Compassion. In other words, these individuals have learned to associate warmth, closeness, caring, and soothing, with loss, pain, or Threat.
This is a significant problem, because as discussed below, a block to one or more of the three flows of Compassion is common across all mental health difficulties.
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The Three Flows of Compassion
There are three flows of compassion:
Giving compassionto others
Receiving Compassion fromothers
Giving (and receiving) Compassion to the Self(Self-Compassion)
Fears, Blocks, or Resistances (FBRs) in any of these will indicate that a ‘threat’ orientation dominates an individual’s inner and outer world with respect to that particular aspect of Compassion. As you will see – this can play out in very complex ways. Read on…
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Fears, Blocks, & Resistances (FBRs) to Compassion:
To Others: People often report that it is ‘easier’ to be compassionate towards others than it is to one’s self. We know that many people who treat others with compassion are harsher when it comes to how they treat themselves. However, when there are FBRs regarding giving Compassion to Others, this is often due to fears such as: “I will lose something” / “Others will take advantage of me” / “I cannot tolerate others’ distress”. Although to the recipient this may appear to be a complete “empathic failure”, such blocks are in fact protective strategies that make a lot of sense when you consider a person’s developmental history. FBRs in response to giving Compassion To Others are very common in people who experience intense anger, interpersonal mistrust, and narcissism and can lead to behaviours that hurt others and isolate the individual, resulting a deep sense of loneliness.
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From Others: The main themes behind FBRs in response to receiving compassion from Others is – mistrust:‘”I don’t trust other peoples’ motives – Why are they being so nice to me … what do they want… ?” “I fear if I need people to be kind, then they won’t be” “If someone is being kind to me, I put up a barrier”. People with this block have often either experienced a trauma, or have been repeatedly hurt, abandoned, or let down by others during significant times of need. Having a low trust in others could be thus viewed as a protective strategy – and one that makes a lot of sense.
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To Self: Having FBRs around Compassion directed towards the self happens when one becomes insensitive to one’s own needs. Commonly cited FBRs include: “I fear that if I develop compassion towards myself then I will become someone I don’t want to be” “I fear I will become a weak person” “I don’t deserve it!” “If I am nice to myself – I won’t get anything done” “If I allow myself to feel sad, then I will become overwhelmed with loss / grief”. There are many reasons why someone may respond in this way. Some people may have had a history of either being uncared or punished for having certain feelings and so they have learned that their needs are not important and thus they have ‘switched off’ their awareness of their own needs. For other people, the idea of engaging in self-compassionate, may trigger the threat system and is thus avoided. This is because one of the most common barriers to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past.
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Fears of Compassion From Others and Towards Self
You might be surprised to learn that FBRs to receiving Compassion from others and FBRs regarding efforts to direct compassion towards Self are both closely related concepts. Specifically, what we know about FBRs to these Flows of Compassion is that people who experience blocks regarding the flow of compassion towards self are generally also blocked when it comes to receiving it from others. For instance, research has found that fear of compassion for self was linked to fear of compassion from others, and both were associated with self-coldness, self-criticism, insecure attachment, and depression, anxiety, and stress.
This is understandable, because both tap into the same overall concept of ‘receiving compassion‘. Often, we can use this understanding skillfully to open ourselves up to Self-Compassion gradually – by first being more receptive to noticing and receiving compassion from others (yes others – not ourselves). I liken this to opening a door or window just a l i t t l e and v e r y gently – just enough to let a tiny little bit of light in.
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For many people, this can be easier than being directly compassionate towards one’s self and it benefits you because you a strengthening your ability to receive compassion as a general concept. Practicing Self-Compassion can come next.
One takeaway message is that the common saying “You can’t be kind to others, if you can’t be kind to yourself”is completely untrue because we know from the research that many people who are highly caring of others at the same time struggle with Self-Compassion. Furthermore, the developing one of these skills doesn’t necessarily lead to having the other. To become more compassionate and self-compassionate, we have to work on developing both skills. This calls for us to be aware of our FRBs and then to take action.
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What to do about it?
Self-compassion is an important predictor of mental health. As I’ve written about here, people with more self-compassion are more resilient in the face of set-backs or failure, less likely to experience depression, less likely to ruminate on negative social experiences, and more open to mental health treatment. Essentially, it pays to develop Self-Compassion: The greater your capacity to respond with Self-Compassion, the more resilient you will become.
Although Mindfulness can assist with the ‘Sensitivity’ part of Compassion, a significant amount of people experience some form of block and/or fear to opening up to the full flow of compassion. Many clients I see want help with the alleviation part of their suffering, but they are completely insensitive to being with the causes of suffering. Basically, they want to get to the ‘fix’ without caring for the part of themselves that is injured in the first place.
People who lack of Self-Compassion experience intense shame and self-criticism. As I discussed elsewhere this triggers the Threat System, which can result in self-attacking (self-harm) or a complete collapsing around their difficulty (depression).
If you find it hard receiving compassion from others, or you find it hard giving positive emotions or acting in caring ways towards yourself – you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance. As was discussed earlier, the reasons are completely understandable and they most likely relate to your developmental history.
I will write further self-help articles on how to develop the Compassionate Self when I get the time, but until then, please check out my page on Self-Compassion which has a list of resources at the end of the article.
Summary:
Despite the similar names, Compassion and Self-Compassion are two distinct skills.
There are three flows of compassion: to others, fromothers, and to the Self (Self-Compassion).
For some people, due to their developmental histories and emotional learning, Compassion and Self-Compassion may trigger a ‘threat’ response, giving rise to avoidance or even fear reactions.
Fears, Blocks, or Resistances (FBRs) are protective strategies that can play out in very complex ways.
FBRs around Self-Compassion are commonly expressed as shame and self-attacking, such as self-criticism. This is very common in depression.
The reasons for FBRs are completely understandable and they most likely relate to your developmental history and your learning about positive emotions.
Understand the relationship between FBRs about Compassion From Others and To Self…
If you find it difficult to allow or receive compassion from others, or you find it difficult acting in caring ways towards yourself – you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.
Here is a collection of 10 Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) exercises by Professor Paul Gilbert, the creator of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). Paul Gilbert has been knighted Order of the British Empire (OBE) for his life’s contribution to the Psychology profession.
Here are audio exercises from the Centre for Compassion Focused Therapy & Mindfulness Focused CBT (New York)
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience. My intentions are to help you to feel safe and respected, to collaborate with you to set clear treatment goals, and to facilitate an exploration of yourself and your situation in ways that regular conversations do not normally allow. Together, I hope we can discover constructive ways to improve your situation and your relationship with yourself and others.
My expertise and training draws from the latest evidenced-based ways to work with the mind, the body and all difficult emotions. My listening skills allow me to identify stuck patterns and unexpressed needs. I can help you to find new ways of responding to difficult situations, and I can help you to develop more resilience in the face of life’s challenges so you live with more meaning and purpose.
Medicare rebates are available for all Australians for up to 10 sessions each year with a GP referral and a mental health care plan. No matter where you live in Australia, Medicare rebates apply for all face-to-face and Telehealth consultations.
For immediate self-help, I have written practical articles containing tools to help you with a wide-range of topics. These articles are available here. If you are new to therapy, I recommend that you read this article to help you get the most out of therapy.
I look forward to working with you.
Dr Andreas Comninos
B.Psych (Hons), PhD (Clin Psych), MAPS, EMDRAA
PhD Clinical Psychologist
EMDRAA Accredited Practitioner
Psychology Board Approved Supervisor
Dr Andreas Comninos
PhD Clinical Psychologist
EMDRAA Accredited Practitioner
Psychology Board Approved Supervisor
B.Psych (Hons), PhD (ClinPsych), ACBS, MAPS
About me.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience. My intentions are to help you to feel safe and respected, to collaborate with you to set clear treatment goals, and to facilitate an exploration of yourself and your situation in ways that regular conversations do not normally allow. Together, I hope we can discover constructive ways to improve your situation and your relationship with yourself and others.
My expertise and training draws from the latest evidenced-based ways to work with the mind, the body and all difficult emotions. My listening skills allow me to identify stuck patterns and unexpressed needs. I can help you to find new ways of responding to difficult situations, and I can help you to develop more resilience in the face of life’s challenges so you can live with more meaning and purpose.
Medicare rebates are available for all Australians for up to 10 sessions each year with a GP referral and a mental health care plan. No matter where you live in Australia, Medicare rebates apply for all face-to-face and Telehealth consultations.
For immediate self-help, I have written practical articles containing tools to help you with a wide-range of topics. These articles are available here. If you are new to therapy, I recommend that you read this article to help you get the most out of therapy.
This page isn’t just about negative thinking—it’s also about something your brain likely believes it knows but actually may not. If you struggle with negative thoughts, it’s possible that your subconscious brain has not fully learned to distinguish between the stories it creates—thoughts, imagery, memories, and predictions—and the reality of the information received through your five senses.
This information applies to all of us: Being unaware of this difference and not having the skills to wilfully discriminate between these two sources of information, leaves us open and vulnerable to being ‘pushed around’ and influenced by whatever our minds are focusing on. Although this may be ‘nice’ when we are daydreaming about pleasant things – this means a whole world of suffering and anguish if we are engaging in distressing, anxiety-provoking or threat-based mental processes.
If you struggle with negative thoughts or other mental challenges, I strongly recommend working with a clinical psychologist. They can help you better understand your brain’s threat system and teach you how to use mindfulness and other techniques to ‘unhook’ from troubling thoughts. Clinical psychologists can develop practical exercises tailored to your unique situation, ensuring that you can apply this knowledge effectively.
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Your Threat System:
All humans and other mammals (including: dogs, cats, apes, tigers, mice, elephants, gorillas, pandas, horses, whales, and dolphins) have a pair of amygdala an almond-shape set of neurons located deep in the brain’s medial temporal lobe. These form part of our limbic system (aka ‘threat system’), the oldest part of the brain that helps to protect us and keep us safe. In other words, Threat System = Survival (survival emotions and instincts).
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Information from our senses passes through our brain’s limbic system and this forms part of its threat-processing system. The limbic system keeps us safe, by evaluating whether or not something is threatening. This includes information from both our 5 senses (the external world) AND all of the information generated by our mind (our internal world).
If the limbic (aka ‘threat system’) perceives something as a threat, it has the power to reorganise the mind and body by triggering a cascade of neurophysiological responses (like the fight-flight-freeze response!). This then completely reorients our mind’s focus and its attentional resources, and our motivations and our actions. These will then all work together to protect us from the perceived threat.
Without a healthy and functioning threat system, our species would be in serious trouble – we would not be motivated to protect ourselves from danger and we would likely take risks with catastrophic outcomes – humans would probably not have survived as long as we have.
However, although all information flows through this system, often our threat system does not know anything about quality or the source of the information flowing through it. Of all the information that our brain is constantly processing (i.e., information from all of our 5 senses AND the information being generated by our mind), our brain does not know the difference between real threats (the threats that we need to attend to – like a car speeding towards us as we walk cross a street while texting…) and perceived threats (threats that are created by our minds – such as when we imagine a future situation turning out negatively – which can trigger anxiety – or thinking badly about ourselves – which can cause us to engage in self-criticism or to feel shame).
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Negative Thinking & Threat
Your limbic system (aka your ‘threat system’) is only concerned with one thing: “Is this thing a THREAT… or NOT?” As can be seen in the diagram below, if an event is considered to be a THREAT, this starts a cascade of physiological processes which have evolved to protect you from harm. These are ‘survival’ instincts (i.e., fight-flight-freeze). On the other hand, if no threat is detected, we remain calm (i.e., ‘rest & digest’, or ‘homeostasis’).
In other words, your limbic system does not discriminate between external or internal threats. Generally, people are pretty good at dealing with external threats (e.g., paying bills, crossing roads, deadlines etc.). Rather than external threats causing people trouble, it is in fact the ‘internal threats’ (i.e., the threats from our minds) that are the most problematic.
Most of the time, it is the information being focused on by your mind that triggers threat: Thoughts, imagery, negative predictions, shame-based memories, self-talk, self-criticism, negative appraisals. This is important to understand, because if we can consciously shift our focus away from our minds and back onto our 5 senses, we can begin to create a sense of calm.
Why? This is because our ‘focus’ is finite. Our attention is limited – we simply cannot attend to all things at the same time. If we use this knowledge to our advantage and fill up our focus with non-threatening information (by focusing on neutral information such as the information from our 5 senses), there is no room for the mind to get us stuck in threat.
So, the threat system is ‘always ON’, meaning that it is always monitoring – it is always scanning (!). We can’t turn it off, and although sometimes it can be helpful, most of the time we need to be deliberate and conscious about how we use our minds – what we attend to, and how we use our attention can either trigger threat systems or can keep our threat system at bay. The following diagram explains this, visually:
The above process is neither good nor bad – It is simply how our threat system works. But it is extremely powerful. An important question you should be asking yourself is: Is it helpful (?). In other words, is what you are attending to (in your mind) activating your threat system, or is it helping you to keep calm and soothed (?).
There is a strong mind-body feedback loop in that what we focus on results in feelings in our body. For instance, daydreaming about something positive might make you feel calm, optimistic, or motivated. Similarly, daydreaming about eating your favourite food might make you salivate. This is because there is a strong relationship between how we think and what we feel. Thoughts are simply propositions (or ‘invitations’) that our brains can utilise to stimulate physiological processes that result in emotions and motivations to act on our thoughts. However, this can work against us when our minds think up negative, frightening, or painful thoughts / situations (!) and this can interfere with – or stop you from – going after your goals and your heart’s deepest desires (!).
E.g., “I’m not good enough”, or “There’s something wrong with me!” (feelings = defectiveness, shame)
E.g., “I can’t be bothered” or “I can’t do it” (feelings = defeat / hopelessness)
E.g., “If I don’t … then something BAD will happen!”, or “Even if I DO … then something BAD will happen!” (feelings = anxiety / hopelessness)
E.g., “Nothing will ever change or improve”, or “What’s the f*cking point?!” (feelings = hopelessness / anger / despair)
E.g., “I can’t, because what if … happens?” (feelings = anxiety, trapped)
E.g., “I really AM not good enough, and there’s NOTHING I can do” (feelings = hopelessness, shame, defeat)
Cognitive Fusion & our ‘tricky brains’
From the most recent scientific estimates, humans on average have over 60,000 thoughts per day and many of these are automatic and are unrelated to what we are actually doing. This means that there are plenty of opportunities for our minds to ‘hook’ us or ‘trick’ us into thinking that there is actually a real threat to attend to – that the pictures and stories that our minds are painting are in fact real.
We can get side-tracked by the mind’s thoughts and images about the past, or its predictions and images about the future. And if we are unaware that we are engaged in this process – because we often feel consistent with what our minds are focusing on – we can hijack our present emotional state with painful images about the past (leading to anger, sadness, or regret) or frightening thoughts about the future (leading to anxiety, fear, stress, or panic). This is what psychologists call: ‘Cognitive Fusion’.
For example, although all animals have a threat system, one major difference between animals and humans is that we have a much more fully developed cortex, which allows us to solve complex problems in the present and in the future. Our sophisticated brains have been able to build and fly airplanes, create the Internet, build ‘smart’ phones and create self-driving cars – our human brains can solve many amazing complex problems. However, compared with animals, our more sophisticated brains also have tricky ‘bugs’ built in them…
A zebra uses its 5 senses to see a lion, hear a lion, smell a lion – it will likely then run for safety. However, once it uses its 5 senses to asses if there is no evidence of a lion, the zebra will calm down and resume eating grass. Unlike a human, the Zebra won’t have nightmares about lions or lie in bed awake at night imagining how much more scary it would have been if there were 3 lions! It won’t become depressed about being a zebra that lions like to eat. And, it won’t develop an anxiety disorder where it feels scared and hopeless about being a zebra for the rest of its life. No! – This is something a human brain would do.
A human brain may replay with the mind, images of lions. It would likely ruminate about the past lion sighting and would likely become preoccupied and fearful about encountering a lion in the future. Due to cognitive fusion this would trigger anxiety and a cascade of associated physiological arousal – it may even trigger a panic attack – even though there is no lion actually present! Worse – A human’s brain may even calculate from its memory all of the salient features about the environment containing the lion and respond with stress and trepidation to anything in the future merely resembling the experience containing the lion (the green colour of the grass, the time of day, the day of the week, what we were wearing, what we’d done earlier the day we got chased by the lion, what we were thinking immediately prior… etc.). The human would then be motivated to avoid all of these cues. This is how anxiety functions.
So you see – our ‘tricky’ problem-solving brains may try to eliminate any future ‘threat’ by motivating us to think (or act) in ways that might avoid these situations. But, avoidance actually increases anxiety. So we will do our best to “try not to think about it”, which almost always backfires – and so we will remain anxious – despite all of our brain’s amazing problem-solving abilities. So have we actually gotten rid of anxiety by thinking about the lion attack, or future lion attacks? – No! And although anxiety is part of us and being anxious may lead to behaviours that appear to us safe, the downside to living in a perpetually heightens state of threat is that it causes us difficulties which rob us of an opportunity to live a full, rich, and meaning life.
More on Negative Thinking
Although in the example above I have focused on ‘anxiety’, cognitive fusion can also can trigger other emotions – think about a time from the past where something happened that made you really, really ANGRY! What happened back then? Who was involved? What did they say/do? How did you feel? – You probably already know from previous experience, the more you think about this event and how angry it made you, the more you can again start to feel angry, right now! (or if you regret something that you did, focusing on this might lead to you feeling regretful or sad!). The same process applies to other emotions: Shame, Embarrassment, Agitation, and so on.
Threat-based thoughts and emotions are very powerful. These processes can reorganise our brains and our bodies to take charge and deal with the source of the threat. But when it comes to situations in the past, or situations that haven’t even happened yet, we experience strong emotions that we can’t get rid of or fix. People often try to get rid of these strong unpleasant emotions – and this makes sense. It makes sense to not want to feel unpleasant emotions. However, can we really permanently ‘fix’ or permanently get rid of anger, anxiety, sadness, stress, and be happy and free forever? (If so, please contact me and we will write a bestselling book together!).
However, how often do we go to war with our emotions and try to ‘not’ have them? This makes these emotions – which are inside us – the problem. So, now we have yet another threat: ourselves, because we are the one’s having the emotion that we don’t want to have (!). In other words, the problem-solving logic that we use to fix things in the outside (physical) world, actually does not work for our inner world of emotions and the processes our mind’s engages in. When we are having problems due to threat-based emotions and threat-based mental activity – this is when we need to use skills like mindfulness and defusion, discussed below!
What does this all mean for you?
If you want to develop peace of mind and become freer from negative thinking, difficult emotions or unnecessary stress, the important thing to take away from this is: It is essential to learn to distinguish between real vs. perceived threats. This requires a solid understanding of and an ability to notice the difference between real threats from your 5 senses vs. perceived threats (the threats that are created by your mind via the processes of cognitive fusion). This is a discrimination task: “Is this actually happening, or is this happening in my mind?”
From here, you then need to learn to practice ‘unhooking’ or defusing from your mind’s thoughts. This means learning to ‘look at your thoughts’ (seeing thoughts as simply thoughts), rather than seeing the world through your thoughts (which will get you ‘hooked’ by your mind!).
It would also be helpful to develop a detailed and compassionate understanding of your mind’s threat system, learning about what your threat system is designed to do, what triggers it, and how it is essentially just trying to keep you safe or tell you that you deeply care about something. This understanding includes keeping in mind that when your threat system has been triggered, that you will likely feel strongly motivated to protect yourself from whatever threat your mind has created, even if it is not based in the present moment. And even though this may have negative consequences for you and how you’re feeling – it involves understanding that your brain is simply doing what it was designed to do: to ‘keep the organism safe’. However, as previously discussed, our minds are powerful and can make us feel like there is a threat or an emergency that is real – much of what our mind thinks is not actually based in the present moment and is merely a construction of some other period in time (eg, thoughts about the past = can trigger sadness/regret, whereas thoughts about the future = can trigger anxiety/hopelessness).
Developing skills in Mindfulness is essential in increasing your awareness of your mind and what it is focussing on. Mindful awareness can help you differentiate between 5 Senses information and information from your mind – it can also help you develop skills in noticing (vs. reacting) to the contents of your mind (which includes thoughts, predictions, memories, images, and ‘stories’ we tell ourselves about the challenging situations we are facing). However, Mindfulness is not enough. We also need to develop skills in ‘unhooking’ from the narrative and images of the mind – this process is called ‘defusion’.
Normally (i.e., without defusion) we can easily become fused (‘become one with’) whatever our mind is doing. This means we accept what our mind is telling us as the present reality – as if what our mind is saying is literally true. This then leads to feelings that support our mind’s narrative. We often then feel overwhelmed, controlled by our minds, and stuck. Defusion is a way to disrupt and unhook from unhelpful thoughts, memories, images and stories.
Learning about defusion means learning about thinking and this gives you a better understanding of the way mind your mind works. This means understanding that thoughts are just thoughts – they are not real, you do NOT need to accept the literal meaning of anything that your mind thinks and that nothing that your mind is thinking is necessarily actually happening right now. Again, this means you are learning about how to ‘look at’ your mind’s thoughts vs. looking through the lens of your thoughts.
It may also help to remember that you are not your mind or the thinking that it does – thinking is merely a process that your mind engages in. Just like you are not your eyes or your eyelids blinking – and just like you are not your heart or its beating – you are not your mind or its thinking. Thinking is merely something your mind does, just like blinking is something your eyes do, and beating is something your heart does. None of these things ARE you, they are simply parts of you.
Thinking is not something that you need to accept at face value – The process of thinking is simply something that the mind does. Do you really want to be pushed around by every single one of your mind’s thoughts ?
Here is a demonstration of how thinking is not something that you need to accept at face value. TRY THIS: In your mind, repeat the following phrase: “I can’t stand up…. I can’t stand up… I can’t stand up…!” Keep repeating this phrase and STAND UP! (And… what did you notice….?).
If you already were standing, do this with ‘I can’t sit down!’ And sit down (And… what did you notice?).
(I’m assuming you realised something that you already knew on some level – that is, you can do something even though your mind says you cannot. If not, repeat this exercise until you realise what is being said here.)
Hopefully, although this is a simple example, you can acknowledge and agree that it is possible to have thoughts that do not necessarily have to control us. This is very important to understand because we have 60,000 thoughts per day! After all, do you really want to pushed around by your mind and believe everything that your mind tells you? If not, it will be helpful to learn how to defuse (aka ‘unhook’) from difficult thoughts (and memories, predictions, judgments and images!).
How to ‘Unhook’ from negative thinking (cognitive defusion)
This brief exercise gives you a glimpse into the real-life practice of getting ‘unstuck’ from your mind. Instead of arguing with your mind, we want acknowledge and accept that our minds are very busy and are capable of all kinds of unhelpful thoughts, while at the same time cultivating a posture of detached curiosity. Ultimately, this will help us to make use of what is workable, and to let go of the rest.
The first step is to become aware of the automaticity of your thought processes and what makes negative thoughts / images / predictions / judgements noisy and confusing (vs what makes having all kinds of thoughts a simple, non-issue). You can do this for FREE, right now, and right here (!). All you need is a pen, a paper, and a few minutes (~5 mins) to spare.
First, simply write down the string of thoughts that emerge when you give your mind free reign for one minute. Just sit there, notice, and write them down. Do not be concerned with spelling, or the details. Simply document in bullet-point each thought that your mind has, and move onto capturing the next. We are not interested in the content (the meaning) of your thoughts – we are interested in something else… For now, JUST ‘GO’ – write them all down!
Second, repeat this exercise for another minute. But this time, we ARE interested in the meaning / content of your thoughts. See if you can figure out whether a thought is true, correct, or appropriate? This might involve weighing and evaluating, or judging and criticizing.
‘GO’ – write them all down & figure it out!
Third, repeat this exercise for one more minute, but this time imagine that your thoughts are like the voices of little kindergarten children. To do this, adopt a posture of curiosity and amusement as you listen, while not engaging them. Just notice what these little kids say – quarrelling one moment; saying something interesting the next.
Now – Self-reflection time! What did you notice?
In the second exercise (compared to the first), you may have noticed that the loudness of your thoughts increased, relative to the first exercise. In other words, you got more pulled into your thought networks; you experienced cognitive fusion with your thoughts.
In the third exercise, you might have noticed more the flow of your thoughts, because the specific content of the thoughts became less important. You also may have noticed that you had a little more freedom to move. Some of what your mind thought may be useful, yet much of it is not.
Does taking action based on a negative thought such as: “I’m not smart enough” enrich your life? If the answer is YES, then great! DO IT! But, if the answer is NO, this is an indication that you need to simply take a step back, and notice your thoughts with detached posture mindful curiosity. It is ‘simple’, but that does not mean that it is easy. Due to processes under the control of the threat system, thoughts can trigger emotions, urges, and physiological processes that can push us around (which is why it can be helpful to have some guidance around how to work with the mind).
Note. For some people, particularly if you are feeling lethargic or flat, doing each of these 3 exercises for just 1 minute may not be a long enough time to have many thoughts. If this is applies to you, then you may wish to try each activity for 3 minutes each.
Unhooking from thoughts
Although the above activity helps show you ‘formally’ what defusion and unhooking ‘is’ it is not very portable, which is not very practical (!). By far, one of the most portable and practical ways you can practice unhooking from your mind’s thoughts are to make use of the following (very useful) defusion phrase: “I am noticing my mind is having the thought that… (insert the thought verbatim)”.
This phrase is fantastic in being able to help you begin to understand and learn how to make use of defusion within your own mind. You can practice this skill anywhere – and I strongly suggest that you DO. For instance, while walking down the street, while standing in a line, while waiting at a traffic light (etc). Be creative – develop your awareness and skill in being able to notice and ‘unhook’, and then return to the present moment. This is essentially what you are doing when you are engaging in Mindfulness (!). once you are able to do this, move onto the next step: Unhooking from unworkable Stories.
Unhelpful ‘Stories’
In general, the most troubling threat-based mental events and their related threat-based emotions are not simply caused by one negative thought. Rather, difficult threat-based thoughts and emotions are generally triggered by a dense amount of mental processing – processes that start with a thought, but one that might trigger an image of the past / future, which then triggers predictions or judgements, which then triggers an emotion, which may then trigger more thoughts, judgements or predictions (and so on…).
This is best referred to a ‘story’, which is shorthand for ‘a narrative’ (a narrative that completely ‘makes sense’ if we reflect on and consider our developmentalhistories). Understand that we all have stories and there are 2-3 main ‘stories’ that each of us will continue to return to during times of challenge, distress or uncertainty. Know your stories, and you will know thyself… the contents of your threat system, the topography of your mind, and what you care most deeply about.
Stories can take an infinite number of forms (because they are based on our histories), but they often contain over-arching themes such as ‘I’m a failure’, ‘I’m unlovable’, ‘I’m not good enough’ etc. When we buy into an unworkable story we identify with it, and even if it is inaccurate or completely not true getting hooked by an unworkable story will often limit what we are capable of doing in a given situation.
Unhooking from Stories
What to do about it? When we learn what our stories are, we will be in a better position to understand our mind’s threat system and predict what stories it will likely generate in stressful situations. To do this, we can use mindful awareness to notice what stories show up. We can write them down, and we can look for themes. Then, we can decide upon a label to give to the story. We are then well-placed to use the following helpful phrase: “I am noticing that my mind is doing the … story again” whenever this story (or a related theme shows up).
By unhooking from the unworkable story using the phrase above, we thus begin to create distance between what our mind is doing and what we want to be doing. We can use mindful awareness to return our focus on the present moment by focusing on all of the information available to us (eg, from our 5 senses). And we will then be in a better position to choose what we want to do instead of our story.
None of this is a ‘magic trick’ – you may still feel strong negative emotions, but mindful awareness is an important first step in helping you to raise your awareness of the difference between what your mind is doing vs. what is actually happening. Practising unhooking (defusion) can create just enough space between you and what your mind is doing for you to be able to refocus on the present moment & choose what your next move will be (vs reacting to a difficult situation and making things worse).
Sometimes we need more skills than just mindful awareness and defusion. Sometimes we can get very triggered by our stories, memories, or emotions. When this happens, we need to draw upon soothing skills (emotion regulation skills such as Soothing Breathing and calming imagery) to soothe ourselves and to increase our window of tolerance. This can be trick and it requires practice. This is not a ‘magic trick’.
Troubleshooting – The thoughts keep coming back
You may find that you can ‘notice that your mind is having a thought’ and from this observing position that you can successfully unhook from that thought. But if you are particularly triggered, you may find your mind keeps having more unpleasant thoughts. This is normal and is to be expected (after all we have 60,000 thoughts per day, remember?). This not a sign that ‘defusion does not work’. Rather, this is a sign that you need to work hard to keep unhooking, because you have been particularly triggered.
Why (?) – Consider the following ‘Hot Stove’ example: If you saw a red hot stove and someone just turned it off – even if it was disconnected from the power at the wall – would you touch it ?
HOT STOVE! Even if this had been turned off at the power – Would you touch it?
How about NOW … Would you touch it ?
… What about NOW ?
– Why not ?
– because the stove is still hot! (obviously)
But how long would it remain hot for?
(Really, it would depend on many factors – how long it was on for, the ambient temperature of the room, whether the room was ventilated etc. So, ‘when’ it is safe to touch depends on many factors, and it is clear that it will take some time before it has cooled down. This is just like when you get triggered by difficult thoughts or emotions…)
Your mind and the emotions that it can trigger in your body are exactly the same – unhooking from one thought is not going to be enough to soothe you if you have become emotionally ‘hot’ (triggered by a cascade of painful or threatening thoughts/images/emotions). It will take time and will require you to keep unhooking, and to keep coming back to the present moment (your 5 senses) in order to cool yourself down. Depending on what triggered you and how ‘hot’ you got, you may even need to work with your body and do some soothing breathing, to soothe your threat system and signal to your body that you are safe.
And all of the above processes need to happen in tandem – unhooking on its own is not enough. It also helps to know why you would even bother to learn about how to use your mind in this way (!). Consider: Why would you want to invest in learning to respond to your mind in this new way – what is in it for you? How might it help you if you were be able to have any thought and be literally un-phased by it? How might this help you deal with some of the difficulties that you commonly experience (predictions, judgements, self-criticism, anxious thoughts, anger, depression, anxiety)? How might these skills help you behave more like the person that you truly want to be? (do you even know who you truly want to be?)
To conclude, unhooking (defusion) is a way to help you distance from your mind’s thoughts. On its own, it is simply an exercise that demonstrates how we can get stuck (and unstuck) from thought processes. However, when combined with deliberately shifting your attention back to the present moment, grounding yourself in the present moment by focusing on the information from your 5 senses, self-regulating with self-soothing skills, and connecting with the deeper reasons ‘why’ doing all of these things can benefit you – this is where you can take an exercise and transform it into an arsenal of tools that can help you break reactive patterns and take actions that move you towards the things that are most important to you.
Defusion is not just ‘an exercise’. It is one of many evidenced-based ways to using your mind to increase your capacity to choose how you want to respond when challenging thoughts / stories show up. Used consistently, these skills can help to you self-regulate, which is essential when dealing with life’s challenges.
Summary:
There are two sources of information that your brain is constantly processing – information from your mind and information from your 5 senses.
Most problems occur when we attend to what the mind is thinking and accept this as reality. All of our brains work this way!
Information from your mind is: Thoughts, Memories, Predictions, the narrative (or ‘story’ we are telling ourselves), judgements / evaluations, and mental imagery.
Being able to re-focus on the present moment via your 5 senses is an important skill so you can return to what you would like to be doing. Focusing on your 5 senses can deactivate your brain’s threat system because information from your 5 senses is generally free from threat. This is how to feel calm and at peace (!).
Even if you find it difficult initially, learning to differentiate between what your mind is doing vs what information is coming to you via your 5 senses is a skill that can be learned.
Mindful awareness can help you notice the source of information that you are focusing on.
Defusion can help you unhook from the literal meaning of your thoughts / the imagery in your mind. This can create the necessary distance between you and your mind which can free you up so that you can respond differently.
Following defusion with awareness of your 5 senses can help bring you back to the present moment (e.g., ‘what can I smell…?’, ‘what can I hear?’, ‘which parts of my feet are in contact with the floor?’ , ‘what am I doing?’… etc)
Combining the above with soothing breathing, can help you to self-regulate (to stay ‘cool’ when you have become emotionally triggered)
I have attempted to explain several interrelated concepts. It is one thing to read the words on this screen and understand them intellectually; it is another to be able to put them into practice. I appreciate that it can be challenging to implement mindfulness and defusion skills with very difficult and longstanding struggles, particularly without help (and practice).
My recommendation is that if the information above intrigues you or has raised some questions about how you use your mind, that you seek out a clinical psychologist who understands this approach and can show you practical strategies tailored to your individual needs.
The information on this page may seem straightforward, but mastering these skills can be challenging without proper guidance. If you struggle with negative thoughts or other mental challenges, I strongly recommend working with a clinical psychologist. They can help you better understand your brain’s threat system and teach you how to use mindfulness and other techniques to ‘unhook’ from troubling thoughts. Clinical psychologists can develop practical exercises tailored to your unique situation, ensuring that you can apply this knowledge effectively.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience. My intentions are to help you to feel safe and respected, to collaborate with you to set clear treatment goals, and to facilitate an exploration of yourself and your situation in ways that regular conversations do not normally allow. Together, I hope we can discover constructive ways to improve your situation and your relationship with yourself and others.
My expertise and training draws from the latest evidenced-based ways to work with the mind, the body and all difficult emotions. My listening skills allow me to identify stuck patterns and unexpressed needs. I can help you to find new ways of responding to difficult situations, and I can help you to develop more resilience in the face of life’s challenges so you live with more meaning and purpose.
Medicare rebates are available for all Australians for up to 10 sessions each year with a GP referral and a mental health care plan. No matter where you live in Australia, Medicare rebates apply for all face-to-face and Telehealth consultations.
For immediate self-help, I have written practical articles containing tools to help you with a wide-range of topics. These articles are available here. If you are new to therapy, I recommend that you read this article to help you get the most out of therapy.
I look forward to working with you.
Dr Andreas Comninos
B.Psych (Hons), PhD (Clin Psych), MAPS, EMDRAA
PhD Clinical Psychologist
EMDRAA Accredited Practitioner
Psychology Board Approved Supervisor
Dr Andreas Comninos
PhD Clinical Psychologist
EMDRAA Accredited Practitioner
Psychology Board Approved Supervisor
B.Psych (Hons), PhD (ClinPsych), ACBS, MAPS
About me.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience. My intentions are to help you to feel safe and respected, to collaborate with you to set clear treatment goals, and to facilitate an exploration of yourself and your situation in ways that regular conversations do not normally allow. Together, I hope we can discover constructive ways to improve your situation and your relationship with yourself and others.
My expertise and training draws from the latest evidenced-based ways to work with the mind, the body and all difficult emotions. My listening skills allow me to identify stuck patterns and unexpressed needs. I can help you to find new ways of responding to difficult situations, and I can help you to develop more resilience in the face of life’s challenges so you can live with more meaning and purpose.
Medicare rebates are available for all Australians for up to 10 sessions each year with a GP referral and a mental health care plan. No matter where you live in Australia, Medicare rebates apply for all face-to-face and Telehealth consultations.
For immediate self-help, I have written practical articles containing tools to help you with a wide-range of topics. These articles are available here. If you are new to therapy, I recommend that you read this article to help you get the most out of therapy.
Many people misunderstand Compassion. For example, many people mistake compassion for ‘love’, ‘kindness’ or ’empathy’. Although these qualities may be involved, often they are not (!). Others mistakenly view compassion as ‘a weakness’ (when really, from both a psychological and a physiological perspective, it can be one of our biggest assets in terms of resilience and managing stress in both ourselves and others).
So then, what is compassion really about ?
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Compassion means having a sensitivity to the causes of suffering (in self or others) with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it.
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This is a 2-part definition: Part A) ‘sensitivity to suffering’ (meaning, to have the capacity to fully grasp the causes and impacts of one’s suffering and to be able to remain present to it vs running away from it because it is ‘too painful’ or ‘hard’), and Part B) the ‘commitment to alleviating suffering’ (meaning, being willing to do whatever is required to be of assistance).
Compassion arises in us when we witness suffering in others (or experience suffering ourselves) in a certain way that motivates a subsequent desire to help. The purpose of drawing from (or developing) Compassion is not to avoid difficulties – it is quite the opposite. Compassion is about having the courage and the strength to turn towards pain and difficulty within ourselves or for others, because this is what is needed. But, this can be tricky, and (especially with Self-Compassion) it can be easy to fall into self-defeating patterns of feeling overwhelmed, threatened, ashamed, or self-critical.
Compassion brings together many attributes ranging from awareness, empathy, and distress tolerance, to courage, a caring intention, strength and persistence. We need to employ these skills to prevent us from becoming overwhelmed. Without a good understanding of compassion and the development of these skills, we may distort or amplify what is really going and this will block helpful actions and make a situation worse.
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Compassion in Practice
Most people come to therapy wanting to alleviate their suffering (i.e., to ‘make the painstop!’). This is understandable, because pain hurts (!). However, there is often ambiguity about how much of themselves they are willing to invest in the process of self-care.
Although it makes sense that we need to stop making things worse in order for the pain to stop, this actually requires a nuanced understanding of Part A of the definition of Compassion (i.e., ‘sensitivity to the causes of suffering’). When we are insensitive to the causes of suffering, and simply want the pain to go away, we are very limited in what we can achieve. In other words, we actually need to understand and to be sensitive to the causes of the suffering before we can truly do something about it.
But, this can be hard. For instance, whenever we are insensitive to the causes of suffering, are not moved by the suffering, or do not have the distress-tolerance skills ‘be with’ suffering, we cannot truly stay present to it long enough to be helpful (even if we want the suffering to stop). For many people, this is their biggest challenge. As is discussed in several articles I have written (i.e., here, here, here, and here), difficulties in this area have a lot to do with our upbringings (including our attachment style, and what we have been taught about emotions), and our physiologies (i.e., how the mind, brain and body work).
Compassion requires us to take responsibility for our actions while simultaneously recognizing that so many factors in life are not of our choosing – so much of our lives has been determined by factors outside of ourselves (we didn’t choose our parents, our genders, our evolutionary histories, our ‘tricky brains’, the countries we were born into, the families we were born into, or our developmental or trauma histories).
Despite this, many of us still go around blaming and shaming ourselves for what we did wrong. Yet, viewed through a lens of Compassion (again, Part A of the definition: ‘sensitivity to the causes of suffering’) we can realise that while SO MUCH in our lives is not our fault or choosing, it does still remain our responsibility to do something about how we choose to act (Part B of the definition: ‘commitment to alleviating or preventing further suffering’).
Hopefully, you may begin to understand that Compassion and Self-Compassion are not simply about being soft or kind. Rather, it is about drawing upon a wise non-condemning understanding that empowers us to take charge and be accountable.
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Physical and Psychological Benefits
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Increased capacity to act assertively in terms of caring for ourselves and others
Increased resilience (improves our ability to handle stress, and setbacks)
Reduces our susceptibility to anxiety, depression, and other mental health difficulties
Reduced triggering of our threat system, which results in positive health benefits including reduced stress, an increase in Heart Rate Variability (HRV), and improved immune system functioning
Increases our capacity to meet our needs during difficult moments (soothing, kindness, encouragement and support, vs self-criticism)
Provides an ever-stable refuge of self-worth vs focusing on Self-Esteem (discussed below…)
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Empathy & Sympathy
Although being ‘sensitive to the causes of suffering’ (Part A of the definition of Compassion) requires a variety of attributes (which includes empathy), Compassion is not simply ’empathy’ and empathy on its own is not compassion. For instance, an emphatic killer can cause someone great pain and torture – specifically because they are good at understanding other people’s feelings (!). Clearly, empathy is not compassion.
Compassion is also not sympathy (feeling ‘sorry for…’). This is because sympathy is passive. In contrast, Compassion is active because it involves both feeling AND then doing something about the feeling (eg, think of a mother or father as they cradle their sick and fevered child).
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Self-Esteem vs Self-Compassion
Self-compassion offers huge benefits that self-esteem does not: Self-esteem is about being better than everyone else in order to feel good about yourself (i.e., being ‘special’ and above ‘average’). But this is a logical impossibility because if everyone is better than average, this simply shifts the average higher resulting in a never-ending cycle of competitiveness.
Acting from a place of self-esteem can lead us to putting others down, defensiveness, hostility, and overlooking our own shortcomings because these may be too painful or threatening to acknowledge. We can engage in these behaviours either consciously or unconsciously (but regardless, our actions will most likely always be perceived by others as narcissistic and insecure).
However, self-esteem’s biggest flaw is that it is only there for us when things are actually going well – but what happens when we fail? During times of failure, our self-esteem shrinks into the shadows and and our inner-critic becomes dominant to dish us up punishment (i.e., we may then feel shame, hopelessness, or even self-hatred).
As I have discussed here, this simply triggers our brain’s Threat System, which then gets in the way of us moving forward because we either self-destruct or need to engage in protective-behaviours (which can lead to undesirable consequences). Yet, Self-Compassion is the antidote (!)
Unfortunately, just like how Compassion is often poorly misunderstood, Self-Compassion is also a hugely misunderstood concept! Self-compassion is not merely self-kindness (eg, ‘just be kind to yourself’) – it is about taking responsibility for working with difficult feelings so that you are better able to deal with life’s challenges. Self-Compassion requires responsibility and courage to be present with emotional pain in one’s self or in others, and the courage to do somethingproductive about it.
However, many people find the idea of Self-compassion highly threatening. Unfortunately, these are often the same people who experience intense shame and self-criticism. One of the most common barriers to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past. To understand why this may be, it makes sense when we appreciate how a person has learned to associate warmth, closeness, and soothing, with Threat (vs safeness).
This happens through a person’s developmental history via their early painful interpersonal or emotional experiences (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, or parental hostility, neglect or unresponsiveness). So, because self-compassion encourages a response that taps into emotions that a person has learned to associate with threat, self-compassion can in fact trigger threat!
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For many of us, self-compassion is hugely difficult and triggers our threat system. For this reason, it is a response that is either avoided or is completely blocked. If this sounds familiar to you, I recommend you read about the Fears, Blocks & Resistances to Self-Compassion and related articles I have written, below.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience. My intentions are to help you to feel safe and respected, to collaborate with you to set clear treatment goals, and to facilitate an exploration of yourself and your situation in ways that regular conversations do not normally allow. Together, I hope we can discover constructive ways to improve your situation and your relationship with yourself and others.
My expertise and training draws from the latest evidenced-based ways to work with the mind, the body and all difficult emotions. My listening skills allow me to identify stuck patterns and unexpressed needs. I can help you to find new ways of responding to difficult situations, and I can help you to develop more resilience in the face of life’s challenges so you live with more meaning and purpose.
Medicare rebates are available for all Australians for up to 10 sessions each year with a GP referral and a mental health care plan. No matter where you live in Australia, Medicare rebates apply for all face-to-face and Telehealth consultations.
For immediate self-help, I have written practical articles containing tools to help you with a wide-range of topics. These articles are available here. If you are new to therapy, I recommend that you read this article to help you get the most out of therapy.
I look forward to working with you.
Dr Andreas Comninos
B.Psych (Hons), PhD (Clin Psych), MAPS, EMDRAA
PhD Clinical Psychologist
EMDRAA Accredited Practitioner
Psychology Board Approved Supervisor
Dr Andreas Comninos
PhD Clinical Psychologist
EMDRAA Accredited Practitioner
Psychology Board Approved Supervisor
B.Psych (Hons), PhD (ClinPsych), ACBS, MAPS
About me.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience. My intentions are to help you to feel safe and respected, to collaborate with you to set clear treatment goals, and to facilitate an exploration of yourself and your situation in ways that regular conversations do not normally allow. Together, I hope we can discover constructive ways to improve your situation and your relationship with yourself and others.
My expertise and training draws from the latest evidenced-based ways to work with the mind, the body and all difficult emotions. My listening skills allow me to identify stuck patterns and unexpressed needs. I can help you to find new ways of responding to difficult situations, and I can help you to develop more resilience in the face of life’s challenges so you can live with more meaning and purpose.
Medicare rebates are available for all Australians for up to 10 sessions each year with a GP referral and a mental health care plan. No matter where you live in Australia, Medicare rebates apply for all face-to-face and Telehealth consultations.
For immediate self-help, I have written practical articles containing tools to help you with a wide-range of topics. These articles are available here. If you are new to therapy, I recommend that you read this article to help you get the most out of therapy.
Self-compassion is one of the most important but most poorly understood concepts. Some people equate compassion with ‘kindness’ and self-compassion with being ‘soft’, ‘narcissistic’, ‘overly indulgent’, or having a ‘weakness’.
This page discusses what self-compassion is (and what it is NOT); why self-compassion is so important (including the direct benefits to you for developing more self-compassion); and, it explores the most common myths around self-compassion.
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Firstly, Compassion – What’s the big deal, anyway?
To understand what self-compassion is, we first need to explore the definition (and components) of compassion. Compassion is also often misunderstood which is unfortunate because it is one of the most skillful motivations, and one of the most helpful attributes, that we can harness in psychology (!). Compassion does not simply mean ‘to be nice’ nor does it mean ‘to be empathic’. Although sometimes these things may be involved, depending on situation, they actually might not (!).
A standard definition of compassion comes from the Dalai Lama and it involves two-parts: “Sensitivity to the causes of suffering in one’s self and others” (Part A), combined with “the commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it” (Part B).
Alas, as you will see, this not always easy to do. For example, most people come to therapy very eager to “alleviate” their suffering (Part B of the above definition), but at the same time they are in fact insensitiveto their own suffering (Part A). Read on, to find out why this is!
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Compassion is a caring motivation that requires immense courage and an important set of inter-related motivations and skills that consist of:
Having precise and sensitive awareness of suffering (Sensitivity);
Allowing ourselves to feel moved (Sympathy);having an ability to understand what is going on from different perspectives (Empathy);
Having an ability to tolerate distress (Distress Tolerance); and,
Having a non-judgmental attitude regarding what is going on (awareness of distress without ‘adding to it’ or going to threat / protective strategies such as ‘shame about shame’, ‘anger about anger’, or ‘anxiety about anxiety’, or ‘self-criticism about self criticism’).
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Compassion does not just mean ‘being kind’ – Compassion may involve coming into contact with suffering so that you can do whatever is necessary to help reduce or stop it.
eg, Imagine a mother throwing herself in front of a bus to protect her child who may have run out onto the street. She most certainly will get hurt – she may even get killed. This is not ‘kindness’ (!). Rather, this is doing whatever needs doing – an act of compassion for her child, that risks herself becoming harmed, in order to prevent suffering.
eg, During COVID-19, there was a huge shortage of medical staff available in certain cities of America. So, retired doctors and nurses were called upon to consider returning to serve the public. Many of these health workers were in the ‘golden years’ of their lives (and thus were from a hugely ‘at-risk’ and vulnerable population). Yet, many took up the opportunity to stand up courageously and ‘do something’ even knowing very well that there were risks to them and their loved ones.
eg, Imagine a firefighter rescuing a child out of a burning building. They may have children and a family of their own. But, they are skilled, and well-trained, and despite the risks, they use this knowledge courageously to ‘do something’ to help whenever they can.
These examples are not just ‘kind’ – helping an old lady with her shopping is ‘kind’. Rather, these examples capture the full definition of compassion described earlier (Part A and Part B). These examples exemplify the qualities of what compassion involves: Sensitivity, Sympathy, Empathy, Distress Tolerance, Non-Judgement.
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So, again – Compassion requires: being willing to understand the nature and causes of suffering while also being willing and courageous enough to come into contact with (vs avoiding) that suffering, so that we can actually do something to eliminate or prevent further harm in the best ways that we can.
Another common misunderstanding is that compassion is ’empathy’. However, although compassion involves empathy, compassion is not simply empathy. After all, empathy in combination with other qualities can actually be a terrible thing ! (eg, emphatic killers make the most cruel killers precisely because they are empathic – they cause people great pain and torture specifically because they are good at understanding other people’s feelings!).
Another common misunderstanding is that compassion is the same as ‘sympathy’. However, compassion is not sympathy (‘feeling sorry for…’). Whereas sympathy is passive, compassion is active because it involves both choosing to feel moved by suffering in order to do something about the feeling (eg, think of a mother or father cradling a sick and fevered child – they are doing what they can, even if means coming in contact with the child’s illness).
In a nutshell, compassion is what arises when witnessing suffering that motivates a subsequent desire to help. As you will discover, Self-Compassion ALSO brings together the SAME skills as compassion, and directes them onto one’s self: (self-) awareness, empathy (towards self), distress tolerance (of emotions within one’s self), courage (to be with and help with the challenging parts of one’s self), intention (to care for one’s self), which requires much wisdom, strength and persistence.
The purpose of Self-Compassion is not simply about removing your difficulties – it is the opposite. Self-compassion means attending to suffering within one’s self (Part A) while having the intention to do something that is helpful (Part B) because that is precisely what we are needing when we are suffering.
Yet, for complex reasons related to our development (discussed later on this and in several other articles I have written), this doesn’t come naturally to many people.
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What is Self-Compassion then ?
Self-Compassion means taking responsibility for our actions while recognizing that we didn’t choose so many factors in life – we didn’t choose our genders, our evolutionary histories, our ‘tricky brains’, the countries we were born into, the families we were born into, or our developmental or trauma histories – so much of our lives is determined by factors outside of ourselves.
Despite this, many of us still go around blaming and shaming ourselves for what we did wrong. Yet, when we can move towards a courageous fierce and empowered compassionate understanding, we can realize that although SO MUCH in life is not our fault, it remains our responsibility to do something about how we choose to act. So as you can see, neither compassion or self-compassion are about being soft or kind – it’s about taking charge and being accountable for our actions. This means understanding that we are suffering, and doing what we can – because THAT’S WHAT WE NEED.
Self-compassion means extending the definition of compassion above (that means, BOTH Parts of that definition – not just ‘Prat B’) to instances of perceived shame, inadequacy, failure, or any other kind of suffering such as self-criticism, or difficult inner experiences that we might be struggling with. Self-compassion motivates us to achieve our goals, cope with adversity (i.e., increased resilience), take responsibility for our actions, and noticing our needs and caring for ourselves (and others) in a sustainable ways that are workable.
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Why is Self-Compassion Important?
Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us. Self-compassion results in many benefits, including reduced isolation, increased mindfulness and reduced over-identification.
Self-Compassion is the antidote to self-attacking – our “inner-critic” self-critical or self-sabotaging attitudes, reactions, and punitive feelings that can hijack our confidence or peace of mind, triggering out threat systems. This can often lead to destructive behaviors.
Self-compassion is a way to deactivate the brain’s threat system by activating its ‘safeness/soothing system‘ which works for you so that you can take responsibility and turn towards working with difficult feelings and thereby respond more effectively to life’s challenges.
Self-compassion is more beneficial to our psychological well-being than self-esteem because it is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.
Researchers have found that participants who displayed more self-compassion when talking about a relationship breakup evidenced better psychological adjustment afterwards and that this effect persisted nine months later.
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Benefits of Self-Compassion: Research Findings
Strongly predictive of well-being – people who are taught to be more self-compassionate tend to become less depressed, less anxious, are less likely to suffer from excessive shame or suicidal ideation. It results in an increase in positive emotions: optimism, hope for the future.
Doesn’t have the problems of self-esteem pursuit – Self-esteem fluctuates. It is based on social comparison (you have to be better than others in order to have self-esteem) whereas self-compassion you don’t have to be better than anyone, you just have to be human. Self-esteem is not as stable as self-compassion because it is entirely dependent on achievement and it deserts you at times of failure – whereas this self-compassion is always there for you.
Linked to resilient coping – The way people treat themselves during hard times (trauma, relationship breakdowns) is a strong predictor of future mental health and emotional problems. People who practice self-compassion are kinder to themselves and bounce back faster from setbacks. Self-compassion helps you get through hard times – It’s a strength, not a weakness.
Healthier behaviours (more towards moves) – Whereas self-indulgence focuses on immediate pleasures but ultimately leads to long term harm, self-compassion involves making choices that alleviate one’s own suffering. People who are more self-compassionate make healthier and more caring choices for themselves and their futures.
More compassion for others – Because practicing self-compassion brings you in touch with your ability to meet your own needs – when you give yourself what you need, this gives you a greater pool of energy to allow you to respond sensitively to the needs of others. This also leads to less burnout when giving to others.
Better interpersonal relationships – Self-compassion leads to less selfish behavior in relationships. People who practice self-compassion are more capable of being intimate, are more giving, and are less controlling.
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For someone to develop genuine compassion towards others, first he or she must have a basis upon which to cultivate compassion, and that basis is the ability to connect to one’s own feelings and to care for one’s own welfare … caring for others requires caring for oneself.” – Dalai Lama
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Benefits: Self-Compassion & Motivation
After practicing self-compassion regularly, you will begin to notice that you are:
Learning to be your inner ally (vs your inner enemy)
No longer fearful of emotions such as fear, anxiety, or sadness
No longer engaging in harsh self-criticism
Experiencing more energy to care about this things that truly matter to you
Willing to take more personal responsibility and are more motivated to repair past mistakes
Holding high standards for yourself, but do not beat yourself up when you fail to succeed
Less fearful of failing because you are better able (and are more willing) to support yourself to try again
More likely to succeed because failure no longer triggers threat and self-criticsm
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Myths About Self-Compassion
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MYTH:
“Self-compassion will ruin my motivation because it will allow me to get away with anything”
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FACT: Many people say they are reluctant to be self-compassionate because they are afraid they would let themselves get away with anything. eg, “I feel bad today so I’ll just be nice to myself and stay home and watch TV, and eat a bucket of ice-cream.”
However, this is self-indulgence NOT self-compassion. The key to understanding the difference is that self-indulgence is focused on giving one’s self short-term pleasures – such as taking drugs, over-eating, being a couch potato, or allowing yourself to over react to strong emotions in ways that can often make a situation worse.
In contrast, being compassionate to oneself means that you understand the source of your current suffering and all that that entails, but that you genuinely also want to be happy and healthy in the long term. Clearly, this easy to talk about and much harder in practice – because in many cases, giving yourself health and lasting happiness in the future often involves a certain amount of displeasure in the present moment (such as quitting smoking, dieting, exercising).
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MYTH:
“Self-compassion will mean I won’t care about my mistakes !”
FACT: No – Self-compassion is NOT about letting yourself get away with your mistakes. It is an active process that involves personal responsibility – but without resorting to being punitive. Self-compassion acknowledges the truth that we are all imperfect beings who are impacted by things over which we have no control — our genes, early family history, culture, life circumstances. From this standpoint, self-compassion can be understanding and supportive, rather than punitive, shaming, and destructive.
Because compassion is intrinsically concerned with the alleviation of suffering — that of our own and also that of others – this means that self-compassion spurs us to take greater responsibility to acknowledge and correct our mistakes.
Rather than using guilt, shame, or the inner-critic as a source of motivation, self-compassion allows us to turn toward and face the difficult feelings that arise when considering our own mistakes and misdeeds, meaning that we can see ourselves more clearly, so that we can do what is needed to make things better.
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MYTH:
“Self-Compassion will lead me to wallow in self-pity”
FACT: Self-Compassion is NOT self-pity (Self-pity is egocentric and self-centred). Self-pity results in responding to setbacks with self-condemnation and over-identification.
Self-pity tends to emphasize egocentric feelings of separation from others (isolation) and exaggerates the extent of personal suffering (“I’m the ONLY person who this thing has happened to”… “My problem is the worst thing in the world”).
When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and forget that others have similar problems (“I feel so alone…”). Self-pitying often causes individuals to become carried away with and wrapped up in their own emotional dramas. They cannot step back from their situation (i.e., over-identification) and adopt a more balanced or objective perspective.
Self-Pity can also lead to self-hatred which is really just a move made by your inner-critic to motivate you to take action by causing your pain, shame, or guilt. Look out for the inner-critic – don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up – this causes more stress. Understand how your inner-critic behaves, and learn to respond to yourself in a more supportive way.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows one to see the related experiences of self and other without these feelings of isolation and disconnection. By taking the perspective of a compassionate other towards oneself, more “mental space” is provided to recognize the broader human context of one’s experience and to put things in greater perspective. (“Yes it is very difficult what I’m going through right now, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering. Perhaps this isn’t worth getting quite so upset about…”)
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MYTH:
“Self-Compassion is a weakness”
FACT: One of the biggest myths about self-compassion is that it is a ‘weakness’ or that it means ‘feeling sorry for’ yourself. On the contrary – Self-compassion is that antidote to shame, self-pity and the tendency to sulk about our bad luck because it makes us more willing to accept, experience, and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness—this paradoxically helps us process and let go of difficult feelings more fully.
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MYTH:
“Self-compassion is self-centred or narcissistic”
FACT: People are often very hard on themselves when they notice something they want to change because they think they can shame themselves into action – the self-flagellation approach. As discussed in detail in several other posts (see the ‘inner critic’ and the brain’s threat system) this can trigger the threat system (stress/anxiety). For some people, this can become so overwhelming that it can lead to failure, hopelessness, and even self-hatred and depression.
This approach can also backfire if you cannot face difficult truths about yourself because you are so afraid of hating yourself if you do. Thus, weaknesses may remain unacknowledged in an unconscious attempt to avoid self-criticism.
In contrast, the care intrinsic to self-compassion provides the safety needed to see the self clearly without fear of self-condemnation, and this is a powerful motivating force for growth and change.
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How to Practice Self-Compassion
This is a huge topic! It takes time – But, like mindfulness, self-compassion is a set of practical skills which easier to learn with some sort of guidance – eg, guided audio exercises, a therapist, or perhaps an 8 week course.
Like any new way of relating to yourself, often it can feel a little awkward and clunky at first. Remember – the goal of practicing self-compassion is to become a better support person to yourself. HOW you do this, depends on what works for you. This will depend on your emotional development which is (in part) determined by your early Attachment experiences and your Window of Tolerance (I recommend reading both of those articles).
In general, during the heat of the moment – that is during, not after it – you need to remind yourself of the components of self-compassion: Be mindful that you are having a tough time; remember that you are not alone in this struggle and that this is part of life (“this experience is part of being human”), and bring a sense of kindness to yourself with your self-talk using language that works for you.
Being kind to one’s self may at first seem like a very foreign concept. After all, it is often much easier to be caring and understanding of other’s mistakes or shortcomings than our own.
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Barriers to Self-Compassion: Fears, Block & Resistances
Unfortunately, for many people, the idea of engaging in self-compassion, triggers threat. This is because one of the most common barriers to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past. Thus, for many people self-compassion is not even an ‘option’ that they are aware of – it is often completely blocked, hugely misunderstood or overlooked, or highly underutilized.
For example, due to our developmental histories (our attachment wounds), or painful emotional or interpersonal experiences (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, parental hostility, neglect or unresponsiveness), some people have learned to associate warmth, closeness, and soothing, with THREAT– not safeness. Given that self-compassion encourages a response that taps into some of these emotions, Self-Compassion can also sometimes trigger threat!
If this is the case, you may find it hard experiencing positive emotions towards yourself and you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.
Therapy will be most helpful, if it aims to help you develop the specific skills that you missed out on learning due to your upbringing – Skills that you need that can assist you with ‘being with’ the difficult parts of yourself so that you can soothe yourself when distressed and turn towards your pain and give yourself what you need. To do this well, first, you will need to understand your own specific fears, blocks and resistances that you may have towards the different parts of yourself (and their emotions), and the fears, blocks, and resistances that you may have around meeting your needs through engaging in self-care and acts of self-compassion. If interested, you can read more about these fears, blocks, and resistances, here.
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Summary:
Self-criticism is common across all mental health difficulties and has very powerful effects on your emotions, your brain, and your physiology.
Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us.
The most common barrier to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past such as parental rejection, hostility, neglect and unresponsiveness.
For these reasons you may find it hard experiencing positive emotions towards yourself and you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.
Look out for the inner-critic – don’t ‘beat yourself up’, for beating yourself up. Understand what the inner-critic is and what it can do to you, and learn to respond to yourself in a more supportive way.
Becoming a better support person for yourself means fully understanding and working with all of your resistances to self-compassion. This will better allow you to connect with the parts of yourself that actually can be wise and caring, despite your inner struggles and difficulties. In this way, you will be better equipped to support yourself through life’s challenges (i.e., you will become more skilful, more supportive, more accepting, more encouraging and therefore ultimately more resilient).
Here is a collection of 10 Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) exercises by Professor Paul Gilbert, the creator of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). Paul Gilbert has been knighted Order of the British Empire (OBE) for his life’s contribution to the Psychology profession.
Here are audio exercises from the Centre for Compassion Focused Therapy & Mindfulness Focused CBT (New York)
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience. My intentions are to help you to feel safe and respected, to collaborate with you to set clear treatment goals, and to facilitate an exploration of yourself and your situation in ways that regular conversations do not normally allow. Together, I hope we can discover constructive ways to improve your situation and your relationship with yourself and others.
My expertise and training draws from the latest evidenced-based ways to work with the mind, the body and all difficult emotions. My listening skills allow me to identify stuck patterns and unexpressed needs. I can help you to find new ways of responding to difficult situations, and I can help you to develop more resilience in the face of life’s challenges so you live with more meaning and purpose.
Medicare rebates are available for all Australians for up to 10 sessions each year with a GP referral and a mental health care plan. No matter where you live in Australia, Medicare rebates apply for all face-to-face and Telehealth consultations.
For immediate self-help, I have written practical articles containing tools to help you with a wide-range of topics. These articles are available here. If you are new to therapy, I recommend that you read this article to help you get the most out of therapy.
I look forward to working with you.
Dr Andreas Comninos
B.Psych (Hons), PhD (Clin Psych), MAPS, EMDRAA
PhD Clinical Psychologist
EMDRAA Accredited Practitioner
Psychology Board Approved Supervisor
Dr Andreas Comninos
PhD Clinical Psychologist
EMDRAA Accredited Practitioner
Psychology Board Approved Supervisor
B.Psych (Hons), PhD (ClinPsych), ACBS, MAPS
About me.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience. My intentions are to help you to feel safe and respected, to collaborate with you to set clear treatment goals, and to facilitate an exploration of yourself and your situation in ways that regular conversations do not normally allow. Together, I hope we can discover constructive ways to improve your situation and your relationship with yourself and others.
My expertise and training draws from the latest evidenced-based ways to work with the mind, the body and all difficult emotions. My listening skills allow me to identify stuck patterns and unexpressed needs. I can help you to find new ways of responding to difficult situations, and I can help you to develop more resilience in the face of life’s challenges so you can live with more meaning and purpose.
Medicare rebates are available for all Australians for up to 10 sessions each year with a GP referral and a mental health care plan. No matter where you live in Australia, Medicare rebates apply for all face-to-face and Telehealth consultations.
For immediate self-help, I have written practical articles containing tools to help you with a wide-range of topics. These articles are available here. If you are new to therapy, I recommend that you read this article to help you get the most out of therapy.
All of us engage in ‘self-talk’ – the ability to talk to ourselves in our minds as we process, or comment on the happenings around us. The likely function of this ‘self-talk’ is to help motivate us and keep us on track. It’s great when it works – but it can painful and even destructive when it doesn’t.
Take a moment and reflect on something: What tone and words do you use when talking to yourself – do you use a harsh, critical or self-sabotaging voice? Or are you warm, kind, friendly, and helpful?
All of us have at times had an inner voice that has echoed disappointment when things have not worked out the way we would have liked. It seems a common reaction that can help motivate ourselves to ‘dust ourselves off’ and try again. However, if your self-talk is harsh, mean, or punishing – If your inner dialogue is consists of shaming, disparaging, judgmental critical or hurtful commentary, then this is a signal that your ‘inner-critic’ has taken over!
People who engage in self-criticism are at a high risk of stress, anxiety, and depression and there are good reasons for this. If you are interested, I encourage you to also read about the Physiology of Self-Criticism and the Fears, Blocks, and Resistances people can develop around extending warmth, care, and support to themselves.
The ‘Inner Critic’ – Shame, Self-Loathing & Self-Attacking
The problem with having a harsh inner-critic is that it triggers our ‘threat system’, which signals to the brain that we are under attack. The brain responds by releasing cortisol and other hormones that trigger the fight-flight response. This is useful if we need to run from a lion, but not very helpful in terms of our inner-critic because we can’t actually run from ourselves! Yet, many people motivate themselves in this way – and it can cause much stress and heartache!
Why do we have an Inner-Critic?
We know from decades of research that children who grow up with very critical parents tend to internalize those voices and grow up to be very self-critical themselves. In fact, some people say that their inner critic even sounds like a critical parent or someone they knew from childhood.
Other people may have grown up with the complete absence of a safe, warm and soothing caregiver, and if this is the case it is very common for there to be fear, anger, pain or aversion associated with being kind to one’s self when in a time of need.
We also know that this development during the earliest years of an infant’s life is dependent on an infant’s ‘Attachment’ to their primary caregiver, and that this relationship (or lack thereof) influences a child’s ability to self-soothe and regulate their emotions throughout life. I have written extensively about how Attachment affects your brain’s development, your ability to regulate your emotions, and your relationship with yourself (and others), here.
Why do we engage in Self-Criticism?
There are several reasons for engaging in self-criticism. One is BECAUSE WE CARE – When we deeply care about an outcome, often we also fear failure. Thus, thinking about the mere possibility of something not going as we planned can trigger our brain’s threat system (e.g., the fear of failure) and can motivate us to take action.
Often, because the possibility of falling short of our ideal threatens our self-concept, to protect ourselves from the fear of failure our inner-critic may step in to motivate us. But, the inner-critic also triggers the threat system, which causes a cascade of stress hormones that can overwhelm and flood our body and our emotions. This can cause us distress, and can even get in the way of us taking effective action. This is akin to motivating ourselves with a baseball bat
E.g., People who struggle with perfectionism or who hold excessively high standards of themselves are constantly living with the impending threat of disappointing themselves. They often use harsh self-criticism to motivate themselves, which triggers their brain’s threat systems. This triggers a cascade of physiological activity and stress which can seem overwhelming. Because of this stress, they are at high risk of performing poorly or making a mistake which if happens then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. This in-turn justifies and fuels their harsh inner-critic for the next time – “See!? I told you that you were no good!”
Clearly, this is NOT helpful!
If we talked to friends like this – they would not remain our friends for long!
Self-Compassion: The Antidote to Self-Criticism
If our inner-critic is ultimately stress-inducing and destructive – what options do we have? We know from decades of research that learning to cultivate an approach of self-compassion is an extremely powerful antidote to the inner-critic. Although this may sound like an alien concept, thankfully, self-compassion simply requires practicing a set of skills that can be learned.
When we practice self-compassion, we are actually moving our sense of safety from the threat system to our own care-giving and attachment system. This awakens our own ability to ‘self-soothe’ which is actually more productive than being self-critical. Whereas over-relying upon the threat system as a source of motivation can make us stressed, anxious and depressed and generally inhibits a good emotional mindset to really accomplish anything, when we give ourselves compassion we feel safe, emotionally balanced, and loved. This puts us on the best footing to not only be happy, but to also grow and to reach our goals.
However, for many people these skills involved in Self-Compassion may seem unfamiliar. As mentioned earlier, for many people, the origins of their inner-critics reside in childhood experiences of shame, rejection, and parental hostility or unresponsiveness. For many, often the mere suggestion of being kind to one’s self can trigger the inner-critic in the form of judgments and resistance via negative thoughts/emotions (which can trigger a threat system response!).
And, just like how the immensely beneficial concept and practice of ‘Mindfulness’ is greatly misunderstood by the general public, there are many misunderstandings about what self-compassion is. Therefore, you owe it to yourself to learn more about Self-Compassion.
If you are struggling with your harsh inner-critic or would like to learn how to apply the skills of self-compassion and kindness to your situation, let’s talk.
Here is a collection of 10 Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) exercises by Professor Paul Gilbert, the creator of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). Paul Gilbert has been knighted Order of the British Empire (OBE) for his life’s contribution to the Psychology profession.
Here are audio exercises from the Centre for Compassion Focused Therapy & Mindfulness Focused CBT (New York)
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience. My intentions are to help you to feel safe and respected, to collaborate with you to set clear treatment goals, and to facilitate an exploration of yourself and your situation in ways that regular conversations do not normally allow. Together, I hope we can discover constructive ways to improve your situation and your relationship with yourself and others.
My expertise and training draws from the latest evidenced-based ways to work with the mind, the body and all difficult emotions. My listening skills allow me to identify stuck patterns and unexpressed needs. I can help you to find new ways of responding to difficult situations, and I can help you to develop more resilience in the face of life’s challenges so you live with more meaning and purpose.
Medicare rebates are available for all Australians for up to 10 sessions each year with a GP referral and a mental health care plan. No matter where you live in Australia, Medicare rebates apply for all face-to-face and Telehealth consultations.
For immediate self-help, I have written practical articles containing tools to help you with a wide-range of topics. These articles are available here. If you are new to therapy, I recommend that you read this article to help you get the most out of therapy.
I look forward to working with you.
Dr Andreas Comninos
B.Psych (Hons), PhD (Clin Psych), MAPS, EMDRAA
PhD Clinical Psychologist
EMDRAA Accredited Practitioner
Psychology Board Approved Supervisor
Dr Andreas Comninos
PhD Clinical Psychologist
EMDRAA Accredited Practitioner
Psychology Board Approved Supervisor
B.Psych (Hons), PhD (ClinPsych), ACBS, MAPS
About me.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience. My intentions are to help you to feel safe and respected, to collaborate with you to set clear treatment goals, and to facilitate an exploration of yourself and your situation in ways that regular conversations do not normally allow. Together, I hope we can discover constructive ways to improve your situation and your relationship with yourself and others.
My expertise and training draws from the latest evidenced-based ways to work with the mind, the body and all difficult emotions. My listening skills allow me to identify stuck patterns and unexpressed needs. I can help you to find new ways of responding to difficult situations, and I can help you to develop more resilience in the face of life’s challenges so you can live with more meaning and purpose.
Medicare rebates are available for all Australians for up to 10 sessions each year with a GP referral and a mental health care plan. No matter where you live in Australia, Medicare rebates apply for all face-to-face and Telehealth consultations.
For immediate self-help, I have written practical articles containing tools to help you with a wide-range of topics. These articles are available here. If you are new to therapy, I recommend that you read this article to help you get the most out of therapy.