“Window of Tolerance” is a term originally coined by Dr. Dan Siegel commonly used to understand and describe normal brain/body reactions, especially following adversity.
It is also a term used to describe the zone of arousal in which a person is able to function most effectively.
Essentially, the size of our ‘window’ depends upon how much we are able to tolerate mild fluctuations in mood, energy levels, and the challenges and demands of life, whilst remaining in the Optimal Zone.
As seen in the diagram below, there is an Optimal Zone (or range) that we can function.
The Optimal Zone: Calm Activation & Deactivation
When we are within our Window of Tolerance we are essentially in the optimal zone (depicted above), our nervous systems (Sympathetic and Parasympathetic) are in a state of balance, which allows for adaptive responses to stress (i.e., Calm Activation depicted above) and a capacity for emotional regulation to balance this stress (i.e., Calm Deactivation, depicted above). In other words, we are calm but alert enough to be engaged in what we are doing without it being excessive, and we have ‘headroom’ to manage (and recover from) any challenges that may arise. Thus, when we are within our Window of Tolerance, we can engage in flexible thinking, effective communication and actions, and we are able to cope with daily stressors, build healthy relationships, and regulate our emotions constructively as required.
Just like how a thermostat in an air-conditioner makes micro-adjustments to temperature to keep it within a comfortable range, staying within the Optimal range of our Window of Tolerance requires awareness and skills, so that we can attend to our needs and can regulate our arousal level to match the situation at hand. Ordinarily we can do this either with self-soothing actions (or by reaching out to trusted soothing others) when we need to Deactivate our arousal, or via safe, healthy activities that stimulate us when we need to Activate our arousal.
However, the accumulation of Stress and/or feeling a state of Threat can shrink our Window of Tolerance. Once pushed outside our Window of Tolerance, it can become very difficult to take in new information. This is because these states of Hyper-arousal and Hypo-arousal are ancient physiological survival mechanisms that are shared across species throughout the entire animal kingdom.
For people who have experienced significantstress (which may either be the result of a single incident, or ‘toxic stress’ resulting from the accumulation of triggering events), it is common for the brain to become ‘stuck’ in high levels of Activation or Deactivation – and this can either lead to an inability to stay calm (triggering the fight / flight response) or shutting down (the freeze response) involuntarily when confronted with stress.
In other words, a threat, or the accumulation of excessive stress, or traumatic experiences can disrupt an individual’s ability to stay within their Window of Tolerance, causing them to become overwhelmed or shut down.
For example, if someone becomes hyperaroused, they may exhibit symptoms of anxiety, anger, or panic. On the other hand, if they become hypoaroused, they might experience symptoms of depression, dissociation, or a sense of detachment. As will be discussed, this is not the fault of the individual – it is simply how our brain’s became wired (i.e., evolved to protect us).
Understanding the Window of Tolerance is crucial in the context of therapy. For instance, a major initial aim in preparation for trauma therapies (such as EMDR Therapy) is often to help individuals expand their Window of Tolerance by developing skills for emotional regulation and increasing their capacity to tolerate distress. This work commonly includes cultivating mindfulness, self-awareness, and self-compassion to maintain a balanced state, which increases our capacity to remain within our Window of Tolerance. By developing these skills, individuals can enhance their resilience, improve their emotional well-being, and navigate life’s challenges more effectively. These same skills are highly useful in the ‘treatment phase’ of trauma therapies and help to make an individual’s experience of healing, safer and more manageable.
Even for those of us who have not experienced significant trauma, if we simply lack awareness – or have underdeveloped self-regulation skills – we may also become either too aroused(hyper-arousal) or we may completely shut down (hypo-arousal) when we encounter threats or stress. (Note: We also may not have been taught good self-care strategies and so the actions we take to reduce stress may be inadvertently contributing to the problem.)
The Window of Tolerance represents the ideal middle ground between these extremes. When we are within our Window of Tolerance, we are in a state of balance, allowing for adaptive responses to stressors and emotional regulation.
If you identify with experiencing high levels of either hyper- or hypo-arousal, this is evidence of a narrow Window of Tolerance, and once we have a better understanding of this process there are things that we can do to help ourselves.
Extremes: Hyper- and Hypo-arousal (in RED):
Because Hyper- and Hypo-arousal can help to protect us from danger or distress, these states have continued to stand the test of time (i.e., through evolution, we pass on the things that ensure our survival – think ‘survival of the fittest’). However, one unfortunate common consequence of our evolutionary past is that our human brains are easily triggered by ‘false positives’. For many of us, this ‘triggering’ can happen very easily with simple imagery, painful memories and thoughts, or by focusing on threatening judgements or predictions.
This is not our fault. Rather, it is simply how our brains have evolved to protect us. We did not ‘choose’ our emotional learning histories, or to be wired the way that we are. Moreover, we are not designed perfectly. For example, although our brains have immense capacities to protect us from danger (by being able to think about and visualize all that could possibly go wrong), this comes at the cost of ‘false positives’. These are ‘bugs’ (or design flaws) and we need to learn to work with these design flaws, so that we do not get so easily triggered. This also forms part of the preparation work when building our Window of Tolerance (and you can learn more about this by reading about our brain’s Threat System, here).
Beyond the Threshold: Dissociation
Our brains have a threshold in terms of how much distress and/or arousal we can tolerate. Excessive hyper-arousal at a level that pushes us outside our window of Tolerance can lead to ‘Dissociation’, a literal disconnection or detachment from our thoughts, feelings, sensations, or memories. Equally, for some people, extreme threat can make the brain instantly ‘flip’ into shutdown, or a freeze response (i.e., extreme hypo-arousal), where we can also ‘dissociate’.
Dissociation is a huge topic, and one that deserves a separate article, but simply put: Dissociation occurs in response to extreme arousal states and/or extreme stress, as a protective mechanism to shield us from further physical, psychological, or emotional harm. Dissociation is essentially a disconnection from our conscious awareness (i.e., thoughts, memories, feelings, voluntary actions) and our sense of ‘Self’.
In essence, dissociation exists on a continuum. Although some people who experience dissociation may report that they can act in ways that they do not remember, for others, they may not even be aware that they dissociate. For instance, mild dissociative experiences are relatively common and can happen to almost anyone in response to stress or certain situations. Examples of mild forms of dissociation include daydreaming, ‘zoning out’, or getting lost in thought and ‘losing touch’ with an awareness of our immediate surroundings. This is a temporary and as will be discussed can sometimes be an adaptive response that allows our mind to take a break from overwhelming or distressing thoughts or emotions.
At a more moderate end of the continuum (as is often the case during or following an intense traumatic experience), dissociation can serve as a natural defense mechanism of the brain, that can help us tolerate what might otherwise be too difficult to bear. For some people, this may make it difficult to remember the details of a traumatic experience. In this example, dissociation is essentially a way that our brains have evolved to escape mentally from fear, pain or horror.
At the more extreme end of the dissociative continuum (as is common with people who have experienced extremely adverse events or who may have insufficiently processed trauma memories), dissociative states can literally become distinct personality configurations that are cut-off from an individual’s awareness. These personality ‘states’ or ‘parts’ may contain parts of the traumatic memory, or may represent the physical sensations, emotions or the narratives related to those events. Understandably, such shifts in consciousness may involve specific perceptions, attitudes, beliefs, and emotional responses to people and situations that are not typically held by the individual. Again, these dissociative states or ‘parts’ are not our fault. Rather, they may have emerged in response to what happened to us, and are further examples of the clever ways that our brains can evolve to protect us (i.e., to help us mentally escape from fear, pain or horror).
Often, the more extreme forms of dissociation are an indication that an individual is well outside of their Window of Tolerance. This means that no new learning can occur. This presents a significant problem for a person who is in a dissociated state whilst in a therapy session, because they may not have any recollection of information discussed. Equally, because dissociation can interfere with new learning, this can (for instance) make it very difficult to process memories in therapies such as EMDR Therapy.
Thus, if you are receiving a treatment for trauma-related memories, it is very important that your therapist understands how to assess for and work with dissociation. Dissociation is related to the Window of Tolerance because it is another indication that you first need to work on PREPARATION skills in order to do any trauma work. Invariably this phase of therapy will focus on developing skills to help you expand (and remain within) your Window of Tolerance (so you can stay in the present moment). For your own comfort, sense of safety and control, this needs to happen before you proceed to the ‘treatment phase’ of any trauma therapy. Given that dissociation is a natural response to trauma, it could be argued that is negligent of a therapist to overlook assessing for dissociation and/or failing to prepare you for the treatment phase of trauma work by doing the necessary resource-building to increase your capacity to remain well within your window of tolerance so that you can get the most out of your therapy.
How to Increase Our Window of Tolerance
It is important to emphasize that we do not get to choose how ‘wide’ the Window of Tolerance we are born with is – Different people are born with different brains and different capacities. Equally, we know that adverse events in early childhood and throughout our lives can shape our brains and can in turn affect our Window of Tolerance. Our attachment styles and early emotional learning also influence how our brains and Window of Tolerance develops.
However, although many of the negative experiences that happen to us (especially the adverse experiences we experience in early childhood) are not our fault – it is our responsibility to learn about how we can best help ourselves, because the ‘wider’ we can expand our Window of Tolerance, the more resilient we can learn to become in the face of life’s challenges.
If you would like to increase your Window of Tolerance, it will first helpful to begin to become aware of the ‘cues’ or the ‘signals’ that you are becoming either Hyper-, or Hypo- aroused. Although everyone is different, it is common for people to report that when they are becoming hyperaroused that they find it increasingly difficult to stay calm. You could use this as a signal that you are coming close to the upper edge of your Window of Tolerance and that you need to intervene.
Although different people prefer different approaches, we know that in general, calming imagery and soothing skills (such as Soothing Breathing, Safe Place or calming imagery) and grounding techniques (such as tuning into your 5 senses, mindfully) are generally what is required to bring a person out of hyperarousal back into their Optimal Zone.
On the other hand, a commonly reported signal that you may be entering hypoarousal is that you may be feeling like withdrawing or that you are ‘shutting down’. If this is the case, use this as a ‘signal’ that you are coming close to the edge of your Window of Tolerance and are moving towards the state of hypoarousal. This is a signal that you need to intervene. Grounding and containment skills are important use when outside of your Window of Tolerance.
For some people, connecting with others can be a useful way to counter their desire to withdraw. For others (particularly those with significant interpersonal traumas) connecting with others when distressed may be hugely challenging because others may be either emotionally unavailable or may be perceived as aversive or threatening. Regardless, it is helpful to have thought ahead about how you would like to respond should such a situation should it arise. In more extreme cases of hypoarousal, simple gentle but stimulating activities with a focus on grounding your experience in the present moments (i.e., techniques to help orient you to time / place) may be required.
Self-Care Strategies for Working with Hyperarousal
Working with our Parasympathetic Nervous System is hugely important when experiencing hyperarousal or are feeling are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or disconnected. (Remember: We want to engage in soothing activities that decrease our arousal because hyperarousal is caused by an excess of Sympathetic Nervous System activity, which I discuss further here.) Therefore, any activity that involves grounding, soothing, or containment will be of benefit. Because we each respond differently to (and have differing preferences to be soothed by) different kinds of activities, it is important to develop a personal toolkit of skills and practice them regularly so that you know you can lean on them when needed. Some examples may include:
Soothing breathing (deep and slow tummy breathing, which I discuss in great detail here)
Being Mindful in nature (I have summarized the research and offered suggestions for how to do this here)
Writing things down (this can be cathartic because it can help you externalize thoughts and feelings, which can be validating and this process can help you gain perspective on what you’re experiencing; Pennebaker’s Expressive Writing Paradigm is a good example of a a structured Therapeutic Writing activity now has decades or research support and it is free. But any kind of writing that you find helpful will suffice)
Gentle stretching or Yoga (Yin / Restorative Yoga is the most soothing, but any form of working with your body in a gentle and helpful way is better than none)
Shaking, Stomping, or Vigorous Exercise (this can provide an outlet to burn off excess energy and we know the benefits of exercise continue to work for us long even after we have finished doing it)
Warm water (warm bath or shower)
Extreme cold water (when done safely, like exercise, the benefits of ice-baths are well-documented and keep working for you well after you have done this activity)
Throwing (eg, a therapy / yoga ball at a blank or outside wall, or rocks into a lake / out into the ocean)
Something rhythmical (such as dancing, rocking on a hammock, a swing, or gently bouncing on a trampoline)
Rolling on a foam roller or yoga ball (to loosen areas of muscular tension and bring you back into the present moment using your body)
Music (soothing and calming music and sounds, singing, chanting, playing an instrument)
Comforting food (eg hot chocolate or something chewy but smooth)
Lying somewhere cozy with a weighted blanket (you could combine this with soothing music, or high quality recordings of nature sounds mentioned towards the bottom of this page)
Self-Care Strategies for Working with Hypoarousal
Below are some self-care strategies to help you increase your arousal and engagement in the present moment. Any activities that involve a helpful stimulation of your body / mind, or that may include grounding you in the present moment safely are likely to be useful here. Remember, because we each respond differently to different kinds of activities (and have differing preferences for stimulation), it is important to develop a personal toolkit of useful actions that you enjoy and to practice using these skills regularly so that you know that you can lean on them when you most need them. Essentially, anything that stimulates the prefrontal cortex and/or brings you into the present moment safely is what we are looking for here. Some examples may include:
Sensory Stimulation (anything that you can do Mindfully while engaging your 5 Senses could be helpful; Anything that stimulates the prefrontal cortex and/or brings you into the present moment safely is what we are looking for)
Movement / Vigorous exercise (choose something intense, simulating or that challenges your co-ordination in someway, for instance a hand – or head – stand against a wall, or try walking backwards for 3 mins on your hands and feet with your belly facing upwards)
Body Scan: Start by focusing your attention on your toes and gradually move upward, paying attention to each part of your body. Notice any sensations, tension, or relaxation in each area. (This exercise helps you connect with your physical sensations and brings you into the present moment.)
Balancing or Dancing (or any physical activity that increases your heart rate and gets your body moving; something that is challenging will also bring you into the present moment because it demands your attention)
Smelling essential oils (smell is the fastest way to the thinking brain)
Chewy crunchy food (the sounds and sensations can be a source of stimulation)
Jumping on a trampoline or mini trampoline
Finger painting, drawing or art (provides and opportunity for tactile stimulation, and present-moment decision-making and problem-solving)
Listening to Stimulating Music (or playing an instrument)
Water play with a straw (blowing through the straw)
Cold water Immersion (the invigorating positive effects of cold water and ice baths are now well-known)
Holding a piece of ice until it melts (this can be quite challenging and aims to help you return to the present moment)
Increasing your cognitive load (eg Look left, name 3 things, and list 3 facts – not judgments, but facts – about those things. Then look right and do the same. You could repeat this and aim to find 3 new things each time.)
Alternatively, you could make use of “5-4-3-2-1” (Name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This exercise engages your senses and helps redirect your attention to your immediate environment.)
Contact a friend and focus on meaningful connection (even though this may be the opposite of what our nervous system is pulling us to do)
For certain people, such as those with a narrow Window of Tolerance (which is understandably common in people who have experienced significant traumas or stress), there can be almost zero warning that they are entering either Hyper- or Hypo-arousal. This is not their fault. Rather, it is the result of the trauma, and how trauma affects our brains – it makes the brain over-protective to prevent any further harm.
However, unfortunately, this can sometimes take people by surprise and they can lash out at others (‘attack’) or themselves, or can completely shut-down (‘withdraw’), and this may leave a person feeling ashamed, or powerless and out of control of their emotions. If this is the case (if this is you, or someone that you care about), please understand that self-help techniques alone will likely only be of limited use. When this is the case, consulting with an experienced, trauma-informed clinical psychologist is highly recommended.
If you are receiving Therapy – especially EMDR Therapy – and you are working with trauma or painful memories, it is your Therapists’ upmost ethical and professional responsibility to determine what your Window of Tolerance is, and to work safely with you to help teach you what you do not know so that you can develop the skills that you missed learning. That way, the work that you do together will be as efficient and effective as it can be.
Summary:
“Window of Tolerance” is a term used to describe the zone of arousal in which a person is able to function most effectively.
When in the optimal zone, we are calm but alert and we can be engaged in what we are doing.
When we are outside our Window of Tolerance, either we are in Hyper- or Hypo- arousal and we need to take specific steps to bring ourselves back into the Optimal Zone.
Much like how the thermostat in an air-conditioner makes micro-adjustments to temperature to keep it within a comfortable range, staying within the optimal range of our Window of Tolerance requires the awareness and skills to attend to our needs and to regulate out arousal level to match the situation at hand
We can do this either with self-soothing when we need to Deactivate our arousal, or via activities that stimulate us when we need to Activate our arousal
The size of our ‘window’ depends upon how much we are able to tolerate fluctuations in mood, energy levels, and the challenges and demands of life, whilst remaining in the Optimal Zone.
We do not get to choose how ‘wide’ the Window of Tolerance we are born with is – different people are born with different brains and different capacities.
Adverse events in early childhood and throughout our lives can shape our brains and can in turn affect our Window of Tolerance.
Although many of the negative experiences that happen to us (especially the adverse experiences we experience in early childhood) are not our fault – it is our responsibility to learn about how we can best help ourselves, because the ‘wider’ we can make our Window of Tolerance, the more resilient we can learn to become in the face of life’s challenges.
We can increase our Window of Tolerance by practicing mindfulness, building social connections, improving lifestyle factors known to reduce stress (e.g. healthy nutrition, regular exercise, and getting adequately restful sleep) and by seeking out mental health support
If you are in Therapy – especially EMDR Therapy – and you are working with traumatic memories, it is your Therapists’ upmost ethical and professional responsibility to determine what your Window of Tolerance is, and to work safely with you to help teach you what you do not know so that you can develop the skills that you missed learning.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.
About Me:
Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
EMDR Therapy is a very unique and powerful approach to resolving painful memories and negative beliefs that was originally developed over 30 years ago for treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), following significant traumatic events.
We know from decades of extensive research that EMDR Therapy has far-reaching applications beyond large or obvious traumas (e.g. life threatening traumas).
EMDR Therapy is very useful to consider whenever memories of past events are causing us significant disturbance and/or a negative view of ourselves.
Fast Facts:
EMDR Therapy was developed over 30 years ago by psychologist Francine Shapiro, and is now backed by decades of research.
In 2013, EMDR Therapy was recognized by the World Health Organization as a first-choice treatment for trauma.
In 2018, the Australian Psychological Society included EMDR therapy as a Level I evidence-based psychological intervention for posttraumatic stress disorder in adults.
In 2020 EMDR Therapy was included by Australia’s Medicare system as being the only one of two other therapies deemed an ‘acceptable strategy’. (This important because, this is the first time any therapy has ever been added to this list by Medicare in the 10+ years the Better Access Scheme has been running).
Why Choose EMDR Therapy?
Adverse Experiences
In practice, ‘trauma’ is not about the event itself. It is about what happens inside us in response to an event. A traumatic response is essentially an unfinished set of reactions to something. In other words, this is any haunting or destructive material that is left inside us (emotionally, in our minds and / or in our bodies) following a disturbing event. This can be caused by any event that we experience as emotionally distressing – not just life-threatening events.
While the formal diagnostic criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) lists large, obvious, single-incident events that are typically life-threatening, this is actually misleading because many people are also affected by other adversities that do not meet any formal diagnostic criteria. These experiences commonly include interpersonal injuries such as: Betrayal, the loss of a significant relationship, Attachment wounds, Emotional Abuse (gas lighting, bullying or harassment), and any other experience that can result in extreme humiliation/shame, fear, or a loss of control or feelings of insignificance.
Left untreated, adverse events experienced as traumatic can leave a huge and long-lasting negative impact on our mind, body and emotions that can leave us vulnerable to present-day and future triggers. Moreover, the effects of untreated trauma can also be passed on inter-generationally. In addition to the emotional and physical effects, the long-term cumulative effects of unresolved traumas can trigger a complex reorganization of the brain and body that can make us more prone to serious mental health and medical/physical complications.
In children, we now know that the cumulative effects of unresolved adverse childhood experiences and painful attachment experiences can have a negative impact on general brain development. This can affect a child’s emotional and cognitive development and can negatively impact on resilience (i.e., our ability to handle stress, to regulate our emotions, and to bounce back from significant setbacks).
We now know that the risk of developing mental and physical health problems increases with the number of untreated adverse events we experience. This is because the accumulation of painful experiences over time can have a significant, long-lasting negative impact on how our brains develop and function (particularly if these events repeatedly happened during childhood) and this has far-reaching implications for how we process and respond to new information, and this ultimately affects how we act and feel about ourselves (and others).
This partly explains why two adults who are both exposed to the same traumatic event may handle it very differently. One person may ‘bounce back’ and ultimately be unaffected in the longer-term, whereas for the other person (if they have vulnerabilities due to having a history of many unresolved traumas), the event can be experienced as debilitating and can affect them for years to come. Thankfully (as will be discussed) with EMDR Therapy it need not be this way.
Resolve the Memory, Resolve the Problem
EMDR Therapy views all emotional, psychological, and behavioural problems as being related to ‘stuck’ (unprocessed) memories. It follows that by identifying and processing these memories safely, a person’s emotional, psychological and behavioural problems will also resolve. In fact – this is exactly what happens following EMDR Therapy (!).
EMDR Therapy has been extensively researched and validated as a very effective approach for BOTH single-incident (life-threatening) and also repeated (non-life-threatening) interpersonal traumatic experiences.
There is also strong research support that EMDR Therapy is useful for a wide range of behavioural and psychological difficulties including: Depressive disorders, all forms of Anxiety (Panic, Phobias, Social Anxiety, PTSD, OCD etc), Addictive and Compulsive behaviours, Eating Disorders, Chronic Pain, and Complex Trauma (c-PTSD).
EMDR Therapy is also useful to for non-diagnostic difficulties, such as attachment-related wounds, intense shame and self-criticism (which is often related to having a painful attachment history).
There is also emerging research demonstrating that EMDR Therapy is effective with helping people manage Chronic Pain and also medically-unexplainable physical sensations (also known as ‘somatoform disorders’).
Benefits: It is fast, and it works!
Although we cannot erase a memory, we now know from over 30 years of research that memory processing done via EMDR Therapy results in a complete elimination of the disturbance associated with the memory. Moreover, we know that with this change, comes positive associations (positive, adaptive self-beliefs). In addition, these changes become the new normal – a new foundation that all new learning and subsequent experiences are encoded.
Unlike most talking therapies, the processing of memories via EMDR Therapy involves very little talking. Early on, the therapy involves taking a history, and also determining yourwindow of tolerance (for your safety).
Preparation for memory processing involves teaching you the skills you need to stay within your window of tolerance (this may take several sessions depending on your needs). Following this, you will be well resourced for the memory processing phase of treatment (which often can happen very quickly – in as little as a single session).
Your therapist will then develop with you an EMDR Treatment Plan, which identifies patterns and orders your past experiences related to different themes in terms of Past Events (Memories related to that theme), Present Triggers (i.e., “Every Time ‘X’ happens, I still get triggered”), and Future Templates (What you ultimately would like to achieve as a result of processing memories within that Theme – how you would like to be able to respond to the Present Triggers). This process will help you and your therapist identify which experiences most significantly relate to the Theme in question, and which memories you will likely need to Target.
With EMDR Therapy, you get to decide which Theme you would like to work on and which memories you would like to Target and resolve. You may choose to start to work on processing the earliest memories, the most disturbing memories, or a recent memory / trigger.
Memory processing involves recalling certain features of the target experience and noticing with your therapist: what you feel in your body, what emotions you may be experiencing, and any beliefs about yourself that you may have. This happens in the presence of 10-20 seconds of bi-lateral stimulation provided by your therapist (which most commonly takes the form of eye-movements, but it can also include tapping, or auditory bi-lateral stimulation).
Overall, there is very little talking that occurs. Your therapist will periodically check in with you to ensure that you are on track to resolve the memory (taking cues from the things that you report that you are ‘noticing’ after each set of bi-lateral stimulation).
We know that the processing of a memory is complete when bringing up the original image actually no longer disturbs you. Instead, you will feel calm and will have new positive associations / beliefs about yourself. People are often very surprised to find that this can happen in as little as 1-2 sessions, even for very old and painful memories
How EMDR Therapy Works:
‘Stuck’ Memory Networks
When we experience a painful event, it can often become ‘stuck’ in our mind in the form of a painful unprocessed memory (which may have imagery, sounds, smells, emotions, bodily sensations and/or beliefs associated with it). Depending on the severity of the painful event, these memories may not resolve on their own. This can create ‘fragments’.
We know this has happened whenever the memory of an event still causes us disturbance, or when we are triggered by similarities in present-day experiences that in someway relate to a previous event – even if it happened years before and we may not often think about that link consciously. Healing past pain and removing any ongoing vulnerability is precisely what EMDR Therapy can us to resolve.
How?Normally, events from each day are processed by our hippocampus (short-term memory storage) and integrated into to our cortex (where longer-term links are made) during sleep. However, the content from disturbing memories is ‘stuck’ and becomes held in a raw or unprocessed state in the limbic system (which is essentially our Threat System). This keeps the distressing elements of the memories ‘alive’. When a new experience triggers any of the related elements of the memory, the event may feel like it is happening again, NOW. This can become very debilitating.
During a memory-processing session (which does not happen without a thorough assessment and skills building, which may take several sessions), you asked to recall specific components of the problem memory as directed by your therapist – this may include its image, the negative self-belief, and/or the disturbing emotions and associated body sensations. This will happen while simultaneously engaging in bilateral stimulation (i.e., stimulation involving both sides of the body) such as left-to-right eye movements (self-administered ‘tapping’, sounds alternating between each ear, or flashing lights). Eye movements are the most common bilateral stimulation used and these are believed to mimic the eye movements of REM sleep (the stage of sleep responsible for memory processing and learning). These eye-movements may be repeated quickly, in sets of 20-30 (several times), until processing has completed.
In this way, the EMDR Therapist systematically treats each of the stuck components of an unprocessed memory (described above) using bilateral stimulation to help your brain store this information in new ways. In doing so, the information that was once held in a ‘stuck’ memory network is reconnected to more functional memory networks, where a person can make better sense of what has happened. This leaves a person feeling resolved (vs ‘stuck’) about the corresponding memory and its components.
Disk Defragmentation
A simple analogy is that our brains can become a lot like a mechanical computer Hard Disk requiring a regular disk defragmentation to perform optimally. Without a regular disk defragmentation, a Hard Disk can become slower and can experience processing errors due to the information it holds becoming ‘fragmented’.
Inadequately stored (or incomplete processing of) past information can create dysfunction in our Brain’s Memory Networks and this results in inefficiencies in how our brains process and store new information (leading us to become ‘triggered’). EMDR Therapy is like performing a Disk Defragmentation on our Brains, for past experiences that did not get fully metabolized. EMDR Therapy helps our brains de-fragment, integrate, and store the past in a more helpful and efficient way.
Although we cannot get rid of a memory, it is possible with EMDR Therapy to remove the distress and disturbance that was once associated with this memory. We know that processing is complete because we find that the original memory no longer causes any disturbance. In other words, after processing a memory using EMDR Therapy, bringing up this memory or any of its components will still be possible, but doing so will no longer bother you anymore (processed memories become resolved). For example, a painful experience may still be ‘awful’ or ‘sad’, but after EMDR Therapy, bringing up the memory that you have about this event will no longer cause you any disturbance. Instead, you will feel calm and will have new positive associations / beliefs about yourself.
Returning to our analogy of a computer– Like defragmenting a Hard Drive helps a computer run better, EMDR Therapy helps the brain to metabolise previously ‘stuck’ memory networks (which can contain previously intrusive Imagery, Sensations, Emotions and Self-beliefs) so that it can operate more efficiently. Like defragmentation, this information is not ‘erased’. Rather it is reorganised to become (and is transformed into) adaptive material where you can recall the past, but it doesn’t affect you anymore and healing, letting go, and/or positive changes can occur.
In other words, when a previously dysfunctional ‘memory network’ has been processed with EMDR Therapy, the information becomes ‘adaptive’. When this happens, many positive changes occur alongside this process: Emotions associated with the past event become ‘clean’ vs the ways they used to seem disproportionate (eg instead of fear, you will feel safe and calm; you will be able to experience appropriate sadness without this emotion overwhelming you or it feeling ‘unsafe’; when thinking about a failure or a setback you will be able to feel ‘clean disappointment’ without the setback ‘saying something’ negative about your deeper worth as a human being; or, instead of anger feeling consuming or toxic, you may still feel anger if it is justified but will feel an appropriate amount of emotion where you are not overwhelmed and can choose your next response without reactivity). People are often very surprised to find that even when a particular memory is very old and/or painful, that this change can happen in as little as 1-2 sessions.
Before EMDR Therapy:
When we experience an intense adverse experience that is too overwhelming for our Brains to make sense of, this information forms a ‘stuck’ or dysfunctional Memory Network (with associated feelings, sensations, sounds, smells, and beliefs about ourselves).
Experiences that are ‘stuck’ have not been fully processed – they carry an emotional ‘sting’ or can cause us pain when we remember them.
Because we draw on our Memory Networks to make sense of the world, we remain forever vulnerable to being triggered by any present events where there is enough similarity.
This may cause us disturbance, may pull us into the past, or may leave us open to being reactive.
Dysfunctional Memory Networks often relate to one or more negative self-referencing beliefs (eg ‘I am bad’ / ‘I’m unlovable’ / ‘I am in danger’ / ‘It’s my fault’ – and other self-referencing negative cognitions that typically cluster around themes of Guilt, Shame, Vulnerability, Control, or Belonging).
After EMDR Therapy:
We are free to choose to recall a painful event and doing so does not disturb us.
We feel resolved about a previously negative situation (‘it happened, it is in the past, I am SAFE now’), and the memory of it does not affect our view of ourselves.
Things that used to trigger us no longer do – we become free to choose how we want to respond
We can connect with a more positive view of Self (eg ‘I am loveable’ / ‘I did the best that I could’ / ‘I am safe now it is over’ and other positive self-referencing cognitions).
We are free to have new experiences which strengthen the memory processing done in EMDR.
This then becomes an adaptive lens through which all new events are viewed.
Before and after EMDR Therapy
EMDR Therapy & Sleep
Bi-lateral stimulation is unique aspect of EMDR Therapy. This is believed to relate to how the brain processes memories while we are a sleep. One of the most important stages of sleep in terms of learning and memory is called ‘rapid eye movement’ (REM) Sleep. REM sleep is where we consolidate learning and memories from the previous day. A key component of REM sleep is bi-lateral eye movements (our eyes flicker left-to-right). You may have seen someone’s eyes doing this when they are sleeping – chances are that they were in REM sleep and were processing memories.
Therefore, EMDR Therapy makes use of this process by mimicking the eye-movements of REM sleep to stimulate the brain’s natural way of storing memories. This can be done by using bi-lateral stimulation (i.e., using both sides of the body) such as left-to-right eye movements (or sounds, flashing lights, or ‘tapping’).
Interestingly, regarding sleep – we know that people who do not sleep well do not learn well. For example, studies investigating the benefit of sleep for learning a new task have found that people who learn a complex task before bedtime do better in the morning than participants who were taught the same task in the morning but were tested in the afternoon. Studies deliberately interfering with REM sleep (using alcohol – a substance known to interfere with REM sleep) have also demonstrated that a disturbance to REM sleep directly affects memory consolidation and learning.
Clearly, sleep is important for learning and memory. We know that people do not experience good quality sleep when they are distressed. Distressing dreams are common to people who have experienced significant stress or trauma. We also know that REM sleep is important for storing memories and processing emotions. When REM sleep is disturbed, emotional distress may accumulate. People who have experienced trauma or significant emotional distress often report that they are haunted by persistent and intrusive imagery, thoughts, and memories (e.g., rumination, intrusive thoughts, and flashbacks). As previously discussed, many of these are in fact components of unprocessed memories. This indicates a relationship between unprocessed memories and poor REM sleep.
Again, EMDR Therapy identifies a stuck memory (and its components) and carefully stimulates this information, while pairing it with the bilateral eye movements observed in REM sleep. This in turn allows the brain to process the memory. By mimicking the eye-movements of REM sleep, or by using other forms of bi-lateral stimulation (i.e., using both sides of the body) such as sounds, flashing lights, or ‘tapping’, EMDR Therapy facilitates the brain’s natural way of processing a memory that was previously ‘stuck’. This results in an elimination of distress associated with the memory – and with this, comes a resolution of the related emotional, psychological and behavioural problems people were originally experiencing!
Getting past your past: What’s the Catch ?
Less Talking…
EMDR Therapy is very different to all other talking therapies. During the memory-processing phase, talking is kept to a minimum. In fact, while a memory is being processed using the bi-lateral stimulation (e.g., left-to-right eye-movements) very little talking occurs at all (!).
The only talking that does occur is simply for the sake of a brief check-in, so that the therapist can check in with you to ensure that you are still processing the memory.
For example:
Therapist: “OK – take a breath. What do you notice?”
Client:“I feel something in my chest and shoulders”
Therapist: “Ok – Notice that…” (Bi-lateral stimulation continues until memory is processed…)
Notice that in the above example, unlike typical ‘talk’ therapies, in EMDR Therapy the therapist does not ask the client about what their sensation might relate to, what their sensation ‘might’ mean, or why they think they are experiencing their sensation.
Instead, there therapist is simply checking to make sure that memory processing is still occurring.
This is very different to regular talking therapy.
Worse Before Better
Sometimes during the processing of a painful memory, your distress may increase. This is normal – and it is OK if you have the skills to calm, ground, and soothe yourself, so that processing can continue. Without calming, grounding and soothing skills, processing a painful memory could become very difficult. If you have not done this necessary preparation work with your therapist, you may find this very emotionally challenging.
Often, therapists who are overly eager to get to processing memories with their clients may rush through this preparation stage. However, processing a memory without adequate preparation is insensitive to you and your needs, and this could become unsafe for you – it could even make things worse.
Although this preparation work may take several sessions, it is important to do this thoroughly. Preparation will typically involve exploring your Window of Tolerance and your triggers, and teaching you numerous ways to calm, ground and soothe yourself (for example, by using soothing breathing, mindfulness, and calming imagery). These skills are also helpful to use in-between therapy sessions – even if you are not yet at the memory processing stage of EMDR Therapy.
Without this preparation work – I do not recommend processing memories via EMDR Therapy. If you are reading this and your therapist has not prepared you for memory processing, please give them the following article to read: Understanding your Window of Tolerance.
It Can Work Fast, but….
Processing a memory can happen very quickly. Often, a painful memory can be processed in a single session. YES – a single session (!). Although this may sound impossible, it is actually quite commonplace (remember, EMDR Therapy is supported by over 30 years of research). However, there are some important considerations to be aware of:
Although EMDR Therapy can produce results very quickly, it can take time (several sessions) to set things up before you are ready to process memories. This set-up (known as the Stabilization Phase) is necessary to make it safe for both you and the therapist. In essence, in the Stabilization Phase is focused on helping you to manage your symptoms to a level where you are able to tolerate bringing up the memories that are affecting you. After all, the last thing anyone wants is to create further negative associations with painful memories.
Also note: For more complex issues, there may be a network of multiple related memories that need to be processed before a full relief from disturbance is achieved. This is often the case with complex trauma (for instance).
Essentially, preparation for memory processing involves numerous steps: Taking a History, mapping out how your memories cluster into themes, determining your Present Triggers and Future Goals, establishing your Window of Tolerance*, and building skills so that you can handle any difficult emotions that may show up as when you bring up the memories that are affecting you.
EMDR Therapy is often wrongly referred to as ‘EMDR’ (which connotes it is a ‘technique’). In other words, people often falsely assume that ‘EMDR is just the eye movements’. However, ‘EMDR Therapy’ is a comprehensive approach to helping alleviate human suffering that encompasses many elements of other therapies (the depth of which is determined by the skills / experience that the therapist brings to the EMDR Therapy that they offer!).
Although the ‘eye movements’ are commonly mistaken as the ‘EMDR’ part of the therapy, in actual fact there are 3 distinct Stages of EMDR Therapy. As you will see, these Stages make it a highly nuanced and comprehensive Therapy (vs ‘just a technique’).
Assessment Stage
Preparation Stage
Treatment Stage
Assessment Stage: Assessment is common to ALL therapies. The assessment Stage includes taking a detailed history, trying to understand your goals for seeking treatment (i.e., including understanding why you happen to be seeking help now at this point in your life specifically?), identifying the maintaining factors (that keep your problem continuing), identifying your skill set and any relevant risk factors, identifying potential clashes in the therapeutic relationship or challenges in terms of your expectations regarding what can be achieved in therapy (vs the work / effort you’re willing to invest), and trying to arrive at a conceptualization that helps explain how past events relate to the present difficulties you may be having so as to determine what will be most helpful. (You can read more about what to expect in therapy and how to get the most out of these early sessions here.)
If the Assessment Stage is skipped and you jump straight to any treatment, important information may be missed and this could mean that you are not given the most appropriate treatment for your issues or goals.
Although the Assessment Stage is presented above as a distinct entity, in practice a good Clinical Psychologist is ostensibly always in ‘assessment mode’. They may be monitoring your understanding, assessing how a skill or treatment is fitting with you, assessing for any signs that indicate a change in your Window of Tolerance, or determining the approach being taken is ultimately what you need. In other words, there are often several reasons behind why a Clinical Psychologist asks you the questions they do and makes the recommendations that they make – and if you are curious you should ask what their reasoning is and they should be able to tell you.
PreparationStage: This Stage of therapy involves teaching you skills that will make doing the work of therapy (the Treatment Stage) SAFE for you. This Stage shares overlaps with the Assessment Stage and may include: determining your physiological Window of Tolerance, your capacity to self-soothe / self-regulate, determining what activities you needs and which you respond best to (and you prefer). This stage can incorporate skills from ANY therapy – anything that is helpful is useful at this stage (eg, ACT, CFT, IFS – any therapy that can be tailored to your unique situations / needs). The duration of this stage of therapy is informed by information from your assessment, and also from your response to these activities. Sometimes people may need to spend several months working at Preparation. A related area in Preparation is the development of an EMDR Treatment Planner – which is essentially a live document designed in collaboration with you that organizes into Themes your TRIGGERS (and the underlying historical experiences that likely feed into those triggers) and your GOALS.
Because EMDR Therapy is very specific and probably unlike anything you have ever experienced before, it is common for therapists to take you through an example of what happens in an EMDR Therapy session using a recent trigger you have experienced that is only moderately difficult. That way, you will be able ‘see’ what a typical re-processing sessions of EMDR Therapy entails. By picking something ‘easy’ to do this with, you will be able to have your attention ‘in’ the experience of re-processing, while also able to ask questions about what is happening. It is kind of like playing an ‘open-handed card game’ until you understand what is required to get the most out of EMDR Therapy. Only then will you be well-informed and ready to apply EMDR Therapy to more significant and challenging material.
If the Preparation Stage is skipped, negative outcomes can occur. You may find the work highly triggering or you may not have adequate skills to settle and soothe yourself in-between sessions.
Poorly trained therapists often skip or rush the Preparation Stage to get to the Treatment Stage. This does a MASSIVE disservice to the public who may then be at risk of being triggered by EMDR Therapy and who may otherwise discontinue receiving a treatment from which they could have greatly benefited. Sadly, I have met many individuals who have had negative experiences with previous therapists, who needed my help to heal from prior therapy.
Treatment Stage. This is where EMDR Therapy differs THE MOST from other therapies, because the amount of ‘talking’ that happens in most other therapies stops in EMDR Therapy. As is discussed in the remainder of this article – the application of bi-lateral stimulation to each of the specific components of unprocessed emotional experiences (the image, the negative view of your Self, the emotion/s and your somatic experience), is what makes EMDR Therapy very different to other therapies.
A common misconception is that because EMDR Therapy uses eye-movements, it is “a form of ‘hypnosis’”. This is completely inaccurate – Although hypnosis may use eye-movements (or other forms of stimulation / sounds), hypnosis uses the ‘power of suggestion’ in the hope that you feel different. ON the other hand, EMDR Therapy works with how past experiences are represented in your mind, body, and emotional experience, and it helps your brain re-process this material so that it can be stored in more helpful ways. There is no ‘power of suggestion’, rather, your brain ‘re-processes’ the past and then files away this information where it belongs – in the past (in your long term memory), and as a result you are no longer triggered in the present. You can read more about the differences between hypnosis and EMDR Therapy in the ‘MYTHS & MISCONCEPTIONS’ section at this bottom of this page).
Imagery Rescripting & EMDR Therapy
Once you feel comfortable with reprocessing an experience with EMDR Therapy, more advanced options are available. One of these involves combining Imagery Rescripting within the framework of EMDR Therapy. Imagery Rescripting is an evidenced-based way to help people creatively resolve either upsetting memories, nightmares, and/or upsetting imaginings of the future.
Rescripting may involve considering how you would like the image to be different, what you would like to do to the image to make it less threatening or for you to feel safer, or what you are needing in the image and finding ways to rewrite the story to meet that need.
A common misconception becomes obvious when clients say ‘but I can’t change the past’. YES – This is 100% correct: We cannot change the past and that is not our aim. Rather, with imagery Rescripting we are working with the way your brain has stored / is representing the past. Imagery Rescripting in conjunction with EMDR Therapy is particularly helpful for healing attachment wounds and resolving other adverse experiences from early childhood. This can also be helpful for future events.
However, combining EMDR Therapy with Imagery Rescripting requires that the Assessment and Preparation Stages to have been completed. It is also helpful to be well-resourced in self-regulation and grounding skills and to be familiar with the standard way of doing EMDR Therapy if you are interested in adding this additional deeply healing component.
EMDR Therapy Animations:
The following brief animations explain how EMDR Therapy works. As you watch, remember that although EMDR Therapy was originally developed for large and obvious single-incident traumas, it has since been found to be highly effective for healing from all sorts of Adverse Events that can otherwise continue cause us psychological, emotional, or physical harm. This is because that when left untreated, the pains from our past combine and accumulate, resulting in ongoing vulnerabilities for us to be triggered by the present. Unless we resolve the past, we will continue to be affected by it past indefinitely and this is what can often fuel psychological and behavioural problems ranging from from anxieties, relationship issues, low moods, and addictions.
Thankfully it need not be this way. Although we cannot erase the past, by safely re-processing the pains of the past using EMDR Therapy, we can heal our brains, and the past will no longer affect us the way it once did. By using bi-lateral stimulation (vs talking), EMDR Therapists work with how your brain represents the past to achieve a resolution safely and quickly (with very little need to talk about what happened).
Common Questions:
Do I have to process every memory I’ve ever experienced ?
Thankfully NO, because this would take a long time. Due to what is known as the ‘Generalization Effect’, often processing an event or memory may also help reduce the disturbance you experience in response to similar memories.
The Generalization Effect works in the following way – imagine you were going to cut back a huge, thorny rose bush: You could start at the most recent flower and trim the bush backwards to the most recent leaf, then work backwards to the nearest branch (etc…). Alternatively, you could start much lower down, and with one or two ‘snips’ you could remove large sections of the bush because everything stems from the earlier, more established branches. On the other hand, if you wanted to remove the entire bush, you could do so by going directly to the oldest part of the bush (the trunk). However, the thorns from the branches may make that difficult, so (luckily) you have the above options.
Because of the Generalization Effect, processing memories with EMDR Therapy is similar to the above Rose bush metaphor – you could start at the most recent memory, the earliest memory, or the most painful memory. There are pros / cons to each. However, most of the time, resolving an earlier memory has the biggest flow on effect for all subsequent memories. It is like trimming the rose bush low down at its trunk (all other branches will thus be affected).
Determining where to start is up to you. However, before memory processing can begin, an important phase of treatment involves working with your therapist to formulate a Treatment Plan. This is often written up into a table, which clusters the memories that disturb you and bought you to EMDR Therapy, into ‘Themes’.
The EMDR Treatment Plan orders your experiences related to each Theme in terms of Past Events (Memories related to that theme), Present Triggers (i.e., “Every Time ‘X’ happens, I get triggered”), and Future Templates (What you ultimately would like to achieve as a result of processing memories within that Theme – how you would like to be able to respond to the Present Triggers). This process will help you and your therapist identify which experiences most significantly relate to the Theme in question, and which memories you will likely need to Target.
With EMDR Therapy, you get to decide which Theme you would like to work on and which memories you would like to Target. You may choose to start to work on processing the earliest memory, the most disturbing memory, or a recent memory / trigger. Your therapist can assist you to learn skills to help support you through the memory processing safely, so that you can remain within your Window of Tolerance whilst processing a memory / experience.
Thanks to the Generalisation Effect, you do not need to process every experience or memory related to that theme that you have ever had.
What if I Can’t Remember the Past?
There are many reasons why we have ‘foggy’, incomplete, or even very little recollection of the past. Sometimes people ‘know’ that an event happened, but they cannot remember the experience. Other times, people report that there is no specific event that they can remember, because the same painful experience happened over, and over again (or happened many times throughout long periods of their development).
However, with EMDR Therapy, it is not necessarily important that you remember the ‘facts’ of an event.
Why? Because EMDR Therapy works on how a memory is encoded (stored). The ‘facts’ are not necessarily what is most important. Rather, how your brain ‘represents’ the past is what we are working with in EMDR Therapy.
Sometimes, you can literally create a scene in your mind that captures an event or a period of your life, and your therapist can work with you and that scene to extract the significant material that captures what has been left by that experience. This is because just as a memory has specific components, a scene that you have created in your mind will also have these components. Any of the components in that scene can be used as a Target for memory processing.
Again, EMDR Therapy is working with what has been left in your brain by the past (i.e., how the past is being represented in your mind). This frees you up from having to remember ‘everything’ from your past.
Is EMDR the Same as Hypnosis?
No – In hypnosis, you are guided by a therapist to enter an altered, trance-like ‘hypnotic state’, which is thought to bypass the conscious, analytical mind. This is thought to make a person more open to accepting positive suggestions. Therefore, in Hypnosis, you are encouraged to act or feel differently by the therapist’s ‘use of positive suggestion’ about a pre-determined goal or behaviour.
In contrast, the tasks of EMDR Therapy are driven by what we know about how memories are perceived, stored and retrieved. In an EMDR session, a person does not go into a trance-like state of consciousness, because this would actually be counter-productive to processing a memory. This is why steps are taken by the EMDR Therapist to pre-determine your Window of Tolerance (because memory processing cannot happen if you are not mentally ‘present’).
Therefore, in EMDR, active attempts are made towards repeatedly grounding a person in the present moment, by asking them to remain highly focused on specific things (like eye-movements, physical tapping or other forms of bilateral stimulation), while checking-in with their current feelings and body sensations. In EMDR, the therapist is deliberately doing this to prevent you from drifting away from reality, because memories cannot be processed if you are not consciously present.
In EMDR Therapy, we are working with your memories until you have processed them, and you remain in control at all times.
Will EMDR Erase Memories?
No – EMDR Therapy cannot not get rid of a memory. EMDR Therapy also cannot change that fact that past negative experiences happened to you. That is not the goal. You will still have the memory, but it will not disturb or bother you any longer.
EMDR Therapy will change (for the better) how you feel when you bring a past event or memory to mind. EMDR Therapy specifically targets the components of stuck memories, so that they are moved from your limbic system to your pre-frontal cortex where a person can make better sense of what happened. This then allows adaptive learning and new (positive) information to be integrated. This leaves a person feeling resolved (vs ‘stuck’) about the corresponding memory and its components.
In other words, after processing a memory with EMDR Therapy, you will still have access to the memory, but it will not cause you any disturbance. When bringing the memory to mind, you will feel calmer and you will have a more adaptive response to yourself, which may take the form of positive beliefs about yourself, greater self-acceptance, and / or more confidence and self-compassion.
You will still be able to retrieve the memory, but it will not disturb or bother you any longer.
Can I do EMDR Myself (or to someone else)?
NO – A common question clients have is whether they can simply “move their eyes left-to-right” while thinking of a painful memory and process that memory themselves. This is not advised (and is potentially unsafe) for several reasons:
Firstly, an EMDR Therapist must undergo a minimum of 50 hours training comprising of: 20 hours of didactic training, 20 hours of skills training and 10 hours of consultation with an EMDRAA Accredited Consultant. Part of this training encompasses understanding the numerous components of an unprocessed memory and how they interact (images, sounds, smells, bodily sensations and negative views of Self), what decisions to make whilst processing memories (EMDR Therapists do not just ask you to move your eyes back and forward – at each stage of processing, they are actually looking for specific cues from you that the individual components of the memory are being successfully processed, before they move onto the next memory component), and how to determine that a memory has indeed been successfully (and safely) processed.
As you can see, each of these components is complex and cannot be executed by one’s self, on one’s self. Similarly, before memory processing can commence, an extensive history must be taken by the therapist to determine the themes, patterns, and cautions that need to be kept in mind when doing memory processing. These skills require professional objectivity, extensive university training, and clinical experience. You cannot do these things yourself.
Secondly, it is not possible to take one’s self through the steps of memory processing because they are so complex that it would not be possible to fully stay ‘in a memory’ whilst self-monitoring. This means you cannot be processing a memory AND be consciously maintaining awareness of (and fidelity to) the EMDR Treatment Protocol (the decision-making steps based on responses made after each set of eye-movements). In other words, even if you knew what the steps were to processing a memory, you would not actually be sufficiently ‘present’ and engaged in your memory – if you were simultaneously mentally taking yourself through these steps – to derive any benefit from doing any EMDR to yourself. EMDR Therapy may appear simple, but unfortunately, it is not something you can do, yourself.
Third, often processing a memory may bring you to the edge of your Window of Tolerance. An EMDR Therapist is trained to help you recognise the cues that this may be happening, and is trained to work with you to ensure that you can keep processing memories, safely. This is not possible (and may be harmful) if you try to perform EMDR with yourself (or anyone else). You may even cause a negative emotional reaction that you cannot manage, and this could put you (or another person) at risk of re-traumatization, dissociation, or self-harm. If this happens, chances are that is not something that you have skills or training to manage.
Think about it this way – Therapists who know how to do EMDR Therapy very well STILL go and seek the help of an EMDR therapist when they have memories that need to be processed. So, what does that tell you?
Does EMDR Therapy Work Online (via Telehealth) ?
YES – it does, and we can say this with a high degree of confidence. In fact, below is a list of peer-reviewed research publications attesting to the effectiveness of EMDR Therapy delivered online. Recommendations for online EMDR Therapy are simply that a) you use a device that is hands-free that b) has a screen large enough for your eyes to move left-to-right when you follow the visual stimulus (a requirement for bi-lateral processing in EMDR Therapy). Also, it may go without saying, but for memory processing sessions via Telehealth you will need to location that is quiet and private (where you will not be disturbed by people, pets, or alerts from any devices).
Similarities & Differences Between Other Approaches
Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy (CBT): We all can have negative thoughts and negative Self Beliefs. However, whereas CBT focuses on homework exercises designed to help you challenge all negative thoughts with the expectation that emotional changes come from helping you ‘think differently’, EMDR Therapy has no homework and does not require you to ‘think differently’.
Rather, one of the many positive side-effects of having successfully reprocessed a difficult emotional experience using EMDR Therapy is that people spontaneously report that their negative Self-Belief has in fact been replaced with a more positive Self-Belief. In other words, one indication that an event has been successfully ‘resolved’ with EMDR Therapy is that a person endorses a more positive view. This happens every time an experience is reprocessed in the Treatment Stage of EMDR Therapy, WITHOUT the typical rationalizing or homework exercises characteristic of CBT.
Mindfulness: Mindfulness is a way of attending to experience (i.e., our internal and the outer world) from the perspective of a non-judgmental Observer. Although Mindfulness is not a treatment in itself, it is a hugely important skillset that can increase your capacity for self-awareness, for insights, and for tolerate strong emotions and challenging internal experiences. Unsurprisingly, the capacity to attend to one’s experience in this way is a hugely useful asset to bring to (or develop in) any therapy. (You can read more about Mindfulness in articles I have written: here and here.)
In the Resourcing Stage of EMDR Therapy, clients are often taught brief Mindfulness skills that can help increase self-awareness and objectivity which can be essential in helping people attend to their experience in ways that are helpful (vs harmful). In the Treatment Stage of EMDR Therapy (which incorporates bi-lateral stimulation) individuals are specifically asked to make use of Mindfulness to mindfully attend to all of their experience (thoughts, feelings, imagery, emotions, sensations in the body, and any other associations their mind may be making) and to objectively report their experience and observations which helps the therapist to understand what aspects of a reprocessing a past experience remain and to determine when it is time to move onto the next Stage of the Treatment.
Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT): ACT is about helping you clarify meaningful and pragmatic (tangible) goals that are deeply connected to your values, and it aims to teach you Mindfulness and distress-tolerance skills so that you can be freer to take more workable actions in directions that serve you (even if discomfort is present). ACT is an ‘experiential therapy’ (the insights you gain come not from talking, but from the insights you gain via participating in ACT experiential practices).
Equally, EMDR Therapy (particularly in the Resourcing and Treatment Stages) make extensive use of Mindfulness and distress-tolerance skills. For example, in the Resourcing Stage, EMDR therapists trained in ACT may draw upon experiential exercises from ACT (to help increase your Window of Tolerance in preparation for the Treatment Stage). Equally, Treatment Stage in EMDR Therapy is also highly experiential and makes use of mindfulness and distress tolerance-skills commonly taught in ACT. In this way, EMDR Therapy can make use of ACT skills and is consistent with ACT: EMDR Therapy aims to help free you from your past, so that you can be free to choose how you respond and can live a freer and more valued-life.
However, whereas ACT focuses on increasing your distress tolerance so that you can ‘take action’ in important areas of your life that you were previously avoiding, with EMDR Therapy once you have re-processed the material underlying your difficulty it is often the case that there is no ‘distress’/’disturbance’ left to apply any skills to. This is a significant different between the approaches (i.e., ACT prepares you to handle distress as an end point, whereas EMDR Therapy aims to removes).
Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT): Both EMDR Therapy and CFT make extensive use of soothing Imagery and Imagery Rescripting to change how you respond to internal experiences and life’s challenges. Both EMDR Therapy and CFT also result increased self-awareness and (most importantly) an increased capacity for individuals to respond to prior difficulties with a deep sense of Self-Compassion. (I have written articles about the benefits of Self-Compassion and common resistances people have to developing a self-compassionate stance, here.)
Psychodynamic Therapies: Psychodynamic Therapies (there are many variants) and comprehensive EMDR Therapy can focus on elements of the unconscious mind (including unresolved conflicts and repressed emotions) and past experiences as a way to help individuals understand and resolve their current psychological problems. Ideally (provided that your EMDR Therapist is highly skilled), EMDR Therapy can serve as a ‘complete treatment’ (vs just a ‘technique’); one that focuses on Early Childhood, Attachment, and Unmet Needs at all Stages (Assessment, Preparation, & Treatment Stages) to help you better understand the patterns that give rise to your current emotional difficulties (to which the EMDR Therapy is then applied).
In Psychodynamic Therapies and in in EMDR Therapy (and many modern contextual and behavioural therapies such as ACT and CFT) the relationship between yourself and your therapist is understood to serve as a possible window into the problematic relationship patterns in your life. Although historically this was a ‘defining characteristic of Psychodynamic Therapy’, nowadays most Psychologists are also trained to attend to the nature of the dynamic between you and this is certainly a focus in other therapies including ACT, and CFT discussed above. However, whereas in Psychodynamic Therapies the focus on this dynamic is often central to the ‘treatment’, in EMDR Therapy this element features most commonly in the Assessment, and Preparation Stages (i.e., in EMDR Therapy the Treatment Stage is focused on helping your brain heal itself).
Like Psychodynamic Therapies, the Treatment Stage of EMDR Therapy makes use of free association and this can extend to working with symbolic experiences (including memories, imagery and dreams). In addition, both therapies (provided EMDR Therapy is conducted by a highly skilled therapist) share a focus on exploring the nature of your relationships with others, including family members and Attachment figures, and how these relationships may have influenced your current psychological state.
However, a major difference is that: Whereas Psychodynamic Therapy is a purely ‘talking-therapy’ (the success of which is in-part determined by the accuracy of the interpretations of your therapist, combined with your capacity to develop insight based on these interpretations), in the Treatment Stage of EMDR Therapy there is very little talking done at all. Rather, it is via the systematic (i.e., focused) eliciting of the specific components we know from the decades of research to underlie each element of an unprocessed emotional experience in conjunction with bi-lateral stimulation and free association. This can be combined with Imagery Rescripting, to help you work with your brain’s representation of the earliest developmental experiences.
Peer Reviewed Articles about Online EMDR Therapy
Bates, A., Rushbrook, S., Shapiro, E., Grocott, M., & Cusack, R. (2020). CovEMERALD: Assessing the feasibility and preliminary effectiveness of remotely delivered eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing following Covid-19 related critical illness: A structured summary of a study protocol for a randomized controlled trial. BioMedCentral, 21: 929. Open Access: https://doi.org/10.1186/s13063-020-04805-1
Bongaerts, H. Voorendonk, E. M., van Minnen, A., & de Jongh, A. (2021). Safety and effectiveness of intensive treatment for complex PTSD delivered via home-based telehealth. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 12(1), 1860346. Open access: http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/20008198.2020.1860346
Bursnall, M., Thomas, B. D., Berntsson, H., Strong, E., Brayne, M. & Hind, D. (2022). Clinician and patient experience of internet-mediated eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy. Journal of Psychosocial Rehabilitation and Mental Health, 28. Open access: https://doi.org/10.1007/s40737-022-00260-0
Lazzaroni, E., Invenizzi, R., Fogliato, E., Pagani, M., & Maslovaric, G. (2021). Coronavirus disease 2019 emergency and remote eye movement desensitization and reprocessing group therapy with adolescents and young adults: Overcoming lockdown with the butterfly hug. Frontiers in Psychology, Psychology for Clinical Settings, 701381. Open access: https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.701381
Lenferink, L. I. M., Meyerbroker, K., & Boelen, P. A. (2020). PTSD treatment in times of COVID-19: A systematic review of the effects of online EMDR. Psychiatry Research, 293:113438. Open access: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2020.113438
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If you have further questions about how EMDR Therapy can help you to get past your past, please contact me below. I am PhD Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years experience. I am an Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Alternatively, for further information please visit the EMDR International Association (EMDRIA) (external website): https://www.emdr.com/frequent-questions/
Summary
EMDR Therapy is a very unique and powerful approach to resolving painful memories that was originally developed to treat trauma, over 30 years ago
EMDR Therapy has far-reaching applications beyond large or obvious traumas and is essentially useful to consider whenever the past is causing an individual significant disturbance and/or a negative view of themselves.
Present day Triggers exist because of unprocessed memories from our past.
Early painful attachment experiences and Adverse Childhood Experiences(ACEs) are examples of developmental experiences that may leave a lingering effect on an individual, and these may be useful to work on using EMDR Therapy.
In EMDR Therapy, the therapist takes each of the stuck components of an unprocessed memory and uses the bilateral stimulation to help the brain store this information in new ways. In doing so, the information from the memory is transferred from the limbic system to the pre-frontal cortex where a person can make better sense of what has happened. This leaves a person feeling resolved (vs ‘stuck’) about the corresponding memory and its components.
Preparation involves: Taking a History, determining your Present Triggers and Future Goals, mapping your memories into themes, establishing your Window of Tolerance, and building skills so that you can handle any difficult emotions that may show up as when you bring up the memories that are affecting you.
During a memory-processing session, a client is asked to recall specific components of the problem memory as directed by their therapist – this may include its image, the negative self-belief, and/or the disturbing emotions and associated body sensations. This happens while simultaneously engaging in bilateral stimulation (i.e., stimulation involving both sides of the body) such as left-to-right eye movements (or bi-lateral sounds, flashing lights, or ‘tapping’).
Eye movements are the most common bilateral stimulation used and these are believed to mimic the eye movements of REM sleep (the stage of sleep responsible for memory processing and learning).
These eye-movements may be repeated quickly, in sets of 20-30 (several times), until processing has completed.
EMDR Therapy is very different to regular ‘talking therapy’ – During processing a memory, there is very little talking (other than a brief ‘check in’) in between the bilateral stimulation
Processing a memory can happen very quickly (in as little as a single session)
Due to the Generalisation Effect, you do not need to process every single memory – processing one event or memory may also help reduce the disturbance you experience in response to similar memories.
EMDR Therapy requires extensive supervised training for client safety. Therefore, you should not attempt to perform EMDR (on yourself or anyone else) because it could become highly unsafe.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.
About Me:
Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
Attachment is an evolutionary model that explains how humans develop and function in relationships across the lifespan. Attachment science is one of the most researched areas in psychology. Its history spans over 60 years of research in humans alone, and many decades of research in animals prior (eg, from Lorenz’s observations of imprinting in newborn ducklings in the 1930s, to Harlow’s studies of the effects of maternal deprivation on infant primates in the 1950s).
Essentially, our ‘Attachment Style’ is formed in response to the emotional quality of the relationship provided to us by our primary caregivers. We know that early attachment experiences strongly influence human development in many key areas, including how our brains and immune systems develop, how we learn to self-regulate in response to both pleasant and unpleasant events, and how we learn to experience and communicate our emotions (and needs). As adults, our attachment experiences inform our perception and understanding of relationships and this heavily influences how we are likely to feel and behave in relationships, why we choose the partners we choose (and/or why we choose emotional distance from others).
This page aims to provide you with a deeper appreciation of how Attachment Styles develop and how they affect your current functioning. Early attachment experiences organize the internal worlds of us alland this influences the majority of our relationships (including our relationship with ourselves). Therefore, this a hugely important topic that deserves your time, attention, reflection and care.
Because neglect, parental inconsistency and a lack of love (experienced or perceived) can lead to long-term mental health problems as well as reductions in overall human potential and happiness, it is hugely important to learn about how our attachment experiences have shaped us, and for us to consider working towards healing our past attachment wounds. For many, there is truth to the anecdote: “We spend the first 15 years surviving living with our family and the rest of our lives healing from it”.
Not only do our attachment experiences shape how we are in relationships, they also extend to how we treat ourselves – this includes our ability to notice when we are suffering and also our response to our emotional needs (or why we may have learned to be insensitive to our emotional needs). This ‘responsiveness to Self’ (or a lack thereof such as when we are turning away from ourselves) is heavily influenced by what was (and often what was not – but should have been) taught to us by our primary attachment figures.
What is Attachment?
Our earliest attachments with parents or caregivers shape our abilities and expectations for relationships throughout life. The quality of our bond within these early relationships influences how our brain and immune system develops, how our sense of Self develops, and it also explains how we learned (or why did not learn) to regulate our emotions. The quality of our bond within these early attachment relationships also influences how we strive to satisfy our desire for closeness (vs independence), how we believe relationships work, and what we expect from our partners.
Attachment styles help explain how people respond differently when dealing with challenges of:
Uncertainty or distress
Strong emotions (negative and positive)
General setbacks (and how we relate to failure)
Understanding and communicating emotions (yours & the emotions of others)
Making ‘bids for emotional intimacy
Eliciting ‘care’ from others & responding to this care
Communicating expectations within a relationship
Identifying and communicating needs (your own and your partner’s)
Conflict & emotional disconnection
So, a person’s attachment style first forms in childhood, and then serves as a model for navigating life and relationships in adulthood.
How Attachment Develops
Early in life, humans are predisposed to focus on learning about other people’s reactions and how our behaviour can affect others. As infants, we are completely dependent on our caregivers for food, shelter and affection. As a survival mechanism, our brains have evolved to be very focused on establishing connection, whilst being highly sensitive to disconnection.
The effects of our early attachments with parents or caregivers can trigger a cascade of changes genetically, cognitively, socially, and physically which can have either positive or negative lifelong consequences.
Unsurprisingly, early attachment experiences affect our relationship with ourselves (how we view and relate to ourselves during moments of difficulty) and our relationships with others (the partners we choose – or avoid – and the interpersonal patterns that we keep repeating with all others).
Essentially, this is because the same motivational systems that gave rise to the close emotional bond between parents and their children is responsible for the bond that develops between adults in emotionally intimate relationships.
Although our early attachment experiences do not necessarily have to define us, they set us up with a ‘template for relating’ to Self and Others, which ultimately becomes either an asset or risk factor in terms of our resilience to stress. We now know from decades of research that early attachment experiences heavily influence an adult’s susceptibility to mental health difficulties.
Still Face Experiment
The infamous ‘still face experiment’ (developed by Dr Ed Tronick in the 1970’s) is a powerful demonstration of a child’s need for connection and how vulnerable we essentially all are to the emotional or non-emotional reactions of our primary caregivers. This experiment gives us insight into what it is like when connection does not occur.
Non-emotional reactions are a signal of ‘disconnection’, which triggers a range of instinctual behaviours in an infant. The ‘still face experiment’ illustrates the effects of perceived ’emotional disconnection’ and demonstrates how vulnerable we all are to emotional connection (and disconnection) from our primary caregivers, be they male or female.
Although the ‘still face’ may seem like a trivial example, as you may be able to appreciate, as a child develops there are many complex factors at play between them and their caregiver that will continue to shape and to ultimately teach a child about emotion regulation and self-soothing, how to connect emotionally, and how to elicit care (including a child’s experience and expectations of care as being ‘available and helpful’).
Fathers are important too
Although the ‘mother-infant-bond’ is often cited as hugely important, we also know that the quality of a father’s bond and their emotional responsiveness is also hugely important to a developing child.
Notice how infants demonstrate the same connection-seeking behaviours to their fathers that the infants did with their mother in the previous video. Also, notice how these infants react just as strongly to their father’s ‘still’ face.
Again, understand that these connection-seeking behaviours and their associated reactions demonstrate an innate survival mechanism that is strongly influenced and shaped through parent-child interactions early in our lives. This ultimately informs how, when, why (and with whom) we seek (or avoid) connection as adults:
Although these are just very brief demonstrations, imagine the longer-term effects – over many years – of repeated parental unresponsiveness on the emotional development of an infant. Clearly, over time this would affect a child’s sense of safety and being their sense of feeling ‘cared-for’ by that parent. They may also go on to develop extremely negative views about themselves (such as ‘I do not matter’ or ‘I am unlovable’).
Unsurprisingly, research has shown that children who have parents who are not responsive to their needs have more trouble trusting others, relating to others, and regulating their own emotions.
Why do parents get it wrong?
Even for parents who want the best for their children, there are many reasons why they may struggle to be emotionally present in Secure Attachment ways with their children. For example, if you had a parent who was not responsive to your needs (was not Secure in their attachment style), or who may have even punished you for having certain emotions, you may struggle with knowing how to be Secure in your Attachment yourself. As a parent, you may have difficulties with emotion regulation or other emotional awareness ‘blind-spots’ that lead you to repeating behaviours similar to what you were exposed to with your own children.
At other times, parents lack the information about how attachment affects a child’s developing brain, or they may hold cultural (or outdated) beliefs about emotions and / or parenting that downplay the importance of maintaining an emotionally responsive connection with their children. Alternatively, some parents have strong dysfunctional beliefs about their own abilities (e.g., “I am a failure”) which can interfere with them being able to form a strong bond with their children. These are all common reasons why creating a Secure Attachment fails to occur.
On the other hand, there are also more complex challenges to developing Secure attachment. In households with children who are experiencing behavioural or other developmental difficulties, often parents become preoccupied with caring for that child to the detriment of the needs of other siblings. In households with divorce or a death of a parent there can be ruptures in the Attachment bond. In situations where there is domestic violence, it may be difficult (or unsafe) to show emotions. Unfortunately we know that people who were exposed to the following adverse childhood events (ACEs) can have difficulties with Attachment. Often these people had parents who were exposed to similar adverse events themselves (this is called intergenerational trauma).
We also know that drug and alcohol use can also negatively impact on emotional availability (and both intoxication and the resulting hangover can blunt emotional expression). Some parents have head injuries or other illnesses that make it difficult to show appropriate emotional reactions. Understandably, parents experiencing significant mental illnesses may also struggle to engage with their children in ways that cultivate a Secure Attachment bond.
However, there are also more common forms of disconnection that affect us all. Technology and ‘screen time’ has become a major part of our busy lives and nowadays it is not uncommon to see parents disconnecting from their children in the same ways that were demonstrated in the videos above, by simply using their phone.
For those who are interested, the following video captures what it is like for babies of parents who are immersed in their phones. Notice how absorption in a device triggers exactly the same response in a child as the parental complete non-responsiveness in the previous videos:
A Word of Caution !
Before you go down the road of using Attachment to blame or shame yourself (or your partner, if you are having relationship difficulties) please understand that: Attachment styles are ADAPTIVE behaviours from an earlier stage of life based on our upbringing. Although these behaviours may no longer serve us, they may be carried forward into adulthood. In other words, a child who is taught that relationships are untrustworthy or even frightening naturally learns to have SELF-PROTECTIVE behaviours in all of their relationships. This is not our fault – and it is completely understandable from a survival instinct perspective (after all, all humans are born completely dependent on their parents for food, shelter, nourishment, love and protection). However, as adults it is our responsibility to understand and heal from our childhood attachment conditioning, to help ourselves recognise that the past is affecting us and to provide ourselves with options (and the permission) to change and replace patterns that are no longer serving us.
Also, when considering your childhood attachment history, please keep in mind that parents do not necessarily have to be ‘highly abusive’ to have a negative effect on their children. Parents who are over-protective and intrusive, who are judgmental and have high expectations, or who are dismissive of a child’s thoughts and feelings can (over time) also cause a distrust of relationships – or even a distrust of a child’s own emotions – well into adulthood for that individual.
So in other words, if you learned in childhood that relationships are conditional, shaming, unstable, threatening, withdrawing or rejecting, it may cause you to be uncertain about relationships and this may lead to behaviours typical of the three non-secure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized behaviours). This is not your fault. These emotional reactions and their resulting protective behaviours are an understandable adaptive response to feeling insecure (or unsafe) in an important relationship during a critical stage of our development.
In other words, whereas being able to view attachment behaviours as ‘protective strategies from an earlier part of life that no longer serve us’ is crucial to our liberation, shaming or ridiculing ourselves (or our partner) for having attachment difficulties is probably doing nothing more than continuing to perpetuate the intergenerational toxicity that was handed down to us (or them) by caregivers. This is unlikely to result in freeing ourselves from these patterns and is more likely to continue to do further damage.
It is important to seek help for attachment difficulties. They are not easily resolved with self-help material alone. This is because attachment is relational, it involves your brain’s development and emotional learning in the context of interactions with others. There is learning, reflection, and healing that requires an emotionally-attuned and and emotionally-safe therapeutic environment, and there are skills that need to be honed and practiced interpersonally that cannot be mastered alone.
The Four Attachment Styles
The four attachment styles were born out of the seminal work of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. In the 1950s, Bowlby proposed that attachment is the product of evolutionary processes and that infants are thus born with an innate drive to form attachments with caregivers. In the 1970s, Ainsworth developed a paradigm (the ‘Strange Situation’) to determine attachment security in children within the context of caregiver relationships. The ‘Strange Situation’ procedure involves series of eight interactions lasting approximately 3 minutes each, whereby a mother, child and stranger are introduced, separated and reunited. From this research, Ainsworth identified three main attachment styles (a fourth attachment style was later identified in the 1980s by psychologists Main and Solomon).
The four attachment styles consist of Secure Attachment and 3 Non-Secure Attachment Styles listed and described in detail with examples, below:
1) Secure
2) Anxious (aka Preoccupied)
3) Avoidant (aka Dismissive)
4) Disorganized
1. Secure Attachment:
Secure attachment is the ideal attachment style. Approximately 50-60% of adults have a Secure attachment style. A Secure attachment between a child and a caregiver forms when the caregiver is perceived as safe, predictable, consistent, and physically and emotionally available. The remainder of people develop one of three other attachment styles (Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganized, as discussed in the next section).
Secure attachments develop in the following ways: A securely attached infant believes her parent is safe, available, and responsive when she is in distress. Caregivers communicate these qualities the following ways: Facial expression, posture and tempo of body movement, tone of voice, physical proximity and tactile responsiveness, which together communicate a dependable, caring intention from the caregiver. (This is all pre-verbal information that an infant is constantly learning about and absorbing.) When a secure bond has been established, even the mere attention from or presence of a caregiver can help the infant to regulate distress.
As a result of a secure bond, even if the parent is not always available, the infant will learn to internalize these responses from their caregivers and they can draw on this internal representation to self-soothe and self-regulate during challenges or times of distress. As you can begin to see, this is essentially the origin of where we learn (or sadly where we fail to learn) emotional regulation.
Children with a secure attachment see their parent as a secure base from which they can venture out and independently explore the world. When a caregiver is emotionally responsive and strives to meet an infant’s emotional needs with consistency, the infant is taught to be emotionally responsive themselves. Thus, securely attached children grow into resilient, emotionally healthy adults who enjoy emotionally healthy relationships because they generally feel trusting and safe in those relationships.
In intimate relationships, a secure adult feels secure in their connection with their partner (even in their partner’s absence). This allows each partner to live their lives freely (which is called interdependence). Because a Secure individual is aware of and is able to respond in emotionally healthy ways to their own needs, this frees them up to be supportive at times when their partner feels distressed. Also, because a secure adult feels comfortable eliciting care from others, they are more likely to turn toward (vs shutting down or withdrawing from) their partner when they feel troubled.
In other words, an intimate relationship with a secure partner tends to be honest, open and equal, with both parties feeling independent, yet loving toward each other. Because of this, it is unsurprising that we find that compared to the other attachment styles, securely attached adults (and their partners) report feeling the highest levels of relationship satisfaction.
People with a secure attachment style:
Generally feel close to others
Feel comfortable with emotional and physical intimacy, and also with independence
Communicate effectively and resolve conflicts as they arise
Have fairly stable relationships
Generally trust in their partner
Feel safe in being vulnerable with their partner
Secure Attachment Example
A fantastic example of what Secure Attachment ‘looks like’ in the context of healthy (mutually secure) adult relationships is clearly evident in the (now) infamous “A Credo for My Relationships With Others“ by Clinical Psychologist Dr. Thomas Gordon. As you read through this Credo, I invite you to reflect upon whether you are achieving something like this within your important primary relationships (and if you are, reflect inwards about whether your are achieving this same harmony and respect internally – between the competing aspects of yourself):
A CREDO FOR MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS
You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. Yet each of us is a separate person with our own unique values and needs and the right to meet those needs.
So that we will better know and understand what each of us values and needs, let us always be open and honest in our communication.
When you are having problems meeting your needs, I will listen with genuine acceptance and understanding so as to facilitate your finding your own solutions instead of depending on mine. And I want you to be a listener for me when I need to find solutions to my problems.
At those times when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly and honestly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, when some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will tell me openly and honestly so I can try to change my behavior.
And when we experience conflicts in our relationship, let us agree to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power to win at the expense of the other’s losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine—neither will lose, both will win.
In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love and peace.
Dr. Thomas Gordon (1978)
Non-Secure Attachment Styles
2. Anxious Attachment (aka Preoccupied):
Children who had parents who at times responded well to their needs, yet at other times, were not emotionally present or may have responded in hurtful or critical ways, grow up feeling insecure, uncertain of what treatment to expect.
In relationships, adults with an anxious attachment style find that they need a lot of reassurance and responsiveness. Unlike a securely attached person, those with an anxious attachment style may appear overly dependent on their relationships to feel okay. Certain interactions or events may trigger deep mistrust and they may regularly feel heightened anxiety about the stability of their relationships.
Even though anxiously attached individuals may feel desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behaviour exacerbates their own fears (via a feedback loop called a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’). They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. Worse, when they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings or feel insecure in their relationship, they may become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner.
Although these are simply attempts to protect the Self via seeking a sense of safety, reassurance and security, by clinging to their partner or by engaging in behaviours called ‘Protest Behaviours’ a person with an anxious attachment style may unwittingly push their partner away. For example, if (say) a partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. I was right not to trust him – Maybe there is someone else… This means he is going to leave me.” This may lead to (for instance) lots of reassurance seeking behaviours, such as calling, texting, or even stalking or reading a partner’s private messages. Alternatively, it may lead to hostility towards that partner, who often will not understand the context of the person’s behaviour, and this may drive them away – particularly if the partner has an avoidant attachment style (below).
People with an anxious attachment style:
Feel the need for lots of reassurance in a relationship
Often report feeling overwhelmed or extremely anxious when they and a loved one disagree or argue
Question their partner’s love (e.g., especially at times when their partner is away)
Feels threatened by their partner needing a break (and may pursue them until they give in)
3. Avoidant Attachment (aka Dismissive):
Children of caregivers that were emotionally unavailable, absent, or unaware of their needs often develop an Avoidant attachment style. Perhaps crying was discouraged, or perhaps you were belittled for having emotional needs. As an adult, you may feel uncomfortable depending on someone, or being depended on by others.
A person with an avoidant attachment style lives in an ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to and too distant from others. In relationships, they have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped (or resentful, as though they will lose their sense of ‘Self’) if they become too emotionally intimate / close.
Often, in relationships, the avoidant style is attracted to the anxious style, and this sets off a push-pull between one partner (the anxious style) feeling unloved and the other partner (the avoidant style) feeling unable to meet the emotional demands of the other.
People with an avoidant attachment style:
Feel the urge to pull away when their partner is seeking connection or is distressed
Regularly feel emotionally removed from others
Want to distance themselves from (vs resolve) stressful situations or conflict
Are generally uncomfortable with their emotions. Partners often accuse them of being distant and closed off, rigid and intolerant. In return, they may accuse partners of being too needy.
May prefer fleeting, casual relationships to long-term intimate ones, or may seek out partners who are equally independent (or who will keep their distance emotionally).
If you have an Avoidant Attachment Style, it is important to respect (and be able to communicate) your needs for space in a relationship. One way of doing this is to use phrases that contain elements like: “This is not a reflection of how I feel about you – this is something that I need”.
Eg “I’m sorry – I am not feeling very communicative right now. But please understand that my not wanting to text message with you right now [or insert the specific action] is not a reflection of how I feel about you. Would it be OK if I do ‘me’ for a bit and I promise we will do something together later?”
By developing ways to express your feelings and needs clearly and warmly, and in ways that reassure your partner, they will understand you and will feel secure enough in your relationship to give you the space that you need. In turn, this sense of space will give you a sense of freedom and ‘security’ which will allow you to continue your connection with them – without feeling the need to cut it off to ‘survive’.
4. Disorganized (unresolved) Attachment:
Disorganized attachment is the primary style common in survivors of complex developmental trauma (cPTSD). For instance, perhaps a caregiver was frightening, abusive, or behaved in highly inappropriate ways; perhaps a child’s human rights were violated. These traumas can cause fear of a parent and/or deep confusion in a child (remember – human children are born dependent on their caregivers for nurturance, safety, shelter, sustenance etc) will develop the understanding that a parent is not present for them. However, this creates an internal dilemma: A child is completely dependent on their parent for food, safety and shelter. Often, a child’s innate desire for parental love may create an inner conflict whereby they believe that the behaviour of the abusive parent is their own fault, or that they should remain loyal because “they are my parents”. As an adult, a person with a disorganized attachment style may long for closeness, but may also fear it. They may not seek out relationships because they may feel like counting on others is unsafe. When presented with opportunities for closeness, they may pull away.
People with a disorganized attachment style:
May have had primary caregivers that were abusive (physically, emotionally, sexually, neglect etc)
Commonly report craving emotional intimacy, but also feel it is safer to be alone
May have had primary caregivers who showed love one minute but who were frightening the next
May have Complex Trauma (cPTSD)
May have a deep mistrust of others or question their positive intentions
Attachment & Emotion Regulation
Emotion regulation is the process by which we influence how we experience and express our feelings (which emotions we have, when we have them, and how they are expressed). Throughout our lives, emotion regulation is an important regulator of interpersonal relationships and in our relationship with ourselves.
The ability to regulate one’s emotions is taught in one’s earliest relationships. We are taught ‘how’ to feel (and we are often not taught how to feel) by our primary caregivers, and this becomes ingrained throughout childhood, and practiced throughout life. Thus, emotion regulation and quality of an infant’s attachment are closely linked.
In infants, patterns of emotion regulation are shaped and developed in direct response to experiences with their caregivers. Because an infant is dependent on a caregiver (e.g., for food, shelter, and protection), an infant’s emotional regulation serves the important function for the infant of maintaining a close relationship with the attachment figure. This ensures that the parent will remain close to the child and the child will thereby (hopefully) be protected. As was demonstrated in the “Still Face” videos above – this is a survival instinct (we are hard-wired to do this).
Therefore, it is easy to understand how infants of non-secure parents, who may experience repeated rejection, or hostility, may learn very quickly to minimize their own negative affect (i.e., by emotionally withdrawing or shutting down) in order to avoid the risk of further rejection. Often, infants internalise the voices of their parents – and this can lead to an internalisation of this response to self that persists into adulthood in the form of negative self-beliefs and/or self-criticism.
On the other hand, it is easy to understand how infants of mothers who have been relatively inconsistently available may maximize negative their affect in order to increase the likelihood of gaining the attention of a frequently unavailable caregiver. If this strategy succeeds, it becomes engrained through repetition as a natural response whenever faces with a similar situation. Clearly, this could result in difficulties with emotion regulation for the child that may persist into teenage years and adulthood.
Again, both of these patterns of emotion regulation are simply examples of primal attempts by the infant to remain in positive connection with the caregiver. When these patterns work, they are repeated and they become deeply learned emotional responses – ways that we may still strive to have our emotional needs met as adults.
The early experiences you had with your primary caregivers ALSO play a direct role in the development of your brain, which in turn influences your ability to regulate your emotions. Insecure or inconsistent styles of attachment result in the experience of feeling overwhelmed and unsafe in a child, which creates either Hyperarousal (being on high alert) or Hypoarousal (becoming numb) as means of protection. Left unaddressed, this can persist across the lifespan and can greatly affect adult relationships, including our relationship with ourselves.
Over time, these learned protective behaviours can reorganise a child’s brain during a particularly crucial stage of development (0-15 years) and this, in conjunction with either adverse childhood experiences, skills deficits, or maladaptive coping strategies, can lead to difficulties with emotion regulation in adults (such as a reduced Window of Tolerance, discussed in detail here). Essentially this is because through interacting with an infant in a very critical period of brain development (especially between 0 to 12mths) the mother begins to teach and shape how to down-regulate negative emotions but ALSO how to up-regulate positive emotions (such as joy, interest, excitement, which are important for play-states and the development of the dopaminergic-reward system).
This is essentially what we as adults are ultimately required to do for ourselves, in terms of regulating our emotions (by calmly activating and deactivating our arousal) in response to the full range of events and challenges that we experience. This is depicted in a simple way in the following diagram (taken from my Window of Tolerance article, discussed in detail here):
Moreover, we know that the broader the range of emotions a child learns to experience (and respond to), the broader the range of emotions the adult will be able to understand, experience, and respond to (and understand, experience, and respond to in others).
For these reasons, it follows that, whereas skills for emotional regulation may come significantly easier to those who have grown up with secure attachment, emotional regulation can be more difficult to learn for those who grew up with inconsistent, unavailable or abusive caregiving. Nevertheless, the good news is that we can learn to work with (and heal) our wounded attachment systems, and regarding improving our emotion regulation – this essentially involves developing a new set of skills, which can be learned.
Effects on Relationships
Although it is possible to have differing attachments with different people in our lives (e.g., you may simultaneously feel Secure in your attachment with a best friend, Anxious in your attachment with your boss, and Avoidant in relation to a pesky neighbour), we all have one primary attachment style. Each person tends to rely more on this one style than the other styles of relating.
In fact, this primary attachment style is so fundamental to how we process and make sense of the world that we even dream according to our primary attachment style. In one study, participants completed established measures of attachment to determine which attachment style best characterized them. Then, raters who were blind to the test results, listened to the participants’ recollections of dreams (listening carefully for themes, key people and the relationships between them). Amazingly, raters were able to correctly categorize participants’ attachment styles with a very high degree of accuracy, simply based on the content of their dreams (!). This result as been replicated in similar research.
In the area of intimate relationships, both male and female adults seeking long-term partners often identify qualities of responsiveness consistent with Secure Attachment caregiving (such as warmth, attentiveness, and sensitivity), as the “most attractive” qualities in potential partners. Yet, as you are probably aware, despite the attractiveness of these secure qualities, not all adults are paired with secure partners.
This is because it is common for people to find themselves in relationships with partners who confirm their existing attachment experiences regarding relationships, care, and love. In other words, as adults we are subconsciously drawn towards partners who replicate the attachment dynamics that we experienced as children – even when these dynamics are not helpful for us.(This is because our ancient brains are drawn to this ‘familiarity’ on a primal, subconscious level).
However, this need not be the case. If you are in a relationship that contains unhealthy attachment dynamics, you can become aware of them and work with your partner (or with a therapist) to improve and change unworkable patterns. Or, if the dynamic is truly dysfunctional and toxic, you can work towards terminating an unworkable relationship.
Alternatively, if you are not in an intimate relationship (or if you are not seeking one), understanding your Attachment style is still hugely important because it strongly influences how you relate to yourself and communicate with (and understand) others.
It’s Not Your Fault
As discussed earlier, there are many reasons a parent may struggle to be emotionally present with their children. For the most part, most parents try as best as they can to deal with the challenges of parenting with the emotional regulation skills that they have, many of which were passed onto them by their own parents.
Unfortunately, children of parents who lacked the capacity to understand how what they are doing was ultimately affecting their child’s psychological growth and well-being, will most likely be those who have the deepest attachment wounds (and challenges managing relationships, including their response to emotions and needs of the Self). This is because, as humans, we have built-in survival instincts. As infants, our attachment style was our best means of self-protection.
If you align with a “non-secure” attachment style, it is not because you did something wrong. Rather, your attachment style results from surviving your upbringing. In other words, a ‘non secure attachment style’ is a response to this period because it was how we learned to “balance out” the challenges of the caregiving provided to us. Any non-secure attachment style we may develop was the best way we to could cope with the difficulties of circumstances we were handed. In other words, our attachment experiences are not our fault (!). We did not choose our families, nor did we choose the difficult early childhood experiences we were exposed to.
No matter which attachment style you currently have, know that secure attachment is possible. Learning about attachment is a journey of healing, self-compassion, and moving towards a more secure attachment style that will ultimately lead to healthier, more rewarding relationships.
You can recover from your attachment wounds. You can learn to develop new ways to relate to yourself and to connect with others. Learning about attachment by reading this article (and some of the articles at the bottom of this page) marks the beginning of this journey…
Healing Your Attachment Wounds
We now know that the attachment style you developed as a child based on your relationship with a parent or early caregiver does not have to define your way of relating to yourself, or to those you love in your adult life. In fact, we know that healing our attachment wounds is possible through heathy, emotionally corrective relationships.
We know that healthy attachment to others is our primary protection against feelings of helplessness and meaninglessness. For instance, close, connected relationships can actually reduce anxiety and fear by easing our primal fear of abandonment. This is because strong, attached relationships reduce feelings of fear (threat activation) and help “calm the brain”.
Whereas emotional isolation is more dangerous for health than smoking or a lack of exercise (e.g., people who live alone experience three times as many strokes as those who are married), those who feel the safety of a comforting relationship actually are more resilient in life and can go out and take more risks. Quite simply, loving and being loved makes one stronger. Those who have trust in each other can turn to each other in times of distress and this creates even more emotional safety.
Emotionally corrective relationships can be intimate relationships that you may have with a trauma-aware emotionally supportive partner (or a close friend) who either has a secure attachment style or who has done a lot of this work in therapy themselves. This person may be willing to hold space for you while also holding you accountable, as you work through the pain of your past together in all the ways that this may emerge within the dynamics of your relationship. Again, these individuals are often people who have often already done the work of therapy and have done the work of breaking their attachment patterns. However, these relationships deserve to be cherished and they are not a complete substitute for working with a professional who is trained in helping people heal from attachment wounds.
Unfortunately, for people with complex attachment wounds, developing a secure relationship with the ‘right kind of person’ who is emotionally safe, knowledgeable, patient, unconditionally non-condemning and capable of providing a consistent secure base is a huge task, and there will likely be many hurdles along the way. Attachment patterns can be very challenging to understand and very resistant to change, and this can put significant strain on relationships. Again, working with a professional who is trained in helping people heal from attachment wounds is highly recommended.
Although self-help information can be useful, it is also important to seek help for attachment difficulties and not to rely on self-help material alone. This is because attachment is relational, it involves your brain’s development and emotional learning in the context of interactions with others. The learning, reflection, and healing that is needed to address issues of attachment require an emotionally-attuned and emotionally-safe therapeutic environment in which to do this work, and to practice interpersonal skills that cannot be mastered alone.
Developing Secure Attachment
Seen, Soothed, & Safe = Secure Attachment
Secure Attachment can be BEST summarized with the concept of: ‘Seen, Soothed, & Safe’. Although this idea was initially developed by Dr. Dan Sigel (Neuropsychiatrist, Researcher, and best-selling Author) to help simplify Attachment for parents seeking to understand, attune to, and provide for their child’s emotional and developmental needs, the concept of Seen, Soothed, & Safe can be applied to two further areas: How we as adults relate to others and more importantly, how we relate to (and care for) ourselves.
Seen
‘Seen’ means to acknowledge and understand the mind, and emotions of another. This involves showing interest, empathy and curiosity about the feelings, perspectives and needs of another and being supportive an responsive to the emotional worlds of another person (it is the opposite of a dismissive parenting style that ignores, invalidates, or belittles a child for having the feelings or reactions that they might be having). It also requires being able to remain ‘present’ with and attuned to another person. This is not simply about eye-contact; it is about any actions you can take that may communicate to another person that you ‘get it’ at a ‘feeling’ level – that you truly understand their emotional experience. Mindfulness skills, Active Listening skills, and checking that you have heard what someone is saying correctly, can greatly help with this.
Appling ‘Seen’ to Ourselves: This means developing awareness of our own internal worlds, being able to identify, understand, and take responsibility for working with our emotions. It also means identifying and understanding what we need, and being interested and willing to respond to meeting those needs. If this learning was not provided to us by our primary caregivers, this may require therapy and practice.
Soothed
‘Soothed’ means to provide a sense of comfort and calm to another when they are experiencing difficult emotions or situations, in order to help settle and soothe their nervous system, to provide emotional support, or to provide a ‘space’ to be with the difficulty that they may be experiencing. Soothing may be enhanced by the ways we use our voice (tone, speed, expression), and/or physical gestures like body language, eye-contact, hand holding, or hugging.
Applying ‘Soothed’ to Ourselves: Being able to comfort and care ourselves by responding to our needs with healthy self-care actions, that support, settle, and soothe our nervous systems are all hallmarks of being able to provide a sense of ‘soothed’ to ourselves when we are having difficulties. This may require the prior development and practice of self-regulation skills learned in either therapy or via useful self-help tools.
Safe
‘Safe’ means to provide a sense of emotional availability and/or protection to others which can be demonstrated in a variety of ways, such as via the aforementioned ‘Seen’ and ‘Soothed’ actions, by being ‘present’ and attuned to their inner worlds and demonstrating that you can be a stable and dependable figure during in times of distress. Other actions that cultivate a sense of ‘safe’ may include: Being able to provide emotional a ‘space’ for others where they feel accepted when experiencing their difficulty, by being reliably accountable for one’s actions where there is a contribution to the difficulty (i.e, taking appropriate responsibility to ‘right a wrong’), and checking-in on how another person is feeling in a reliable and a consistent way.
Applying ‘Safe’ to Ourselves: In addition to the skills required to feel we are ‘seen’ and can ‘soothe’ ourselves, being able to communicate through our intentions and our actions that we can care for ourselves in healthy ways (no matter what we may be feeling) can provide a deeper sense that we are ‘safe’ within ourselves. This is largely achieved by being able to respond to our inner worlds consistently with care, acceptance and compassion. This demonstrates to us that ‘it is OK’ to feel what we are feeling. Being proactively responsive to our emotions and our needs (which may include taking assertive actions to elicit care from others) and assertive communication skills are additional resources that can contribute to our sense of ‘safe’.
The video below summarizes the above concepts. Although it presents them as ‘4’ separate elements, they are essentially just 3 because: Seen + Safe + Soothed = Secure Attachment.
Individual Therapy
A skillful trauma-informed psychologist who has undertaken the appropriate training can offer you the experience of a healthy, emotionally corrective relationship. Such a therapeutic relationship has the potential to be an emotionally corrective relationship partly because it is the therapist’s job to be ethical, consistent, and to build in security while being fully present for their clients.
The goal of therapy in providing a secure attachment is to model healthy ways to relate to others and to provide a safe environment for you to learn to attend to and express your own feelings and needs, while also healing past wounds and practicing new skills. In this way, you can work towards developing more secure ways of relating to others, often referred to as ‘Earned Secure Attachment‘. With the support of your therapist, you will be able to begin to apply these new strengths outside therapy in relationships that matter to you such as with a partner, children and friends. This work can take time – but it can be done whether you are in an intimate relationship, or not.
In terms of using the emotionally corrective relationship of therapy to improve your relationship with yourself (which is also an important part of developing ‘earned secure attachment’), this may involve learning new ways of being able to soothe and support yourself when you are struggling or are experiencing a setback – these emotional skills will likely not have been made available to you as a child. For people with significant developmental traumas (such as attachment wounds or Adverse Childhood Events), therapies such as EMDR Therapy may be useful in helping you to remove the disturbance of painful memories so that you can put your past behind you, and create the relationships with yourself and others that you ultimately were unable to have.
If you are troubled by memories that disturb you, or if you are tired of being emotionally triggered by events, I recommend reading my page about EMDR Therapy.
Attachment-Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT)
The most well researched therapy for couples that makes use of attachment science is called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples. EFT for Couples is a short-term therapy that is aims to improve attachment and bonding in adult relationships. EFT for Couples is about creating connection in close relationships. It helps couples to understand and express their emotional experience including their needs, feelings, thoughts, and behaviours.
EFT for Couples is acknowledged as the gold standard for empirically validated interventions in tested interventions for couples. This research shows large treatment effect sizes and impressively, stable results over time.
EFT is the only model of couple intervention that uses a systematic empirically validated model of adult bonding (attachment) as the basis for understanding and alleviating relationship problems. Developed over 30 years ago by Sue Johnson, EFT for Couples is essentially attachment science in a therapy. As has been discussed, attachment science views human beings as innately relational, social and wired for intimate bonding with others. The EFT model prioritizes emotions and emotional regulation as the key organizing agents in individual experiences and key relationship interactions.
Below is a short video explaining research that Sue Johnson and her team performed, involving brain scans of people in relationships who were treated with EFT for Couples. It demonstrates how developing a strong relationship bond can reduce feelings of fear (threat activation) and can help “soothe the threatened brain”.
EFT for Couples not only addresses factors such as relationship distress, intimacy, trust, and the forgiveness of injuries, but it also aims to influence and heal you and your partner’s attachment style.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) involves discussing specific incidents that may occur in your relationship, as a way to help each of you learn about your emotions and the behaviours that result from those incidents.
For example, your therapist may discuss your partner reminding you to take out the rubbish and how that makes you feel. Do you feel angry? What else might you feel? Are you ashamed because you forgot, so that makes you want to lash out in anger? Do you feel judged as “not good enough” by your partner and that makes you feel as if you disappointed her? Does this then make you want to pull away from her?
Goals of EFT for Couples:
To create a positive shift in partners interactional positions and patterns.
To foster the creation of a secure bond between partners.
To expand and re-organize key emotional responses and, in the process, the organization of self.
If you are in a relationship in distress, or you would like to improve your relationship in any way, I highly recommend learning more about the work of Sue Johnson and finding a psychologist who can offer EFT for Couples.
A more in-depth presentation about Attachment and EFT for Couples:
Parents & Caregivers
If you are a parent whose childhood attachment experiences were less than ideal, or worse, perhaps you were exposed to significant traumas commonly referred to adverse childhood events (ACEs), I recommend that you engage in therapy with a clinical psychologist that is trauma-informed, and attachment aware (Please note: Sadly, not all psychologists are). Options for family therapy also abound.
It is also be important to invest in education. My recommendations are to undertake one (or both) of the following established and researched-backed programs:
An international program designed for parents and carers of children aged 0-12 years who want to strengthen the bonds with their children and would like support to help their children to build secure relationships. There is evidence that parents can in fact positively change a child’s insecure attachment style to ‘secure’ with COS training.
Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) training (external link)
CPS is an evidenced-based model of psychosocial treatment developed by Dr. Ross Greene, and described in his books Raising Human Beings, Lost at School, &The Explosive Child (another highly recommended ground-breaking approach to understanding and parenting children who frequently exhibit severe fits of temper and other significantly challenging behaviours).
Rather than focusing on kids’ challenging behaviours (and modifying them), CPS helps kids and caregivers solve the problems that are causing those behaviours. This problem solving is collaborative (vs unilateral) and proactive (vs reactive). Research continues to find that that the model is effective at not only solving problems and improving behaviour but also at enhancing adaptive communication and emotion regulation skills.
The Attachment Project is a (for profit) organisation that has useful Self-Help information for parents & caregivers (such as the specific link above) to help better understand how the different attachment styles develop in response to specific parenting strategies and styles. Their content is written by psychologists.
However, they offer an Attachment Style ‘quiz’ that is not a reputable diagnostic tool, nor is it empirically-validated (if you take this quiz, do so with ‘a grain of salt’). To their credit, the do state “The Attachment Project’s content and courses are for informational and educational purposes only. Our website and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical and/or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment.”
Summary:
Attachment science explains how humans develop and function in relationships across the lifespan.
Our ‘Attachment Style’ relates to the quality of our relationships with our primary caregivers.
Our earliest attachments with parents or caregivers shape our abilities and expectations for relationships throughout life. The quality of our bond within these early relationships influences how our sense of Self develops, what we expect from our partners, and how we believe relationships work.
Our early attachment experiences influence: How our brains developed; how we learned regulate our emotions in response to stress; and, how we relate to others and ourselves (including the partners we choose and how we believe relationships work, and we behave in relationships).
Attachment styles are not our fault (or our choosing). Rather, they emerge early in our lives and are the result of previously ADAPTIVE, self-protective (i.e., ‘survival’) behaviours, that we developed in response to our upbringing. These patterns are often carried forward into adulthood, even though the resulting effects on our relationships with ourselves and others may be compromised or may become ultimately unworkable.
Parents do not necessarily have to be highly abusive to have a negative effect on their children. Parents who are over-protective and intrusive, who are judgmental and have high expectations, or who are dismissive of a child’s thoughts and feelings can also cause a distrust of relationships – or even a distrust of a child’s own emotions – well into adulthood for that child.
Attachment in conjunction with adverse childhood experiences and other developmental deficits (resulting in difficulties with emotion regulation or maladaptive coping strategies), can lead to difficulties with emotion regulation in adults (such as a reduced Window of Tolerance).
Healing our attachment wounds is possible through a combination of learning, self-reflection, and heathy ’emotionally corrective relationships’ – this includes therapy with a trauma-informed, attachment aware therapist with whom you feel safe, understood and respected.
Although self-help information can be useful, there is a need for safe guided reflection and learning of interpersonal skills that cannot be mastered alone.
Because attachment is relational, we need an emotionally-attuned and emotionally-safe therapeutic environment in which to do this work. It involves working with our emotional understanding and responses in the context of interactions with others.
Therapies such as EMDR Therapy may be useful in helping you to remove the disturbance of painful memories so that you can put your past behind you, and create the relationships with yourself and others that you ultimately were unable to have. Regardless of the therapy ‘type’, ensure you seek the help of a therapist who is trauma-informed, and attachment aware.
Help for parents abounds in terms of individual and family therapy, and research-backed programs mentioned above in this article.
Couples with attachment difficulties are recommended to invest in therapy with a therapist who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples. Based on attachment science, EFT is the gold standard for couples therapy a therapy. EFT for Couples not only addresses factors such as relationship distress, intimacy, trust, and the forgiveness of injuries, but it also aims to influence and heal you and your partner’s attachment style.
Understand that your attachment style may also affect how you engage in therapy. If you are receiving (or are planning to receive) therapy, I recommend reading the following article: How to get the most out of therapy.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.
About Me:
Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
Evolution is a powerful force that continues to shape and develop our bodies and brains. Indeed, the human brain has evolved in clever ways that have given us cognitive abilities that no other species has. For instance, the human mind is capable of overcoming hugely complex challenges in the physical world. However, unlike other animals, our evolution has led us to inherit a (partially) flawed system: We are stuck with a brain that we did not design and this inherited ‘evolved’ brain is capable of creating intensely negative and reactive emotions that many of us find very difficult to understand or manage. Worse, this often contributes to us reacting in ways we do not necessarily want and we may even direct these intense negative emotions at ourselves (!).
We can become triggered by unwanted anxieties about the future, we can be haunted by pains of our past (making them feel as though the past is happening again NOW), and we can attack ourselves with our ‘inner-critics’. We can become distracted by greed (at the expense of us being the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be), and we can become fixated on the unrelenting pursuit of goals that do not truly matter (in an attempt to avoid aspects of ourselves that we to not want to acknowledge). All of these can lead us to behave in unworkable ways that may make situations worse for ourselves or others (!).
On this page you will learn about how our minds are wired, and why we do many of the things that we do, and how mental health difficulties emerge and are maintained. You will then be well-placed to learn ways to soothe your Threat and Drive systems and generate a sense of calm, comfort, peace and resilience, so that you can be more free to choose how you respond to challenging emotions (such as anger, fear, pain, disappointment, sadness, and loneliness), difficult internal experiences (e.g., painful memories, negative predictions, anxiety-based imagery, or harsh judgements and self-criticism), and any other situation that you may find personally challenging.
Although the information on this page is specific to the brain’s 3 emotion regulation systems, there are also many important individual factors that contribute to how these systems function (and how challenging it may be for an individual to regulate these systems). Importantly, we find that the common fears, blocks, and resistances that individuals often have around helping themselves work through difficult emotional experiences, are directly related to these developmental factors.
In particular, we know that the quality of the attachment bond between an infant and primary care giver shapes brain development and contributes to a person’s emotional regulation capacities (and this in turn influences relationship difficulties that they may encounter in adulthood – with others and with the Self). Similarly, we know that exposure to adverse eventsand toxic stressors in childhood play a role in brain development, coping skills, and resilience. Finally, it is important to appreciate how both of these factors relate to our Window of Tolerance, which is loosely defined as the zone of arousal in which we are able to function most effectively given the demands of every day life.
As you read on, I encourage you to reflect on how your childhood experiences (mentioned above) may have impacted on your emotional learning and the development of your brain’s 3 emotion regulation systems. Links to all related articles will appear again throughout this article.
Our Tricky Brains
Our brains have evolved to enable us to solve amazingly complex problems: We can create cures for medical issues, we can send humans into space, and we have created amazing technologies (like smartphones and the internet) which allow us to learn, connect and be entertained. Despite the evidence of our prowess over the physical world, we are still no closer to solving the problems of our inner worlds. We cannot use the same problem-solving logic that works in the physical world to permanently address the internal suffering we can experience in our inner worlds.
Our ‘tricky’ brains have been shaped by evolution for us (not by us). So many of the difficulties humans experience are not things that anyone would ever think to include if they were asked to re-design a brain from scratch. Think about this: Our tricky brains can produce scores of unwanted thoughts, unwanted images and unwanted emotions (and thousands of these events can happen on a daily basis!). Yet, we did not choose to have brains that function in this way. Equally, we may struggle with conflicting motivations or desires that may not be helpful. Again, we did not choose to have brains that function in this way (it’s not our fault – evolution shaped our brains this way).
We can become triggered by unwanted anxieties about the future, we can be haunted by the pains of our past (making them feel as though the past is happening again NOW), and we can attack ourselves with our ‘inner-critics’. We can become motivated by greed (at the expense of us being the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be), and we can become fixated on the unrelenting pursuit of goals that do not truly matter (in an attempt to avoid aspects of ourselves that we to not want to acknowledge). Yet, we did not choose any of this.
As discussed in greater detail in the articles how to deal with negative thinking and the Threat System, our brains respond to external threats and internal threats in exactly the same ways:
In addition to the way evolution designed and shaped our tricky brains (which we did not choose), we also did not choose our family of origin, nor did we choose any of the adverse life experiences that have shaped us. We all have brains that respond to ‘perceived threats’ in extremely powerful ways, and we all have brains that have been affected (for better or for worse) by our upbringings. For instance, we know that our early attachment bond with caregivers provides emotional learning experiences that shape brain development and emotion regulation, and that the impacts of these experiences can continue throughout adulthood (e.g., how much we perceive others as predictable and trustworthy, how we relate to others in relationships, and how we care for ourselves during times of distress).
Yet, despite all of this, just as we are responsible for what we make of our lives, we are all still individually responsible for how we regulate our emotions and respond to our tricky brains and life’s challenges. Moreover, it could be said that we are all united in this life together by several themes: We all experienced being born, and we all will experience dying. We all have hopes and dreams. We will all experience pains, fears and sadness. We will experience joys, and we all will experience setbacks, disappointments and difficulties. In other words, our evolution, ‘tricky brains’, and our common humanity (with all of its ups and downs) unite us all.
By keeping in mind just how tough life can be for us all at times, we are more likely to be able to access the best versions of ourselves to support others (and ourselves) in times of distress. However, being the best version of ourselves also requires that we fully understand how our own tricky brains are wired. This means understanding how our motivational systems (and the bugs and feedback loops in the brain caused by evolution) mix with our personal life experiences to shape our perception of the world, ourselves and others.
The 3 Emotion Regulation Systems
Professor Paul Gilbert (who has been knighted Order of the British Empire for his incredible contribution to the field of Psychology) proposed that we have three main kinds of emotion regulation systems, and that adverse early experiences can lead to an unbalance between these systems. This leaves us sensitized to distress caused by fears and anxieties; self-criticism caused by failures; and, deep feelings of shame about things we have done, and/or about things over which we had very little control.
Although we all manage our emotions by switching between the following systems, as will be discussed, most psychological difficulties are caused by an overuse of the Threat and Drive systems (and an under-use of the Soothing system) to manage both actual and perceived threats.
The Threat System (Detection & Protection)
Our Threat System is very powerful: it involves stress-hormones such as Cortisol and Adrenaline. It can activate powerfully motivating bursts of arousal that can alert us to threats and can motivate us to take action. The Threat System responds to external inputs (i.e., problems in the external world) and also internal inputs (e.g., imagery, emotions, thoughts, memories, judgments, predictions etc). It does this by creating powerfully motivating feelings of anger, anxiety, fear or aversion in response to potentially threatening stimuli. The behavioural ramifications include: the Fight-Flight response (which leads us to attack or withdraw), to ‘freeze’ or submit (which can both lead to feelings of shame), or to engage in self-attacking and self-criticism.
The Threat System has been fine-tuned by evolution over thousands of years (those with better Threat Systems were more likely to survive long enough to pass on genes and help raise young). This means our brains have evolved to detect threats very quickly and to mobilise a response (by diverting our energy and attentional resources toward eliminating the threat). This all happens very quickly to ensure our ultimate survival (think: ‘survival of the fittest!’). The Threat System has thus been shaped by evolution to keep us safe. It operates on a ‘better safe than sorry’ principle – it is reactive because its aim is to protect us (to keep us alive), by scanning for and identifying all kinds of threats (even if it gets things wrong, sometimes – which it does!).
Research shows that we are biased toward processing threat-based information: We know that negative information captures our attention, thinking, and memory much more powerfully than does positive information (this is referred to by researchers as a ‘negativity bias’). For instance, we feel the sting of being reprimanded much more powerfully than we feel the joy of praise. We also know that threat-based emotions (fear, anger, disgust) organize our brain and bodies in powerful ways that motivate us to ‘protect’ ourselves and ‘eliminate the source of threat’ in order to ‘stay safe!’. And this all makes perfect sense, from an evolutionary point of view (remember: ‘survival of the fittest’!).
Although this may have been very helpful when having to fight a saber-toothed tiger or a dinosaur, in modern times, it is terribly unhelpful when we are faced with: Having emotions or memories that we would rather not have (e.g., trying to forget the painful past); when we are anxious about trying to solve future problems; when we are trying to do something completely incompatible with Threat, such as when we are trying to stay present and connect with others (or when we are simply lying in bed trying to fall asleep!). What ends up happening is our Threat Systems hijack the situation and worse, if we cannot solve the problem – WE may become the source of the problem (and the target of our Threat System).
So, when balanced with the two other systems, the threat system helps alert us to potential threats and obstacles, and helps to help keep our lives moving in desired directions. However, because it is one of the brain’s most powerful system (remember: it’s all about survival!) it is easy for this system to take up more than its fair share of mental and physical energy. Due to our brain’s ability to imagine and ruminate, and because the Threat system responds to internal inputs (like imagery, thoughts, memories, judgements, predictions etc), it is possible to keep this system running even in the absence of any actual threat. This means that if we spend lots of time living unnecessarily in a state of ‘threat’ our worlds will be experienced as a potentially unsafe. This can make the world seem an unnecessarily anxiety-provoking, exhausting, or an overwhelming place to be. This can lead to toxic stress and a range of mental health difficulties.
You can read more about your brain’s threat system and its triggers, here.
The Drive System (Resource Acquisition & Achievement)
The Drive System is a motivational system that also has roots in our evolution, in that it drives us towards the things we want or need (or, at least, things that we believe we need) in order to prosper. The Drive system is highly influenced by the pleasurable brain chemical Dopamine. Dopamine is a ‘reward chemical’ and we experience a flood of Dopamine (experienced as ‘pleasure’), whenever we achieve something that we set out to achieve. In other words, the drive system is being utilized whenever we develop powerful cravings for the intermittent rushes of pleasure (produced by Dopamine) that come from achieving our goals.
The Drive System alerts us to opportunities for pursuing goals and securing resources, and helps us focus and maintain our attention on such pursuits. Like the Threat System, this system can be powerfully motivating and can narrow our attention to focus on whatever we are pursuing – but this can become tricky especially when the blind pursuit of our goals is actually causing harm to ourselves or others. So, the Drive System can lead to life-enhancing, workable, values-informed activities OR it can lead to actions that may reinforce our problems (and may inadvertently make them worse, as will be discussed).
In the Animal Kingdom, Drive looks like this: The quest to secure Food, Shelter, Comfort, and Territory (e.g., a bird focused on finding sticks to build a nest, a squirrel hoarding acorns for the winter, dogs fighting over a bone, spiders building a web etc). For humans living in modern societies, Drive looks like this: The quest for Social Rank and Status, Competitiveness, anticipation of (and the engagement in) highly valued pleasurable events such as consuming high calorie foods and other forms stimulation (eg video games, internet or pornography, illicit substances), or achieving success (either ‘socially prescribed’ success or however else we may define and value it, ourselves).
In other words, in humans, the Drive System is associatedwith the anticipation of a positive outcome, accomplishment aka ‘Getting Things Done’ (doing more, being more, earning more, & having more) and / or achievement (such as earning a higher rank socially or in the eyes of others in our social group).
When in balance with the other two systems, the drive system can help keep us activated in the pursuit of important life goals. However, at the extreme, Drive can lead to addictive and compulsive behaviours (e.g., chasing unrequited love or the ‘high’ associated with drugs, or compulsive behaviours people engage in order to avoid anxiety), much like the addictive drug cocaine (which also stimulates the dopamine system!). The Drive System often also leads people to overcompensate for feeling bad about themselves which can lead them to pursue achievement in unrelenting and rigid ways (causing perfectionism / control issues, stress, burnout and depression).
Free Dopamine: The Darkside of Drive & Habit Formation
As you will discover, Drive processes can become very problematic for us in terms of ‘habit formation’. This is because the reward system that is activated in the brain when we receive a reward is the same system that is activated when we anticipate a reward. It is this combination – anticipation and accomplishment – that make for a rewarding ‘Dopamine Spike’ that can shape our behaviours in subtle but powerful ways (even without our conscious awareness !).
So, whenever we predict that an opportunity will be rewarding, our levels of dopamine spike in anticipation. And whenever dopamine rises, so too does our motivation to act. Often it is this anticipation of a reward—not just the fulfillment of it— that drives us to take action. Thus, we can stimulate our reward system for FREE whenever we achieve (or anticipate achieving) any task – even if this task was set by ourselves (!). Think about how this may play out in some real world examples:
For instance, imagine you ‘decided’ to scrunch up a piece of paper and throw it into a garbage bin from afar. You assume it will be fairly ‘easy’ and so you anticipate success. Let’s say that on the first throw, you miss (you throw it too far to the left). Frustrated, but determined, you try again. But your second throw is a little too far to the right. Then, you readjust your aim and … ‘BINGO!’ – It lands in the bin with a satisfying ‘THUD’! (You will now likely feel some combination of either ‘satisfied’, ‘accomplished’, ‘pride’ or ‘relief’).
So, why did rewarding feelings arise upon the successful completion of this goal? After all, only YOU ‘chose’ that throwing the paper into the bin would be a worthy endeavour (!). Yet, this completely arbitrary (and trivial) example illustrates how we can a) create an arbitrary goal (we can do this with ‘anything’, really), b) stimulate our dopaminergic system with the anticipation of success, and c) experience a reward insofar as pleasurable states when we finally do succeed! This demonstrates how we humans can use our drive systems to get a ‘FREE DOPAMINE SPIKE’.
This is a trivial example that for most of us would likely only produce a tiny amount of dopamine. But it is instantly possibly more instantly gratifying than (say) so than putting in the effort to reading all of the words on this page (!).
However, here’s where it gets tricky: When combined with the seductive short term benefit (in terms of the feeling of ‘relief’ that comes from a reduction in ‘threat’) that engaging in avoidance behaviours bring, the reinforcing effects of dopamine can quickly become complex habit-forming processes that can maintain psychological difficulties (!).
For example, when someone with OCD succeeds in following a rule they have created, they stimulate powerful reward-circuitry in their brains. They may anticipate future relief (which is ultimately pleasurable) from adhering to a rule that is believed to prevent an aversive situation from occurring in the future, plus relief (further pleasure) when the rule has been successfully followed. When nothing bad actually does happen, if the person associates their actions (rule-following) with a positive outcome this then begins a powerful reward circuit (or ‘feedback loop’) that strengthens the likelihood of this behaviour happening again in similar situations (a habit is formed).
Similarly, when an person with depression and anxiety avoids an imagined future situation that they were anticipating as aversive, they will experience pleasure and relief (even though they were essentially creating this negative situation in their own minds). In this way, ‘avoidance’ is rewarded, and this behavior is more likely to occur again in the future. Equally, when someone with an Eating Disorder adheres to a rigid rule around food (or their weight), the self-prescribed ‘achievement’ that comes from following one’s rule about food is also rewarded by dopamine. Yet, for all of these examples, the rewards are the product of us having created the rules ourselves (free dopamine!).
When it comes to habits, the key takeaway is this: dopamine is released not only when we experience pleasure, but also when we anticipate it. Think for a moment about how you ‘set things up’ to be rewarding in your life? Consider how much dopamine drives of your behaviours – the good (workable, goal-directed approach behaviours) and the bad (your unworkable avoidance-related behaviours).
Threat-Based Drive
Many people tend to be stuck oscillating primarily between the Threat and the Drive systems (almost every Drive action that is pursued rigidly is heavily motivated by a deep desire to escape a Threat vs simply pursuing an action for the sake of the pleasure it brings). In other words, many people go between the torment of Threat and its temporary relief via rigid Threat-Based Drive actions. In the short term, this is very rewarding. After all, we are pain averse, pleasure-seeking creatures. However, this cycle can become exhausting in the long term because it leaves no space for failure (because failure triggers Threat), and by extension, no space for peace and contentment with what ‘is’.
However, this can be a very difficult pattern to recognize because it involves these ancient systems. Threat feels ‘bad’ and relieving Threat (via Drive based activities) involves the temporarily distracting effects of the activity and the temporarily rewarding effects of Dopamine.
Politicians and Advertisers know this, and so too should YOU: By triggering Threat, they get you to ‘do’ something (Drive) which makes you feel better about the Threat. For instance, Politicians are often seen attempting to manipulate vulnerable people with messages of “Fear, Threat, Doom… blah, blah … oh, and by the way: VOTE FOR ME!” (This is the ‘Drive’ component of their Threat-based message!).
Advertisers often prey on these evolutionary systems by triggering fears and insecurities (that surprise, surprise: their product is designed to help you alleviate!), or they strive to generate cravings (Drive) in you to buy the next ‘shiny’ object or experience (that you often didn’t know that you needed before you watched the advertisement).
Threat-Based Drive & Mental Health Issues
Many mental health problems involve an overuse of the Threat and Drive systems. For example, we know that individuals with significant depression may experience not only low moods, but also low motivation and negative feelings towards one’s self, tend to overuse their Threat Systems in the form of relying on their ‘inner critic’ to motivate themselves to ‘take action’ (Threat-based Drive). But more than often, what this does is it inadvertently increases their experience of distress (which increases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline), and this makes failure more likely. And because we know that failure triggers Threat (“I don’t like myself AND now I am a failure as well…”), we now have the perfect recipe for agitation, self-criticism, and hopelessness which often leads to self-hatred and suicidal thoughts.
People with “I’m not good enough” / “I’m not Enough” / “I’m a Failure” often utilize the Drive system in unbalanced ways to feel good about one’s self. Although this is understandable, this can lead to problems. For example, by engaging in the relentless pursuit of achievement in order to feel ‘better’ about one’s self (‘do more’, ‘be more’, ‘have more…’), people often over utilize the Drive System and experience high stress as a result. This is because the threat of failing to achieve can trigger threat via feelings of disappointment, shame, and one’s inner-critic, which inadvertently triggers the Threat System. This becomes a never-ending spiral of suffering. Threat-based Drive is always inevitably a recipe for unhappiness, because when you fail to achieve (which is inevitable, because no one can achieve 100% of the time – people make mistakes AND so much is out of our control!) you will trigger Threat – because whenever you come at Drive from Threat and fail, failure triggers Threat via self-criticism.
People experiencing Anxiety commonly use their Threat & Drive systems. Yet, utilizing the Drive System to reduce any threat (‘do more, be more, achieve more’) only produces short term relief . When Drive is used to escape Threat, it often leads to ongoing difficulties. This is because Threat-motivated Drive actions are essentially an elaborate avoidance strategy (they only work until they don’t… then, you’re back at Threat again).
Of course, given that anxiety feels terrible it is completely understandable that people who are experiencing anxiety are often highly motivated to avoid the imminent source of Threat (after all, anxiety feels ‘bad’). However, the avoidance of anxiety (or its triggers) only ever works in the short term – avoidance does not ever completely eliminate anxiety forever, and meanwhile the actions people engage in while avoiding often leads to them missing out on living a meaningful existence.
Moreover, in the long run, avoidance inadvertently results in an increase of anxiety (because we are teaching ourselves we ‘cannot cope’). Meanwhile no skills for managing anxiety are learned, and the Threats continue to circulate in the mind, which results in increased activity in the Threat system. So, although avoidance may reduce anxiety temporarily, in the long run, it makes makes anxiety worse. Unfortunately, this will likely be perceived as a failure (‘”What’s wrong with me!?”) which may lead to self-criticism and hopelessness, which in turn may trigger …Threat (and the cycle continues).
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is also directly related to a ping-pong between the Threat-Drive Systems. Remember the ‘free dopamine’ example in which we created a goal / rule for ourselves to successfully shoot a piece of paper into a garbage bin ? When we succeeded, we felt ‘good’. This is because, set ourselves a goal and achieve it (or whenever we make a rule and stick to it), we will experience FREE DOPAMINE ! ! !
With OCD, people set themselves arbitrary rules to follow. E.g., “I must turn off/on a light 150 times before I can go to sleep, else something bad will happen!”. Often these compulsive behaviours are labelled ‘rituals’. But essentially, they are behaviours derived from a Threat-based Drive rule, in that if someone follows their self-prescribed rule (and succeeds), they will experience relief (dopamine & stress reduction), even though they created the rule, themselves (!). Because Threat does not feel good and because dopamine does feel good, this is a very seductive cycle: a) Feel Threatened, b) Create Rule and follow it, c) Feel relief (or even good) about that! (and thus, …receive dopamine!).
Here’s where it gets tricky: In OCD, when people take the ‘good feelings’ (eg relief) that result from following a rule or engaging in a series of self-prescribed actions as evidence that they are doing the ‘right thing’ (this is called Emotional Reasoning), this leads to a seductive pattern emerging. In the above example of ‘turning on/off a light 150 times to prevent bad things from happening‘, when the relief of performing the action is associated with the observation the following morning that nothing ‘bad’ actually happened during the night, we now have a highly complex and challenging compulsive Threat-Drive pattern emerging (i.e., falsely associating the relief and the possibly even ‘good feelings’ that follow completing a self-prescribed action, along with the fact that ‘nothing bad happened’ – when really, neither are associated).
Although the above example focuses on OCD, it is important to understand that similar processes can also underpin many other psychological difficulties (for instance): the rigid rule-following people can become stuck in when they develop an Eating Disorder, the Threat based safety-behaviours and rituals that can also occur in Psychosis, the ‘protective worrying’ that can occur in Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and many of the other mental health difficulties people can commonly experience.
So, as you can begin to see – an overuse of the Threat & Drive systems can really get us stuck. The Threat-based Drive ‘ping-pong’ will lead to exhaustion, anxiety, shame, anger, self-criticism, and hopelessness. All of these can have a massive toll our stress levels, our moods, and our relationship with ourselves and others. Clearly there can be no peace with these two systems unless their use is balanced with the third system:
The Soothing System (Safeness, Caring, Contentment)
Like the Threat and Drive Systems, we come into this world hard-wired with Soothing Systems. In evolutionary terms, the Soothing System is our Mammalian Care-Giving System. Often, the Soothing System operates naturally when there are no threats to defend against and no goals that must be pursued. This system taps into feel good neurochemicals such as oxytocin, endorphins, and opiates.
Unlike the Threat and Drive Systems which activate us, the Soothing System can deactivate us. The Soothing System is associated with peaceful states – feelings of being safe, calm, peaceful, and content. The Soothing System allows us to soothe ourselves, and it also allows us to soothe others. It is linked with experiences of giving/receiving care, affection, acceptance, kindness, warmth, encouragement, support and affiliation. We now know from the research that these behaviours can downregulate and weaken the toxic effects of the Threat System. In this way, the Soothing System can bring us a sense of calm, safeness, and peace.
Sometimes people who have been overutilising their Drive Systems have misconceptions around activating their Soothing System because they believe that if they were more accepting of themselves, they would simply ‘give up’ on all of their pursuits and would never achieve anything. This is hugely inaccurate. Whereas Threat-Based Drive is a weakness (it only works temporarily – until you fail – because failure inadvertently triggers Threat via self-criticism), approaching Drive activities from a place of Soothing can provide you with a rich source of strength. If you are able to support, nurture and soothe yourself, you are more capable of being there for yourself if you fail (and you will eventually fail or will make mistakes, because nobody is perfect 100% of the time). This means you will be able to handle disappointment without spiraling into self-criticism and self-attacking or shame. You will be able to meet yourself wherever you are (emotionally and at whatever your skill level) and you will be able to understand, support, nurture, and encourage yourself to learn from your mistakes and get back out there and try again (if that is important to you). By relating to yourself in this way, you are not motivated by fear or your Threat System. In fact, you may even be more comfortable with yourself which means that you can do a better job. Activating your Soothing System makes you more resilient in the face of life setbacks. Soothing is a source of strength, not a vulnerability.
However, unfortunately, for many people, the Soothing System is often both hugely misunderstood and underutilized, or it is completely blocked. This is particularly true for individuals with difficult family upbringings such as attachment wounds, or with a history of complex trauma. For example, due to our developmental histories, or painful emotional or interpersonal experiences (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, parental hostility or parental unresponsiveness), the very behaviours and emotions that associated with caring or safeness (warmth, closeness, and soothing) can unfortunately inadvertently trigger a sense of Threat – not safeness!
Interested readers are encouraged to read more about this in the following articles:
As previously discussed, an imbalance in these three Systems can lead to mental health problems. And we know that individuals who underutilize their Soothing System often also experience intense shame and self-criticism which triggers an excess of cortisol and stress hormones and this (for example) can result in hostility, suspicion or defensiveness, which can greatly interfere with their relationship with both themselves and others.
Luckily, being able to tap into the Soothing System involves an established set of skills. Thankfully, Soothing skills (see below) can be learned and this fact is backed by extensive scientific research. If you believe that you are over utilizing your Threat or Drive systems or if you would like to learn more about how you can tap into your Soothing System – I recommend working with a Clinical Psychologist who is trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT).
What is CFT?
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) was developed to help those with mental health issues that are maintained by feelings of shame or self-criticism. CFT is based on evolutionary psychology and the latest neuroscience of emotions. It teaches practical skills to help people bring balance to the brain’s three emotional systems so they can self-soothe and deal with difficult emotions such as Anger, Shame, Anxiety, Fear, Depression, and Self-Criticism. A major component of CFT is to work with the Fears, Blocks, & Resistances (FBRs) to working with the Soothing System. These FBRs are essentially viewed as being outdated (but understandable) protective strategies that were once helpful (but which are no longer helpful because their consequences now play out in very complex and undesirable ways). These FBRs are all completely understandable once the impacts of one’s developmental history and one’s early learning about positive emotions such as Soothing are considered.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.
About Me:
Dr Andreas Comninos
PhD Clinical Psychologist
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
The brain is the body’s most complex organ. It balances physiological and psychological needs while responding to the environment – all at the same time! But, when it perceives something as a potential threat, it triggers a cascade of neurophysiological activity that re-organises its resources and attention so that it can focus on keeping the organism (read: ‘YOU!’) safe. When it is appropriate, this is very useful – because in turn ensures the survival of the organism. When it is not appropriate, the threat system can overwhelm us and can lead us to feeling Fearful, Angry, or Anxious. On the other hand, we may engage in self-criticism, or we may engage in avoidant or destructive patterns that make the situation worse for ourselves and others.
Although it is understandable that we would want to act to reduce and/or to protect ourselves from threats, when we let our threat systems dominate we are likely to act in ways that are disproportionate to the situation and this process will (often rapidly) get in our way. This typically happens when threat (or our sense of threat) is being created by our own perception and this is either happening without us knowing (due to undeveloped awareness) or is not being adequately addressed (due to a lack of understanding about the nature of the mind-body feedback loop, or low skill level in terms of ‘what’ to do about it).
This page discusses the biological aspects behind what the threat system is, and provides an evolutionary explanations as to why it works the way it does, in the hope that you will come to understand: a) That it is not our fault that we have a threat system – it is how the human brain has evolved for survival; and, b) Why it is important to learn skills to soothe our threat systems – from a biological and psychological perspective. Armed with a better understanding about ‘what’ our threat system is and what it is doing to our mind and body (and what you can do about it), with some skill-practice you will have more choice regarding how you respond to difficult situations that involve threat!
Understanding the Threat System: The Amygdala
One of the most important parts of the brain in terms of the threat system is the Amygdala. The amygdala is shaped like a little almond and lies deep in the brainstem in the limbic system, which consists of the hippocampus (responsible for memory), and the hypothalamus (which secretes hormones that regulate important bodily functions including the fight-flight response). The primary role of the Amygdalae (we actually have a pair of amygdala) lies with the processing of information in order determine whether or it needs to signal onwards to the limbic system that the brain needs to take action and do something.
All information that we experience from our 5 senses (taste, touch, vision, smell, and hearing) passes through our Amygdala which sorts this information into either ‘threat’ or a ‘non-threat’. For instance, if we are crossing the street with our head buried in our phone and you hear a ‘honking’ of a horn and the screeching of car tyres and with our peripheral vision we notice a huge dark car-shaped object heading our way, rapidly increasing in size as it gets closer, our Amygdala will likely sense of this visual information as “threat!” and it will stimulate our hypothalamus to trigger a ‘fight-flight response’.
Fight-Flight Response (aka ‘fight-flight-freeze-appease’ or ‘fight-flight-flop-n-drop’ response): We have ancient protective circuits that can create a cascade of physiological activation designed to help us survive. In the context of the example above (being ‘honked’ at while distracted by our phones when crossing the road), the “flight” part of this response will increase our heart rate while slowing down digestion (so blood can be pumped FAST to our larger limbs so we can protect ourselves or escape), it will dilate our pupils (to let more light in so we can see better), and it will create a surge of adrenaline (which will give the body an instant burst of strength) so that we can drop that phone and jump out of the way of the speeding vehicle to survive!
However – and this is both a blessing and a downside of the threat system – the threat system also receives information from the Mind. This is where psychological problems emerge, because the mind can trigger a threat in the absence of a threat! Thankfully, when we come to understand and learn about our mind – we can learn to differentiate between these two sources of information: the information from our ‘mind’ vs the information from our ‘our 5 senses’. From this point (with skills training and some practice), we can learn to direct our minds in ways that can calm and soothe the threat system. The diagram below shows the two sources of information that can trigger our threat systems…
Sources of Threat (The Mind vs Our 5 Senses)
Information from our mind is not real – it is a construction that can trigger a cascade of neural and emotional circuitry: This includes: Thoughts, Images, Memories Predictions, Judgments / Evaluations, Daydreaming, Self-Talk, Self-Criticism, and ‘Stories’ that we tell ourselves (e.g., the ‘I’m not good enough‘ story).
Mental events are representations. They are NOT real; mental experiences are simply constructions of reality.If we imagine yummy food, we may salivate. If we think of something threatening, we may trigger anxiety and our threat system (e.g., remembering something that made us angry or fearful years ago can trigger our threat system which can make us feel as though it just happened or “it’s happening again…!” and similarly, imagining or predicting something threatening in the future can trigger the threat system by flooding the amygdala with threat-based imagery that can produce Fear or Anxiety)
In contrast,
The information from our 5 senses is real: Sight, Hearing, Taste, Touch, and Smell. These are real (e.g., a bus heading for us as we cross the road without looking, is REAL). However, we can confuse ‘how real’ this information is with our minds – e.g. if we have a stomach ache, we feel this with our 5 senses (touch) we may have the thought “oh no – maybe I have cancer!” (The mind). Individuals who fear panic attacks may experience the sensations in their bodies (5 Senses) and then tell themselves (with their minds) that the physical experiences are dangerous. Because the Brain does not know the difference between reality and what our mind’s are doing, this can trigger our threat system which raises anxiety further and makes for an unpleasant – but not life threatening – panic attack. If interested, you may read more about panic here.
Why is making this distinction important?
Aside from brief and relatively infrequent events like the example descried above (i.e., crossing the street and being ‘honked’ at), it is unlikely that the information from our 5 senses is regularly telling our amygdala that we are being shot at, or that our life is in immediate danger (!). In terms of our everyday life, if we are living in a safe (war-free) country and are actually safe, and we have access to food, clothes, and shelter, it is unlikely that we are regularly experiencing ANY information from our 5 senses that is triggering our threat system (at all). What we are thinking about our 5 Senses is where we are more likely instigating a threat trigger (!)
e.g., the next airplane that flies overhead is NOT going to drop a bomb and it would be strange to look up and think anything like that that, or feel anxious…. In other words, if we are experiencing any kind of psychological distress on a regular basis, chances are that it is our Mind that is triggering your threat system!
e.g., a panic attack does not mean that we are in danger or are loosing control (rather, it is what people think about what are feeling in their bodies that becomes the source of threat!)
Ask yourself – Which is most often responsible for triggering threat: Is it your 5 Senses (what you are experiencing?) or is it your Mind (how you are thinking ‘about’ things, including what you are thinking ‘about’ what you’re experiencing with your 5 senses)?
Although it is understandable that we would want to act to reduce and/or to protect ourselves from threats, when we let our threat systems dominate we are likely to act in ways that are disproportionate to the situation and this process will (often rapidly) get in our way. This typically happens when threat (or our sense of threat) is being created by our own perception and this is either happening without us knowing (due to undeveloped awareness) or is not being adequately addressed (due to a lack of understanding about the nature of the mind-body feedback loop, or low skill level in terms of ‘what’ to do about it).
How does this happen? (Getting ‘hooked’, aka Cognitive Fusion)
The Mind is an amazing tool – what separates humans from animals is our ability to solve problems both in the present moment and in the future. For instance, humans have created transportation (cars, planes, and spaceships), the internet, and the ability to have climates controlled while indoors at the press of a button! However, our problem-solving prowess combined with the ability to mentally ‘be’ in the past or the future, is also our Mind’s downside.
TRY THIS: Imagine you are on a beach in a warm, tropical location. Really picture it – Imagine the sunshine warming your skin, the sound of the gentle waves as they lap up against the shore, and the fresh smell of salt in the warm sticky air. As you lie in a hammock between two palm trees soaking up your delicious surroundings – like the one in the picture below …
Now – stop imagining and think about the experience and feelings you just generated as you answer the following questions: Could you see the beach? Could you feel the sun? Could you hear the waves or smell the salt in the air?
Congratulations! You just did what animals cannot do – you triggered a change in your attention and your emotions by using your imagination. This is normal and easy for us to do – it’s called daydreaming. It’s fantasy – it’s not reality. Importantly: You were able to change how you felt because even though your mind knows it is just daydreaming, the brain does not know the difference. Psychologists call this ‘cognitive fusion’ – you just ‘bought into’ what your mind was telling you.
Why is Cognitive Fusion a Problem?
As demonstrated, unlike animals, humans can imagine a situation that isn’t actually happening. It can feel real. This becomes problematic when we are imagining a problem that we cannot solve because we can become preoccupied with trying to solve it. We can experience anguish, stress, frustration, or even anxiety. So, like daydreaming, even though we may know that we are not in the imagined situation, the brain doesn’t! And like how daydreaming can trigger positive emotions – by imagining a threatening situation we can trigger the brain’s threat system and experience real emotions and distress to a situation that isn’t actually happening! This is where Mindfulness skills come in handy:
Understanding Our Triggers
Because we can will feel consistent with whatever we are thinking about (‘cognitive fusion’), and because threat-based processing is part of our evolutionary survival instinct (the fight-flight-freeze response), our threat systems can be triggered VERY EASILY by what we are focusing on (e.g., thoughts, imagery, memories, predictions, emotions, sensations or ‘stories’ we tell ourselves about either ourselves or the situation). In fact, we also know that information from our brain and bodies can influence our sense of safety / threat unconsciously (i.e., via neuroception) and that this can create feedback-loops (i.e., we use our minds to narrate what may be happening in our bodies / environment, and this triggers threat which is represented in our bodies, which then feeds threat-messages into our minds, and so on…).
Nevertheless, for the sake of simplicity and to illustrate the impact of our Minds, the following examples are some of the ways our minds can trigger our threat systems. See if you can identify which are triggers for you and your threat system:
Thinking about uncertainty or a problem that is unsolvable = AGITATION or STRESS
Worrying that others might be judging you or thinking badly about you = ANXIETY or SHAME
Imagining a future where something ‘bad’ will happen = ANXIETY
Imagining situations where you will not be able to cope = HOPELESSNESS
Imagining failure = HOPELESSNESS / FEAR, or a confrontation = ANGER, or being abandoned / alone = FEAR, DEFECTIVENESS
Memories about the past = SADNESS, SHAME, REGRET
Ruminating over something that makes you angry = ANGER
Engaging in self-criticism or self-attacking (see the “Inner-Critic”) = SHAME, SELF-LOATHING, HOPELESSNESS
Many of these triggers are often present in mental health problems such as anxiety and depression (and even psychosis) – and most people do not know how to deal with what their minds are doing. But it makes sense that when we deeply care about an outcome, this can trigger our threat systems (e.g., the fear of failure). Whenever we want to achieve something there is a risk of failing and so there is forever a risk (threat) of disappointment. This triggers anxiety and can also trigger self-criticism.
What Can We Do?
If we do not have a good awareness of the difference between threats created by the mind vs what we are feeling in our body (our 5 Senses), it is probable that we are being ‘pushed around’ by whatever our mind tells us. This risks triggering our threat system, which is all about SURVIVAL! This in turn can launch us into fight, flight, or freeze!
Fight = Attack!
Flight = Avoid!
Freeze = Shutdown!
Understanding the threat system and what triggers it is an important first step in being able to begin to notice and differentiate between ‘5 senses experience’ (information coming from our 5 senses) and ‘mental experience’ (information coming from our mind).
Next, we need to develop awareness of our mind’s ability to ‘hook’ us out of the present moment and into whatever threat it is focusing on (remember – our minds are typically very busy and focus on: Memories, Predictions, Imagery, Judgments, Evaluations, Emotions, Sensations, and ‘stories’).
Then, we need to come back to the present moment using our 5 senses – What can you smell? What can you taste?What can you feel on your skin? Etc. If we have become quite stressed we may even need to work to soothe our bodies (which will contribute to having a calm mind). We can do this in many ways, but a common (and medically-researched) way to do this quickly is with slow, diaphragmatic breathing (aka soothing rhythm breathing).
All of this is an active, ongoing process that requires awareness and lots of practice. Once we aware of our habitual patterns of responding, we need to learn how to respond differently. This often requires learning new skills, such as: learning how to self-soothe (breathing), refocusing the mind onto our 5 senses (mindfulness), responding differently to what our minds are telling us (defusion), and practicing self-compassion (because after all, it’s not your fault that you have a threat system – we all do – it’s how we’re built! It’s not your fault, the experiences you have had have shaped your nervous system, but it is your responsibility to learn how to take charge).
Although the above information is exclusively about the Threat System, it is important to understand the role of our Brain’s other emotional systems, and our bodies, so that we can learn skills such as Mindfulness and Self-Compassion which can help us deactivate the threat system by cultivating a sense of calm safety in our nervous systems. This is essentially the rationale for developing the ability to self-soothe. Although it may seem difficult at first, the good news is that these skills are things that can be learned (or a psychologist can help you learn them!).
All of this information forms part of a broader picture: Know where you are at, Know where you want to be, and know what you need to do to get yourself there. This statement in particular relates to self-regulation – knowing what ‘state’ you are in (vs what state you need to ‘be in’ in order to achieve what you want to achieve), and knowing how to do cultivate whichever state that will be most helpful to you in a particular situation.
Summary
Our brains are hard-wired for survival (think: ‘Survival of the fittest’)
Our brains are the product of thousands of years of evolution (our ancestors had good threat systems which ensured they bred and passed on their genetic material, to us!)
When triggered, our threat systems are concerned with only one thing: SURVIVAL
We can inadvertently trigger threat with our own Minds – in the absence of any real danger!
Most (99.99999%) of the time, threats get triggered by our Minds, not our 5 senses (this includes when we appraise what is happening with our 5 Senses as ‘threatening’).
This is not our fault – it’s just how our brains work!
The trick is to: Know where we are at, Know where we want to be, and know what we need to do to get ourselves there.
If we want, we can choose to soothe our threat systems using a variety of skills that work with the body (breathing, 5 Senses experiencing) and the mind (Unhooking from thoughts, contacting our Observing Self, and self-compassion).
These skills are discussed in detail in the articles I have written, below
If your mind is being constantly hijacked by real or imagined threats, then this is a signal that you may professional assistance to learn how to self-regulate and soothe your threat system so that you can free yourself from anxiety, depression, and other difficult struggles. Contact me below.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.
About Me:
Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
This page is not just about negative thinking – It is also about something that your brain probably ‘thinks’ that it knows (but actually probably doesn’t)! – If you are someone who struggles with negative thoughts, it is likely that your brain probably does not know the difference between the stories created by your mind in the form of thoughts, imagery, memories and predictions … vs. reality – The information flowing through your 5 senses.
This information applies to all of us: Being unaware of this difference and not having the skills to wilfully discriminate between these two sources of information, leaves us open and vulnerable to being ‘pushed around’ and influenced by whatever our minds are focusing on. Although this may be ‘nice’ when we are daydreaming about pleasant things – this means a whole world of suffering and anguish if we are engaging in distressing, anxiety-provoking or threat-based mental processes.
Your Threat System:
All humans and other mammals (including: dogs, cats, apes, tigers, mice, elephants, gorillas, pandas, horses, whales, and dolphins) have a pair of amygdala an almond-shape set of neurons located deep in the brain’s medial temporal lobe. These form part of our limbic system (aka ‘threat system’), the oldest part of the brain that helps to protect us and keep us safe. In other words, Threat System = Survival (survival emotions and instincts).
All information being processed by your brain passes through the limbic system and this forms part of the brain’s threat processing system. The limbic system keeps you safe, by evaluating whether or not something is threatening. This includes information from both your 5 senses (the external world) AND all of the information generated by your mind (your internal world).
If your limbic (aka ‘threat system’) perceives something as a threat, it has the power to reorganise the mind and body by triggering a cascade of neurophysiological responses (like the fight-flight-freeze response!). This then completely reorients your mind’s focus and its attentional resources, and your motivations and your actions. These will then all work together to protect you from the perceived threat.
Without a healthy and functioning threat system, our species would be in serious trouble – we would not be motivated to protect ourselves from danger and we would likely take risks with catastrophic outcomes – humans would probably not have survived as long as we have.
However, although all information flows through this system, often your threat system does not know anything about quality or the source of the information flowing through it. Of all the information that your brain is constantly processing (i.e., information from all of your 5 senses AND the information being generated by your mind), your brain does not know the difference between real threats (the threats that we need to attend to – like a car speeding towards us as we walk cross a street while texting…) and perceived threats (threats that are created by our minds – such as when we imagine a future situation turning out negatively, which triggers anxiety or thinking badly about ourselves, which can cause us to feel shame).
Negative Thinking & Threat
Your limbic system (aka your ‘threat system’) is only concerned with one thing: “Is this thing a THREAT… or NOT?” As can be seen in the diagram below, if an event is considered to be a THREAT, this starts a cascade of physiological processes which have evolved to protect you from harm. These are ‘survival’ instincts (i.e., fight-flight-freeze). On the other hand, if no threat is detected, we remain calm (i.e., ‘rest & digest’, or ‘homeostasis’).
In other words, your limbic system does not discriminate between external or internal threats. Generally, people are pretty good at dealing with external threats (e.g., paying bills, crossing roads, deadlines etc.). Rather than external threats causing people trouble, it is in fact the ‘internal threats’ (i.e., the threats from our minds) that are the most problematic.
Most of the time, it is the information being focused on by your mind that triggers threat: Thoughts, imagery, negative predictions, shame-based memories, self-talk, self-criticism, negative appraisals. This is important to understand, because if we can consciously shift our focus away from our minds and back onto our 5 senses, we can begin to create a sense of calm.
Why? This is because our ‘focus’ is finite. Our attention is limited – we simply cannot attend to all things at the same time. If we use this knowledge to our advantage and fill up our focus with non-threatening information (by focusing on neutral information such as the information from our 5 senses), there is no room for the mind to get us stuck in threat.
So, the threat system is ‘always ON’, meaning that it is always monitoring – it is always scanning (!). We can’t turn it off, and although sometimes it can be helpful, most of the time we need to be deliberate and conscious about how we use our minds – what we attend to, and how we use our attention can either trigger threat systems or can keep our threat system at bay. The following diagram explains this, visually:
The above process is neither good nor bad – It is simply how our threat system works. But it is extremely powerful. An important question you should be asking yourself is: Is it helpful (?). In other words, is what you are attending to (in your mind) activating your threat system, or is it helping you to keep calm and soothed (?).
There is a strong mind-body feedback loop in that what we focus on results in feelings in our body. For instance, daydreaming about something positive might make you feel calm, optimistic, or motivated. Similarly, daydreaming about eating your favourite food might make you salivate. This is because there is a strong relationship between how we think and what we feel. Thoughts are simply propositions (or ‘invitations’) that our brains can utilise to stimulate physiological processes that result in emotions and motivations to act on our thoughts. However, this can work against us when our minds think up negative, frightening, or painful thoughts / situations (!) and this can interfere with – or stop you from – going after your goals and your heart’s deepest desires (!).
E.g., “I’m not good enough”, or “There’s something wrong with me!” (feelings = defectiveness, shame)
E.g., “I can’t be bothered” or “I can’t do it” (feelings = defeat / hopelessness)
E.g., “If I don’t … then something BAD will happen!”, or “Even if I DO … then something BAD will happen!” (feelings = anxiety / hopelessness)
E.g., “Nothing will ever change or improve”, or “What’s the f*cking point?!” (feelings = hopelessness / anger / despair)
E.g., “I can’t, because what if … happens?” (feelings = anxiety, trapped)
E.g., “I really AM not good enough, and there’s NOTHING I can do” (feelings = hopelessness, shame, defeat)
Cognitive Fusion & our ‘tricky brains’
From the most recent scientific estimates, humans on average have over 60,000 thoughts per day and many of these are automatic and are unrelated to what we are actually doing. This means that there are plenty of opportunities for our minds to ‘hook’ us or ‘trick’ us into thinking that there is actually a real threat to attend to – that the pictures and stories that our minds are painting are in fact real.
We can get side-tracked by the mind’s thoughts and images about the past, or its predictions and images about the future. And if we are unaware that we are engaged in this process – because we often feel consistent with what our minds are focusing on – we can hijack our present emotional state with painful images about the past (leading to anger, sadness, or regret) or frightening thoughts about the future (leading to anxiety, fear, stress, or panic). This is what psychologists call: ‘Cognitive Fusion’.
For example, although all animals have a threat system, one major difference between animals and humans is that we have a much more fully developed cortex, which allows us to solve complex problems in the present and in the future. Our sophisticated brains have been able to build and fly airplanes, create the Internet, build ‘smart’ phones and create self-driving cars – our human brains can solve many amazing complex problems. However, compared with animals, our more sophisticated brains also have tricky ‘bugs’ built in them…
A zebra uses its 5 senses to see a lion, hear a lion, smell a lion – it will likely then run for safety. However, once it uses its 5 senses to asses if there is no evidence of a lion, the zebra will calm down and resume eating grass. Unlike a human, the Zebra won’t have nightmares about lions or lie in bed awake at night imagining how much more scary it would have been if there were 3 lions! It won’t become depressed about being a zebra that lions like to eat. And, it won’t develop an anxiety disorder where it feels scared and hopeless about being a zebra for the rest of its life. No! – This is something a human brain would do.
A human brain may replay with the mind, images of lions. It would likely ruminate about the past lion sighting and would likely become preoccupied and fearful about encountering a lion in the future. Due to cognitive fusion this would trigger anxiety and a cascade of associated physiological arousal – it may even trigger a panic attack – even though there is no lion actually present! Worse – A human’s brain may even calculate from its memory all of the salient features about the environment containing the lion and respond with stress and trepidation to anything in the future merely resembling the experience containing the lion (the green colour of the grass, the time of day, the day of the week, what we were wearing, what we’d done earlier the day we got chased by the lion, what we were thinking immediately prior… etc.). The human would then be motivated to avoid all of these cues. This is how anxiety functions.
So you see – our ‘tricky’ problem-solving brains may try to eliminate any future ‘threat’ by motivating us to think (or act) in ways that might avoid these situations. But, avoidance actually increases anxiety. So we will do our best to “try not to think about it”, which almost always backfires – and so we will remain anxious – despite all of our brain’s amazing problem-solving abilities. So have we actually gotten rid of anxiety by thinking about the lion attack, or future lion attacks? – No! And although anxiety is part of us and being anxious may lead to behaviours that appear to us safe, the downside to living in a perpetually heightens state of threat is that it causes us difficulties which rob us of an opportunity to live a full, rich, and meaning life.
More on Negative Thinking
Although in the example above I have focused on ‘anxiety’, cognitive fusion can also can trigger other emotions – think about a time from the past where something happened that made you really, really ANGRY! What happened back then? Who was involved? What did they say/do? How did you feel? – You probably already know from previous experience, the more you think about this event and how angry it made you, the more you can again start to feel angry, right now! (or if you regret something that you did, focusing on this might lead to you feeling regretful or sad!). The same process applies to other emotions: Shame, Embarrassment, Agitation, and so on.
Threat-based thoughts and emotions are very powerful. These processes can reorganise our brains and our bodies to take charge and deal with the source of the threat. But when it comes to situations in the past, or situations that haven’t even happened yet, we experience strong emotions that we can’t get rid of or fix. People often try to get rid of these strong unpleasant emotions – and this makes sense. It makes sense to not want to feel unpleasant emotions. However, can we really permanently ‘fix’ or permanently get rid of anger, anxiety, sadness, stress, and be happy and free forever? (If so, please contact me and we will write a bestselling book together!).
However, how often do we go to war with our emotions and try to ‘not’ have them? This makes these emotions – which are inside us – the problem. So, now we have yet another threat: ourselves, because we are the one’s having the emotion that we don’t want to have (!). In other words, the problem-solving logic that we use to fix things in the outside (physical) world, actually does not work for our inner world of emotions and the processes our mind’s engages in. When we are having problems due to threat-based emotions and threat-based mental activity – this is when we need to use skills like mindfulness and defusion, discussed below!
What does this all mean for you?
If you want to develop peace of mind and become freer from negative thinking, difficult emotions or unnecessary stress, the important thing to take away from this is: It is essential to learn to distinguish between real vs. perceived threats. This requires a solid understanding of and an ability to notice the difference between real threats from your 5 senses vs. perceived threats (the threats that are created by your mind via the processes of cognitive fusion). This is a discrimination task: “Is this actually happening, or is this happening in my mind?”
From here, you then need to learn to practice ‘unhooking’ or defusing from your mind’s thoughts. This means learning to ‘look at your thoughts’ (seeing thoughts as simply thoughts), rather than seeing the world through your thoughts (which will get you ‘hooked’ by your mind!).
It would also be helpful to develop a detailed and compassionate understanding of your mind’s threat system, learning about what your threat system is designed to do, what triggers it, and how it is essentially just trying to keep you safe or tell you that you deeply care about something. This understanding includes keeping in mind that when your threat system has been triggered, that you will likely feel strongly motivated to protect yourself from whatever threat your mind has created, even if it is not based in the present moment. And even though this may have negative consequences for you and how you’re feeling – it involves understanding that your brain is simply doing what it was designed to do: to ‘keep the organism safe’. However, as previously discussed, our minds are powerful and can make us feel like there is a threat or an emergency that is real – much of what our mind thinks is not actually based in the present moment and is merely a construction of some other period in time (eg, thoughts about the past = can trigger sadness/regret, whereas thoughts about the future = can trigger anxiety/hopelessness).
Developing skills in Mindfulness is essential in increasing your awareness of your mind and what it is focussing on. Mindful awareness can help you differentiate between 5 Senses information and information from your mind – it can also help you develop skills in noticing (vs. reacting) to the contents of your mind (which includes thoughts, predictions, memories, images, and ‘stories’ we tell ourselves about the challenging situations we are facing). However, Mindfulness is not enough. We also need to develop skills in ‘unhooking’ from the narrative and images of the mind – this process is called ‘defusion’.
Normally (i.e., without defusion) we can easily become fused (‘become one with’) whatever our mind is doing. This means we accept what our mind is telling us as the present reality – as if what our mind is saying is literally true. This then leads to feelings that support our mind’s narrative. We often then feel overwhelmed, controlled by our minds, and stuck. Defusion is a way to disrupt and unhook from unhelpful thoughts, memories, images and stories.
Learning about defusion means learning about thinking and this gives you a better understanding of the way mind your mind works. This means understanding that thoughts are just thoughts – they are not real, you do NOT need to accept the literal meaning of anything that your mind thinks and that nothing that your mind is thinking is necessarily actually happening right now. Again, this means you are learning about how to ‘look at’ your mind’s thoughts vs. looking through the lens of your thoughts.
It may also help to remember that you are not your mind or the thinking that it does – thinking is merely a process that your mind engages in. Just like you are not your eyes or your eyelids blinking – and just like you are not your heart or its beating – you are not your mind or its thinking. Thinking is merely something your mind does, just like blinking is something your eyes do, and beating is something your heart does. None of these things ARE you, they are simply parts of you.
Thinking is not something that you need to accept at face value – The process of thinking is simply something that the mind does. Do you really want to be pushed around by every single one of your mind’s thoughts ?
Here is a demonstration of how thinking is not something that you need to accept at face value. TRY THIS: In your mind, repeat the following phrase: “I can’t stand up…. I can’t stand up… I can’t stand up…!” Keep repeating this phrase and STAND UP! (And… what did you notice….?).
If you already were standing, do this with ‘I can’t sit down!’ And sit down (And… what did you notice?).
(I’m assuming you realised something that you already knew on some level – that is, you can do something even though your mind says you cannot. If not, repeat this exercise until you realise what is being said here.)
Hopefully, although this is a simple example, you can acknowledge and agree that it is possible to have thoughts that do not necessarily have to control us. This is very important to understand because we have 60,000 thoughts per day! After all, do you really want to pushed around by your mind and believe everything that your mind tells you? If not, it will be helpful to learn how to defuse (aka ‘unhook’) from difficult thoughts (and memories, predictions, judgments and images!).
How to ‘Unhook’ from negative thinking (cognitive defusion)
This brief exercise gives you a glimpse into the real-life practice of getting ‘unstuck’ from your mind. Instead of arguing with your mind, we want acknowledge and accept that our minds are very busy and are capable of all kinds of unhelpful thoughts, while at the same time cultivating a posture of detached curiosity. Ultimately, this will help us to make use of what is workable, and to let go of the rest.
The first step is to become aware of the automaticity of your thought processes and what makes negative thoughts / images / predictions / judgements noisy and confusing (vs what makes having all kinds of thoughts a simple, non-issue). You can do this for FREE, right now, and right here (!). All you need is a pen, a paper, and a few minutes (~5 mins) to spare.
First, simply write down the string of thoughts that emerge when you give your mind free reign for one minute. Just sit there, notice, and write them down. Do not be concerned with spelling, or the details. Simply document in bullet-point each thought that your mind has, and move onto capturing the next. We are not interested in the content (the meaning) of your thoughts – we are interested in something else… For now, JUST ‘GO’ – write them all down!
Second, repeat this exercise for another minute. But this time, we ARE interested in the meaning / content of your thoughts. See if you can figure out whether a thought is true, correct, or appropriate? This might involve weighing and evaluating, or judging and criticizing.
‘GO’ – write them all down & figure it out!
Third, repeat this exercise for one more minute, but this time imagine that your thoughts are like the voices of little kindergarten children. To do this, adopt a posture of curiosity and amusement as you listen, while not engaging them. Just notice what these little kids say – quarrelling one moment; saying something interesting the next.
Now – Self-reflection time! What did you notice?
In the second exercise (compared to the first), you may have noticed that the loudness of your thoughts increased, relative to the first exercise. In other words, you got more pulled into your thought networks; you experienced cognitive fusion with your thoughts.
In the third exercise, you might have noticed more the flow of your thoughts, because the specific content of the thoughts became less important. You also may have noticed that you had a little more freedom to move. Some of what your mind thought may be useful, yet much of it is not.
Does taking action based on a negative thought such as: “I’m not smart enough” enrich your life? If the answer is YES, then great! DO IT! But, if the answer is NO, this is an indication that you need to simply take a step back, and notice your thoughts with detached posture mindful curiosity. It is ‘simple’, but that does not mean that it is easy. Due to processes under the control of the threat system, thoughts can trigger emotions, urges, and physiological processes that can push us around (which is why it can be helpful to have some guidance around how to work with the mind).
Note. For some people, particularly if you are feeling lethargic or flat, doing each of these 3 exercises for just 1 minute may not be a long enough time to have many thoughts. If this is applies to you, then you may wish to try each activity for 3 minutes each.
Unhooking from thoughts
Although the above activity helps show you ‘formally’ what defusion and unhooking ‘is’ it is not very portable, which is not very practical (!). By far, one of the most portable and practical ways you can practice unhooking from your mind’s thoughts are to make use of the following (very useful) defusion phrase: “I am noticing my mind is having the thought that… (insert the thought verbatim)”.
This phrase is fantastic in being able to help you begin to understand and learn how to make use of defusion within your own mind. You can practice this skill anywhere – and I strongly suggest that you DO. For instance, while walking down the street, while standing in a line, while waiting at a traffic light (etc). Be creative – develop your awareness and skill in being able to notice and ‘unhook’, and then return to the present moment. This is essentially what you are doing when you are engaging in Mindfulness (!). once you are able to do this, move onto the next step: Unhooking from unworkable Stories.
Unhelpful ‘Stories’
In general, the most troubling threat-based mental events and their related threat-based emotions are not simply caused by one negative thought. Rather, difficult threat-based thoughts and emotions are generally triggered by a dense amount of mental processing – processes that start with a thought, but one that might trigger an image of the past / future, which then triggers predictions or judgements, which then triggers an emotion, which may then trigger more thoughts, judgements or predictions (and so on…).
This is best referred to a ‘story’, which is shorthand for ‘a narrative’ (a narrative that completely ‘makes sense’ if we reflect on and consider our developmentalhistories). Understand that we all have stories and there are 2-3 main ‘stories’ that each of us will continue to return to during times of challenge, distress or uncertainty. Know your stories, and you will know thyself… the contents of your threat system, the topography of your mind, and what you care most deeply about.
Stories can take an infinite number of forms (because they are based on our histories), but they often contain over-arching themes such as ‘I’m a failure’, ‘I’m unlovable’, ‘I’m not good enough’ etc. When we buy into an unworkable story we identify with it, and even if it is inaccurate or completely not true getting hooked by an unworkable story will often limit what we are capable of doing in a given situation.
Unhooking from Stories
What to do about it? When we learn what our stories are, we will be in a better position to understand our mind’s threat system and predict what stories it will likely generate in stressful situations. To do this, we can use mindful awareness to notice what stories show up. We can write them down, and we can look for themes. Then, we can decide upon a label to give to the story. We are then well-placed to use the following helpful phrase: “I am noticing that my mind is doing the … story again” whenever this story (or a related theme shows up).
By unhooking from the unworkable story using the phrase above, we thus begin to create distance between what our mind is doing and what we want to be doing. We can use mindful awareness to return our focus on the present moment by focusing on all of the information available to us (eg, from our 5 senses). And we will then be in a better position to choose what we want to do instead of our story.
None of this is a ‘magic trick’ – you may still feel strong negative emotions, but mindful awareness is an important first step in helping you to raise your awareness of the difference between what your mind is doing vs. what is actually happening. Practising unhooking (defusion) can create just enough space between you and what your mind is doing for you to be able to refocus on the present moment & choose what your next move will be (vs reacting to a difficult situation and making things worse).
Sometimes we need more skills than just mindful awareness and defusion. Sometimes we can get very triggered by our stories, memories, or emotions. When this happens, we need to draw upon soothing skills (emotion regulation skills such as Soothing Breathing and calming imagery) to soothe ourselves and to increase our window of tolerance. This can be trick and it requires practice. This is not a ‘magic trick’.
Troubleshooting – The thoughts keep coming back
You may find that you can ‘notice that your mind is having a thought’ and from this observing position that you can successfully unhook from that thought. But if you are particularly triggered, you may find your mind keeps having more unpleasant thoughts. This is normal and is to be expected (after all we have 60,000 thoughts per day, remember?). This not a sign that ‘defusion does not work’. Rather, this is a sign that you need to work hard to keep unhooking, because you have been particularly triggered.
Why (?) – Consider the following ‘Hot Stove’ example: If you saw a red hot stove and someone just turned it off – even if it was disconnected from the power at the wall – would you touch it ?
HOT STOVE! Even if this had been turned off at the power – Would you touch it?
How about NOW … Would you touch it ?
… What about NOW ?
– Why not ?
– because the stove is still hot! (obviously)
But how long would it remain hot for?
(Really, it would depend on many factors – how long it was on for, the ambient temperature of the room, whether the room was ventilated etc. So, ‘when’ it is safe to touch depends on many factors, and it is clear that it will take some time before it has cooled down. This is just like when you get triggered by difficult thoughts or emotions…)
Your mind and the emotions that it can trigger in your body are exactly the same – unhooking from one thought is not going to be enough to soothe you if you have become emotionally ‘hot’ (triggered by a cascade of painful or threatening thoughts/images/emotions). It will take time and will require you to keep unhooking, and to keep coming back to the present moment (your 5 senses) in order to cool yourself down. Depending on what triggered you and how ‘hot’ you got, you may even need to work with your body and do some soothing breathing, to soothe your threat system and signal to your body that you are safe.
And all of the above processes need to happen in tandem – unhooking on its own is not enough. It also helps to know why you would even bother to learn about how to use your mind in this way (!). Consider: Why would you want to invest in learning to respond to your mind in this new way – what is in it for you? How might it help you if you were be able to have any thought and be literally un-phased by it? How might this help you deal with some of the difficulties that you commonly experience (predictions, judgements, self-criticism, anxious thoughts, anger, depression, anxiety)? How might these skills help you behave more like the person that you truly want to be? (do you even know who you truly want to be?)
To conclude, unhooking (defusion) is a way to help you distance from your mind’s thoughts. On its own, it is simply an exercise that demonstrates how we can get stuck (and unstuck) from thought processes. However, when combined with deliberately shifting your attention back to the present moment, grounding yourself in the present moment by focusing on the information from your 5 senses, self-regulating with self-soothing skills, and connecting with the deeper reasons ‘why’ doing all of these things can benefit you – this is where you can take an exercise and transform it into an arsenal of tools that can help you break reactive patterns and take actions that move you towards the things that are most important to you.
Defusion is not just ‘an exercise’. It is one of many evidenced-based ways to using your mind to increase your capacity to choose how you want to respond when challenging thoughts / stories show up. Used consistently, these skills can help to you self-regulate, which is essential when dealing with life’s challenges.
Summary:
There are two sources of information that your brain is constantly processing – information from your mind and information from your 5 senses.
Most problems occur when we attend to what the mind is thinking and accept this as reality. All of our brains work this way!
Information from your mind is: Thoughts, Memories, Predictions, the narrative (or ‘story’ we are telling ourselves), judgements / evaluations, and mental imagery.
Being able to re-focus on the present moment via your 5 senses is an important skill so you can return to what you would like to be doing. Focusing on your 5 senses can deactivate your brain’s threat system because information from your 5 senses is generally free from threat. This is how to feel calm and at peace (!).
Even if you find it difficult initially, learning to differentiate between what your mind is doing vs what information is coming to you via your 5 senses is a skill that can be learned.
Mindful awareness can help you notice the source of information that you are focusing on.
Defusion can help you unhook from the literal meaning of your thoughts / the imagery in your mind. This can create the necessary distance between you and your mind which can free you up so that you can respond differently.
Following defusion with awareness of your 5 senses can help bring you back to the present moment (e.g., ‘what can I smell…?’, ‘what can I hear?’, ‘which parts of my feet are in contact with the floor?’ , ‘what am I doing?’… etc)
Combining the above with soothing breathing, can help you to self-regulate (to stay ‘cool’ when you have become emotionally triggered)
I have attempted to explain several interrelated concepts. It is one thing to read the words on this screen and understand them intellectually; it is another to be able to put them into practice. I appreciate that it can be challenging to implement mindfulness and defusion skills with very difficult and longstanding struggles, particularly without help (and practice).
My recommendation is that if the information above intrigues you or has raised some questions about how you use your mind, that you contact me, or seek out a clinical psychologist who understands this approach and can show you practical strategies tailored to your individual needs.
If you are troubled by negative thoughts or anything else that your mind is doing, I strongly recommend working with a clinical psychologist to truly understand your brain’s threat-system, and how to make use of mindfulness, and defusion. A clinical psychologist is capable of developing practical exercises in order to best demonstrate and tailor this knowledge to your situation. The information on this page might sound ‘simple’ but it can be difficult to learn these skills without proper guidance.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.
About Me:
Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
Cultivating a sense of mindful awareness is an active process that involves attention and curiosity. This is the opposite of judging, reacting, or avoiding (these are the default modes by which people typically function!). As is discussed in further detail (here), developing your ability to ‘stay present’ and to remain mindfully aware, form a solid foundation for learning other helpful skills that you will likely need to learn and implement (depending on your unique situation). In other words, without mindful awareness, trying to learn tools and skills will not be beneficial – because you will not be aware of when you need to use them (!).
Mindful awareness is the ability to observe all experiences without judgment. Initially, developing mindful awareness can be challenging, which is why it can help to have a good understand of what mindfulness is (and why mindfulness is not enough). It can also help to have someone guide you through the process. In lieu of a guide, or a teacher, guided audio exercises are a fantastic way to begin your mindfulness practice.
Although ‘audio exercises’ are not mandatory for learning Mindfulness skills, often it can be helpful to have a guide – and it helps to have several options because people have difference preferences for the speaking voice and pacing of the narrator, and also the activity.
With regular practice, you will develop an ability to stay present and observe, you may also experience a reduction in your reactivity, and you will begin to see things more clearly (i.e., without judgement). In other words, you will be better able to experience things for what they really are and this will allow you to choose (vs react) how you want to respond to difficult internal experiences and other challenging situations.
How to use Audio Exercises
Below are a list of guided mindfulness exercises that have been carefully selected for the quality of their guidance. It is important to experiment with several exercises so that you can find an exercise and a guided voice and speaking style (e.g., male or female, tone, pacing) that you find pleasant to engage with – everyone has their own preferences.
A common mistake people make when learning new psychological skills is that they only practice when they are distressed. This is a terrible way to go about skills practice. Although mindfulness can reduce stress and has many health benefits supported by science, whenever we use mindfulness (or anything for that matter) as a ‘trick’ to get rid of difficult emotional states, the real intention of our behaviour is to avoid emotion which is ultimately impossible. This is not what mindfulness was designed for.
Whenever we misuse mindfulness – or any other activity – to avoid difficult thoughts, or emotions, this is a form of resistance. Yet, resistance / avoidance often contributes to maintaining or even exacerbating the problem. In other words: “What we resist, persists”. (You can read more about the problem of avoidance and other common misconceptions people initially have when learning Mindfulness, here.)
Remember: Mindfulness is the opposite of avoidance; it will often make us more aware of our inner worlds or physical sensations (not less), so that we are more able to ‘notice’ (vs react) which with practice can give us a sense of freedom from our mind and/or our emotions. Thus, if you are someone who has chronically avoided your inner world or the sensations in your body for reasons such as anxiety and/or trauma, please tread lightly and consider professional guidance in conjunction with this work.
In sum, rather than ‘avoidance’, please view the use of Mindfulness practices as a way to free yourself from reactivity by increasing your ability to:
Notice and observe just how busy your mind is;
To notice how easily you can get ‘taken away’ by a thought / image / sound / emotion / physical sensation; and,
To understand through your direct experience with Mindfulness (i.e., experientially), that by observing and noticing events in your mind / body / emotions that you can in fact become separate from (and more accepting of) your mind and its thinking, and your body and its perceiving.
This is just the first step. Mindful awareness is often not enough. Depending on your own personal situation and mental health needs, learning additional psychological and behavioural skills is recommended (I discuss this in detail here). But for now, let’s be guided by the science and wisdom of mindful awareness, and learn to practice developing this important attentional skill!
Note. Each link will take you to an external website.
High Quality Mindfulness Audio Resources (all are free)
Note. Each link will take you to an external website:
Respected psychologists and mindfulness teachers Tara Brach & Jack Kornfield have a FREE 40-day Mindfulness Audio Course here. Each daily lesson is 10-15 mins in duration and features a short talk and guided meditation designed to assist you in establishing a meditation practice.
For brief introductory mindfulness exercises created by the University of California’s (UCLA) Mindful Awareness Research Centre , download the FREE UCLA Mindful App (iTunes / Google Play). Alternatively, you can also access programs and download guided Mindfulness meditations from their website.
Mindfulness for Teens: Here are several brief but helpful guided mindfulness activities (suitable for teens & anyone new to Mindfulness)
Working Mindfully with the Body: Guided Mindful Yin Yoga
Compared to most other forms of Yoga, during yin yoga simple postures are held for longer periods of time (usually between 3-5 minutes) in a Mindful and receptive way. The entire practice is often longer than 30mins in duration. The deeper physical work of Yin Yoga practice, combined with the associated opportunity for increased self-awareness, can help to release the accumulation of tension and stress to promote more freedom and well-being in both body and mind, and emotionally.
Good examples of a Mindful approach to Yin Yoga are here and here. Each practice is approximately 60 minutes.
If you like this form of mind-body care, may also find Yin Yoga classes are offered in your local area, and there certainly are many free (and paid) Mindful Yin Yoga courses available online.
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.
About Me:
Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
Our heart is tuned in to our mental, emotional, and physical states. It beats FAST when we are excited or nervous, and it beats SLOW when we are calm, and relaxed.
Our heart’s rate is typically under the control of the autonomic nervous system (which regulates many organs and unconscious physical processes in our body). The autonomic system has two branches that have opposing effects on heart rate activity – The Sympathetic Nervous System kicks in during stress and ramps your heart rate up; and the Parasympathetic Nervous System slows your heart down when it’s time to relax.
Heart Rate Variability (HRV)
Heart Rate Variability is a GOOD THING. It is the healthy variation (in time) between each of your heart beats (beat-to-beat) and indicates the impact of psychological and physiological stress and fatigue on the body. Generally speaking, the more relaxed and free from stress you are, the more variability in the time between each of your heartbeats.
So, HRV is an important physiological marker for overall health, and the body-mind connection. It indicates how well the body can prevent and recover from stress and disease states.
An example of an electrocardiogram, or recording of the heart’s electrical activity, to show HRV. Each spike is a heartbeat and the time intervals are shown in seconds.
HRV & Health
The relationship between HRV and health has been studied in unborn babies through to the aged. Just as having a high HRV is desirable and good, having a low HRV is a warning sign – it is predictive of increased risk of diabetes and mortality in middle-aged men, and this likely extends to the general population as well. Low HRV is also associated with increased blood pressure and can be used to project how well patients will recover from heart attacks.
HRV & Mental Health
Considering that the brain is a major part of the nervous system, it follows that reductions in HRV are associated with stress and mental health issues. We know that low levels of HRV are related to depression, anxiety, rumination, and self-criticism. On the other hand, increased HRV is associated with improved self-control, ability to deal with negative emotions and situations, and more social engagement.
Heart Rate Variability (HRV) Training
Given its relationship with all of these important processes, researchers have been studying how to harness HRV for physical and mental health applications. Generally referred to as HRV training, this often involves breathing exercises and relaxation or Mindfulness meditation techniques. Although not essential in boosting your HRV, often HRV exercises are paired with HRV biofeedback programs that provide instant visual or auditory information about your HRV as you work on moving it towards a target value.
There is a specific kind of breathing that is straight-forward way to increase your HRV and bring about the calming and soothing emotions we often feel when we feel ‘safe’. Feeling safe is linked to HRV and higher levels of HRV are in turn linked to a greater ability to self-soothe when stressed. This is important because by self-regulating, we can slow our body and minds, and re-center, so that we can take effective action without making a situation worse.
To learn about and practice a breathing activity that has been found to increase HRV and induce a lovely sense of calm, visit the Soothing Rhythm Breathing page.
HRV & Compassion
Increased HRV has been found to be specifically connected to the emotional state of compassion (vs simply experiencing positive emotions, which does not increase HRV).
This underscores the importance of HRV in facilitating compassion, which involves engaging with suffering (either within one’s self or others) while inhibiting the distress-related tendencies to either fight with or withdraw from the suffering. To read more about Compassion, click here
HRV Exercises
The following activities have been found to increase HRV:
Soothing breathing, for which I have written a guide for, here
Spending time in nature, which I have written about here
Loving-kindness Mediation (LKM)
Compassionate Letter Writing
Compassionate Mind Training
Using Self-Compassion Phrases & Compassionate Self-Talk
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.
I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.
About Me:
Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist
I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.