Towards moves

Your Brain’s Threat System

Overview

The brain is the body’s most complex organ. It balances physiological and psychological needs while responding to the environment – all at the same time! But, when it perceives something as a potential threat, it triggers a cascade of neurophysiological activity that re-organises its resources and attention so that it can focus on keeping the organism (read: ‘YOU!’) safe. When it is appropriate, this is very useful – because in turn ensures the survival of the organism. When it is not appropriate, the threat system can overwhelm us and can lead us to feeling Fearful, Angry, or Anxious. On the other hand, we may engage in self-criticism, or we may engage in avoidant or destructive patterns that make the situation worse for ourselves and others.

Although it is understandable that we would want to act to reduce and/or to protect ourselves from threats, when we let our threat systems dominate we are likely to act in ways that are disproportionate to the situation and this process will (often rapidly) get in our way. This typically happens when threat (or our sense of threat) is being created by our own perception and this is either happening without us knowing (due to undeveloped awareness) or is not being adequately addressed (due to a lack of understanding about the nature of the mind-body feedback loop, or low skill level in terms of ‘what’ to do about it).

This page discusses the biological aspects behind what the threat system is, and provides an evolutionary explanations as to why it works the way it does, in the hope that you will come to understand: a) That it is not our fault that we have a threat system – it is how the human brain has evolved for survival; and, b) Why it is important to learn skills to soothe our threat systems – from a biological and psychological perspective. Armed with a better understanding about ‘what’ our threat system is and what it is doing to our mind and body (and what you can do about it), with some skill-practice you will have more choice regarding how you respond to difficult situations that involve threat!

Understanding the Threat System: The Amygdala

One of the most important parts of the brain in terms of the threat system is the Amygdala. The amygdala is shaped like a little almond and lies deep in the brainstem in the limbic system, which consists of the hippocampus (responsible for memory), and the hypothalamus (which secretes hormones that regulate important bodily functions including the fight-flight response). The primary role of the Amygdalae (we actually have a pair of amygdala) lies with the processing of information in order determine whether or it needs to signal onwards to the limbic system that the brain needs to take action and do something.

All information that we experience from our 5 senses (taste, touch, vision, smell, and hearing) passes through our Amygdala which sorts this information into either ‘threat’ or a ‘non-threat’. For instance, if we are crossing the street with our head buried in our phone and you hear a ‘honking’ of a horn and the screeching of car tyres and with our peripheral vision we notice a huge dark car-shaped object heading our way, rapidly increasing in size as it gets closer, our Amygdala will likely sense of this visual information as “threat!” and it will stimulate our hypothalamus to trigger a ‘fight-flight response’.

Fight-Flight Response (aka ‘fight-flight-freeze-appease’ or ‘fight-flight-flop-n-drop’ response): We have ancient protective circuits that can create a cascade of physiological activation designed to help us survive. In the context of the example above (being ‘honked’ at while distracted by our phones when crossing the road), the “flight” part of this response will increase our heart rate while slowing down digestion (so blood can be pumped FAST to our larger limbs so we can protect ourselves or escape), it will dilate our pupils (to let more light in so we can see better), and it will create a surge of adrenaline (which will give the body an instant burst of strength) so that we can drop that phone and jump out of the way of the speeding vehicle to survive!

However – and this is both a blessing and a downside of the threat system – the threat system also receives information from the Mind. This is where psychological problems emerge, because the mind can trigger a threat in the absence of a threat! Thankfully, when we come to understand and learn about our mind – we can learn to differentiate between these two sources of information: the information from our ‘mind’ vs the information from our ‘our 5 senses’. From this point (with skills training and some practice), we can learn to direct our minds in ways that can calm and soothe the threat system. The diagram below shows the two sources of information that can trigger our threat systems…

Sources of Threat (The Mind vs Our 5 Senses)

Information from our mind is not real – it is a construction that can trigger a cascade of neural and emotional circuitry: This includes: Thoughts, Images, Memories Predictions, Judgments / Evaluations, Daydreaming, Self-Talk, Self-Criticism, and ‘Stories’ that we tell ourselves (e.g., the ‘I’m not good enough‘ story).
Mental events are representations. They are NOT real; mental experiences are simply constructions of reality. If we imagine yummy food, we may salivate. If we think of something threatening, we may trigger anxiety and our threat system (e.g., remembering something that made us angry or fearful years ago can trigger our threat system which can make us feel as though it just happened or “it’s happening again…!” and similarly, imagining or predicting something threatening in the future can trigger the threat system by flooding the amygdala with threat-based imagery that can produce Fear or Anxiety)

In contrast,

The information from our 5 senses is real: Sight, Hearing, Taste, Touch, and Smell. These are real (e.g., a bus heading for us as we cross the road without looking, is REAL). However, we can confuse ‘how real’ this information is with our minds – e.g. if we have a stomach ache, we feel this with our 5 senses (touch) we may have the thought “oh no – maybe I have cancer!” (The mind). Individuals who fear panic attacks may experience the sensations in their bodies (5 Senses) and then tell themselves (with their minds) that the physical experiences are dangerous. Because the Brain does not know the difference between reality and what our mind’s are doing, this can trigger our threat system which raises anxiety further and makes for an unpleasant – but not life threatening – panic attack. If interested, you may read more about panic here.

Why is making this distinction important?

Aside from brief and relatively infrequent events like the example descried above (i.e., crossing the street and being ‘honked’ at), it is unlikely that the information from our 5 senses is regularly telling our amygdala that we are being shot at, or that our life is in immediate danger (!). In terms of our everyday life, if we are living in a safe (war-free) country and are actually safe, and we have access to food, clothes, and shelter, it is unlikely that we are regularly experiencing ANY information from our 5 senses that is triggering our threat system (at all). What we are thinking about our 5 Senses is where we are more likely instigating a threat trigger (!)

e.g., the next airplane that flies overhead is NOT going to drop a bomb and it would be strange to look up and think anything like that that, or feel anxious…. In other words, if we are experiencing any kind of psychological distress on a regular basis, chances are that it is our Mind that is triggering your threat system!

e.g., a panic attack does not mean that we are in danger or are loosing control (rather, it is what people think about what are feeling in their bodies that becomes the source of threat!)

Ask yourself – Which is most often responsible for triggering threat: Is it your 5 Senses (what you are experiencing?) or is it your Mind (how you are thinking ‘about’ things, including what you are thinking ‘about’ what you’re experiencing with your 5 senses)?

Although it is understandable that we would want to act to reduce and/or to protect ourselves from threats, when we let our threat systems dominate we are likely to act in ways that are disproportionate to the situation and this process will (often rapidly) get in our way. This typically happens when threat (or our sense of threat) is being created by our own perception and this is either happening without us knowing (due to undeveloped awareness) or is not being adequately addressed (due to a lack of understanding about the nature of the mind-body feedback loop, or low skill level in terms of ‘what’ to do about it).

How does this happen? (Getting ‘hooked’, aka Cognitive Fusion)

The Mind is an amazing tool – what separates humans from animals is our ability to solve problems both in the present moment and in the future. For instance, humans have created transportation (cars, planes, and spaceships), the internet, and the ability to have climates controlled while indoors at the press of a button! However, our problem-solving prowess combined with the ability to mentally ‘be’ in the past or the future, is also our Mind’s downside.

TRY THIS: Imagine you are on a beach in a warm, tropical location. Really picture it – Imagine the sunshine warming your skin, the sound of the gentle waves as they lap up against the shore, and the fresh smell of salt in the warm sticky air. As you lie in a hammock between two palm trees soaking up your delicious surroundings – like the one in the picture below …

Now – stop imagining and think about the experience and feelings you just generated as you answer the following questions: Could you see the beach? Could you feel the sun? Could you hear the waves or smell the salt in the air?

Congratulations! You just did what animals cannot do – you triggered a change in your attention and your emotions by using your imagination. This is normal and easy for us to do – it’s called daydreaming. It’s fantasy – it’s not reality. Importantly: You were able to change how you felt because even though your mind knows it is just daydreaming, the brain does not know the difference. Psychologists call this ‘cognitive fusion’ – you just ‘bought into’ what your mind was telling you.

Why is Cognitive Fusion a Problem?

As demonstrated, unlike animals, humans can imagine a situation that isn’t actually happening. It can feel real. This becomes problematic when we are imagining a problem that we cannot solve because we can become preoccupied with trying to solve it. We can experience anguish, stress, frustration, or even anxiety. So, like daydreaming, even though we may know that we are not in the imagined situation, the brain doesn’t! And like how daydreaming can trigger positive emotions – by imagining a threatening situation we can trigger the brain’s threat system and experience real emotions and distress to a situation that isn’t actually happening! This is where Mindfulness skills come in handy:

Understanding Our Triggers

Because we can will feel consistent with whatever we are thinking about (‘cognitive fusion’), and because threat-based processing is part of our evolutionary survival instinct (the fight-flight-freeze response), our threat systems can be triggered VERY EASILY by what we are focusing on (e.g., thoughts, imagery, memories, predictions, emotions, sensations or ‘stories’ we tell ourselves about either ourselves or the situation). In fact, we also know that information from our brain and bodies can influence our sense of safety / threat unconsciously (i.e., via neuroception) and that this can create feedback-loops (i.e., we use our minds to narrate what may be happening in our bodies / environment, and this triggers threat which is represented in our bodies, which then feeds threat-messages into our minds, and so on…).

Nevertheless, for the sake of simplicity and to illustrate the impact of our Minds, the following examples are some of the ways our minds can trigger our threat systems. See if you can identify which are triggers for you and your threat system:

- Thinking about uncertainty or a problem that is unsolvable = AGITATION or STRESS
- Worrying that others might be judging you or thinking badly about you = ANXIETY or SHAME
- Imagining a future where something ‘bad’ will happen = ANXIETY
- Imagining situations where you will not be able to cope = HOPELESSNESS
- Imagining failure = HOPELESSNESS / FEAR, or a confrontation = ANGER, or being abandoned / alone = FEAR, DEFECTIVENESS
- Memories about the past = SADNESS, SHAME, REGRET
- Ruminating over something that makes you angry = ANGER
- Engaging in self-criticism or self-attacking (see the “Inner-Critic”) = SHAME, SELF-LOATHING, HOPELESSNESS

Many of these triggers are often present in mental health problems such as anxiety and depression (and even psychosis) – and most people do not know how to deal with what their minds are doing. But it makes sense that when we deeply care about an outcome, this can trigger our threat systems (e.g., the fear of failure). Whenever we want to achieve something there is a risk of failing and so there is forever a risk (threat) of disappointment. This triggers anxiety and can also trigger self-criticism.

What Can We Do?

If we do not have a good awareness of the difference between threats created by the mind vs what we are feeling in our body (our 5 Senses), it is probable that we are being ‘pushed around’ by whatever our mind tells us. This risks triggering our threat system, which is all about SURVIVAL! This in turn can launch us into fight, flight, or freeze!

Fight = Attack!

Flight = Avoid!

Freeze = Shutdown!

Understanding the threat system and what triggers it is an important first step in being able to begin to notice and differentiate between ‘5 senses experience’ (information coming from our 5 senses) and ‘mental experience’ (information coming from our mind).

Next, we need to develop awareness of our mind’s ability to ‘hook’ us out of the present moment and into whatever threat it is focusing on (remember – our minds are typically very busy and focus on: Memories, Predictions, Imagery, Judgments, Evaluations, Emotions, Sensations, and ‘stories’).

Then, we need to come back to the present moment using our 5 senses – What can you smell? What can you taste? What can you feel on your skin? Etc. If we have become quite stressed we may even need to work to soothe our bodies (which will contribute to having a calm mind). We can do this in many ways, but a common (and medically-researched) way to do this quickly is with slow, diaphragmatic breathing (aka soothing rhythm breathing).

All of this is an active, ongoing process that requires awareness and lots of practice. Once we aware of our habitual patterns of responding, we need to learn how to respond differently. This often requires learning new skills, such as: learning how to self-soothe (breathing), refocusing the mind onto our 5 senses (mindfulness), responding differently to what our minds are telling us (defusion), and practicing self-compassion (because after all, it’s not your fault that you have a threat system – we all do – it’s how we’re built! It’s not your fault, the experiences you have had have shaped your nervous system, but it is your responsibility to learn how to take charge).

Although the above information is exclusively about the Threat System, it is important to understand the role of our Brain’s other emotional systems, and our bodies, so that we can learn skills such as Mindfulness and Self-Compassion which can help us deactivate the threat system by cultivating a sense of calm safety in our nervous systems. This is essentially the rationale for developing the ability to self-soothe. Although it may seem difficult at first, the good news is that these skills are things that can be learned (or a psychologist can help you learn them!).

All of this information forms part of a broader picture: Know where you are at, Know where you want to be, and know what you need to do to get yourself there. This statement in particular relates to self-regulation – knowing what ‘state’ you are in (vs what state you need to ‘be in’ in order to achieve what you want to achieve), and knowing how to do cultivate whichever state that will be most helpful to you in a particular situation.

Summary

Our brains are hard-wired for survival (think: ‘Survival of the fittest’)
Our brains are the product of thousands of years of evolution (our ancestors had good threat systems which ensured they bred and passed on their genetic material, to us!)
When triggered, our threat systems are concerned with only one thing: SURVIVAL
We can inadvertently trigger threat with our own Minds – in the absence of any real danger!
Most (99.99999%) of the time, threats get triggered by our Minds, not our 5 senses (this includes when we appraise what is happening with our 5 Senses as ‘threatening’).
This is not our fault – it’s just how our brains work!
The trick is to: Know where we are at, Know where we want to be, and know what we need to do to get ourselves there.
If we want, we can choose to soothe our threat systems using a variety of skills that work with the body (breathing, 5 Senses experiencing) and the mind (Unhooking from thoughts, contacting our Observing Self, and self-compassion).
These skills are discussed in detail in the articles I have written, below
If your mind is being constantly hijacked by real or imagined threats, then this is a signal that you may professional assistance to learn how to self-regulate and soothe your threat system so that you can free yourself from anxiety, depression, and other difficult struggles. Contact me below.

Further Resources

How to deal with negative thinking
Emotion Regulation skills: Understanding your Window of Tolerance
Learn about your Brain’s 3 Emotion Regulation Systems
Learn how Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) impact on attachment, brain development and later lifestyle and health risk factors
Learn about the physiology of self-criticism
How to deal with your inner-critic
Calm yourself quickly with Soothing Rhythm Breathing
Learn about Anxiety and Anxiety Disorders
Learn about the Mental Health Benefits of being in Nature
A list of all articles I have written

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

Towards vs Away Moves: Getting Clear on What Truly Matters to YOU

Overview

This article is essentially about how we can live a life that has more meaning and purpose, and how we can become the best version of ourselves. We can only achieve these things by getting clearer on who we truly want to be, and by increasing our awareness of (and by choosing to do) what is most important.

Not only do we need to become clearer of what is most important to us (i.e., clarifying our values, their meaning, and why these things truly matter to us), we also need to develop and draw upon problem-solving and emotion regulation skills that will help support us when challenges and setbacks arise.

We begin by discussing how ‘meaning’ and ‘purpose’ (which relate strongly to our values) are essential for guiding us through life’s challenges. Following this, a simple framework (Towards & Away Moves) is presented to help us increase our self-awareness, to assess our options, and to make more workable decisions, particularly in the face of life’s challenges.

Man’s Search for Meaning

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist who during WW2 was separated from his wife and children and was imprisoned in a Nazi death camp. As a way of protecting himself psychologically from the barbaric and dehumanizing traumas forced upon him, he used his training to document objectively the horrific experiences he witnessed and experienced (which he does in graphic detail in the book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” which has been translated to over 26 languages).

Through his observations, he stumbled across the incredible realisation that certain prisoners (who may not have been the most physically strong—including himself) were in connection with ‘something important’ that many others did not possess: They attached ‘meaning’ to their suffering and therefore had a deeper ‘reason’ to keep going.

He discovered that because of this ‘reason’ they could endure hardships with more resilience while many others appeared to give up (others often became sick and died or collapsed while working and were beaten to death).

For Viktor Frankl, he realised that this special ‘something’ was ‘HOPE’. He hoped to survive the experience of being reunited with his wife and children. He did whatever he could to keep his hope alive.

Each day, he gave meaning to his suffering by viewing every hardship, punishment, and beating as a ‘necessary’ next step to ultimately being reunited with his wife and children. Each night, while staring at the moon through the bars of his cell, he would savor and tend to his hope by imagining that his wife was also staring at the moon at that exact moment. In this way, he would cultivate feelings of warmth and connection with her.

Sadly, after the war was over and he was freed (spoiler alert), he discovered that his wife and children were murdered at their death camp several years prior. Importantly, as crushing as this was for him – he candidly shares his reflection that had he known this at the time it would have crushed his hope and he likely would not have had any reason to persist through the gruesome punishments thrust upon him as a prisoner in his Death Camp. This highlights how important it is to connect with greater meaning and purpose, no matter how difficult the challenges of your situation may feel.

Although it took him many attempts to write the book (earlier versions were seized and destroyed several times by Nazi Prison guards), Viktor Frankl wrote Man’s Search for Meaning as a memoir of his experiences, reflections and observations: Connecting with meaning can help us endure the most grueling situations and hardships. Through Meaning, we can connect to the ‘bigger picture’; a reason ‘why’ we would want to persist when life is difficult. In this way, ‘meaning’ helps focus on what we want, which organises our brains and behaviour in potent ways that direct us to what we need to do to overcome our current challenge.

Viktor Frankl’s experience shows that even when we have no choice ‘leave’ or ‘change’ a situation, we can change how we respond to that situation. His gift is the lived-experience that connecting to a greater purpose can allow us to endure even the most challenging situations and experiences.

Man’s Search for Meaning is a short book that has 2 sections: Part 1 (about 40 pages) contains the incredible observations Viktor Frankl made of himself and others about how MEANING connects us with a POWERFUL REASON to persist in the face of absolute adversity. To be truly resilient in the face of life’s challenges, being able to connect with our deeper ‘values’ around what is most important to us and who we genuinely want to be (despite all of our life’s challenges) is a HUGE protective factor. Therefore, Part 1 of this book should be on everyone’s bucket list.

Important Themes:

Meaning is essential to psychological well-being
Find meaning in your suffering
We do not pursue happiness; rather, happiness results as a side-effect of discovering ‘reasons’ to be happy
Meaning is the motivating force in any person’s life
Life asks us the meaning of life (it’s our choice); we do not ask life
No matter what happens, no one can take away the meaning we give something

Important Frankl quotes to contemplate:

“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.”

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

“Ever more people today have the means to live, but no meaning to live for.”

Two Choices We All Have: Towards & Away Moves

Many people are stuck in a pattern where they make the same choices repeatedly, even though this is not helping them move forward in important areas of their lives. Why do you think this might be?

Although there are specific reasons for getting stuck repeating specific interpersonal patterns (which I have written about here) often we all can also become stuck repeating unworkable patterns when we are in a mode of ‘autopilot’. This happens when we are not fully mindful of a) what is most important to us in a specific situation, and b) just how much the interaction between our thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations are affecting our perceived choices and our resulting behaviours. (Essentially, this requires Values-Clarification – discussed later – and Mindfulness.) As a result, we can become very reactive to the situation and can act in ways that are not in line with the person we truly wish to be.

This is because when we are on ‘autopilot’ and face a challenging situation, we are extremely susceptible to reacting to whatever our minds, our emotions, and our physical sensations are telling us (vs connecting with the ‘bigger picture’ and acting based on that which is most important to us. I.e., our values; the person we ultimately wish to be; our best version of ourself given the difficulty at hand).

There are distinct brain-based explanations for why this can be so difficult (which I have written about here and here and here). However, for now, simply understand that powerful ancient brain-systems can often lead to us acting in ways that make things worse and are therefore ultimately unworkable.

When we are on autopilot, although we may feel ‘as though’ we do not have a choice (or ‘as though’ our actions happened ‘to’ us), we will often behave in ways that are unlike the version of ourselves that we truly wish to be (e.g., we may do or say something hurtful to people we care about – or we may avoid something meaningful because on face value it is ‘hard’, or we may self-sabotage – these would be examples of ‘Away Moves’ discussed below).

Yet, even though it might not feel like it – no matter how tired, how stressed, or how angry we are at any moment – we do actually have a choice over what we do. Although we may not control a situation, even within that situation we can choose how we behave in that situation (Remember the above quote from Viktor Frankl: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”). However, although simple to understand, this is not necessarily easy, and it requires awareness, skills, and practice!

With no awareness of what is most important to us (or when we are not clear on the person we truly want to be in a particular situation) often when the going gets tough we take actions aimed at reducing, escaping, or relieving negative emotions. This may work temporarily, but ultimately it makes the situation worse because: a) there is no way to eliminate any emotion permanently; and b) because now we are moving away from the person we truly want to be (or the life that we want to create) and this can make us feel trapped, guilty, or regretful, or that life lacks purpose and meaning.

For instance, without awareness of what’s truly important, when faced with a challenging situation, we can get easily become caught up in wrestling with distressing thoughts, images, memories, or predictions. We can experience strong negative emotions that can feel so uncomfortable that we become fixated on seeking ways to avoid them. This may lead some people to avoid or escape, or act on urges to lash out at Self or others. These are all away moves: Short-term actions that function to reduce distress that ultimately pull us away from the direction that is most important to us.

Eg, If we hold the value: ‘Being a loving partner’ (but we have had a long, tiring, and frustrating day), we might temporarily lose contact with our value. It is then that we are likely to will act to reduce the momentary discomfort we are feeling (fatigue and discomfort) which may mean withdrawing from, being unsupportive towards (or even attacking) our partner. Although we may have acted to ‘turn down the volume’ on our discomfort, our actions are essentially an ‘away move’ because they pulled us away from ‘being a loving partner’.

So, whenever we are unclear about (or lack awareness of) what is truly important to us, and whenever we have strong negative emotions or become side-tracked by our what our minds / emotions are doing, often we can get caught up in a struggle with trying to reduce, avoid, or eliminate these inner experiences. Without skills to deal with what’s going on inside of us, we are likely to act in ways that pull us away from acting like the person we truly wish to be, and this can make a situation worse for either ourselves or those around us.

Towards & Away Moves

In any situation, there are only two choices we can make:

Towards Moves:

Actions that bring us closer to the person we truly want to be. These are actions that bring us closer to the people and experiences that matter most to us.

Away Moves:

Actions that pull us off-course or further away from the person we truly want to be in a situation. Away Moves are actions that will often make a situation worse.

The Price of Admission to a Meaningful Life

In any situation, either we are ‘moving towards’ or we are ‘moving away’. It might not be that we want to move away from what is most important to us (or that we want to behave unlike the best version of ourselves). Rather, by acting in ways to reduce or avoid the distress or discomfort with challenging situations, emotions, or thoughts (which is understandable to want to do), we unfortunately simultaneously close off the Towards Move option. ‘towards moves’ (doing what truly matters) will often stir up challenging emotions, thoughts, urges, and feelings (e.g., feeling frustrated, fearful, or awkward). If we cannot be a container for these inner experiences, we will ultimately seek to turn the volume on them down, which also unfortunately means we cannot keep moving in the direction that matters the most to us.

Within any situation, either we are making a towards move or we are not. Either we are behaving as the best version of ourself, or we are not. Unfortunately, there is no way to not choose. If we do not want to choose (which is perfectly OK), we need to realize that by not choosing, often we are inadvertently choosing ‘away’ (until we choose ‘towards’).

Realize, however, that this is in constant flow and that it is not ‘black and white’. We all make away moves from time to time (and that’s OK). What is important is how we address this and what we do about it. Also, sometimes we may make what looks like an away move in one situation, so that we can make a towards move in some other situation that is more important to us.

For instance, putting an important decision off—if (say) because we are tired and need to think about it when feeling rested and clear-headed, or because we need more information to decide—isn’t necessarily an away move. But, getting fixated on ensuring certainty in decision-making, or getting fixated on making ‘the best’ choice if that holds us back and impedes us moving forward (or missing out) may be an away move.

But what about painful or threatening thoughts and/or complex feelings?

Away Moves in Anxiety

People experiencing strong anxiety invest enormous amounts of energy trying to not have anxious thoughts and feelings. Often this involves avoiding any thoughts or situations that may make their anxiety worse–eg, taking risks where one could fail, being in situations that involve uncertainty or situations that cause discomfort (like being assertive, being around people, or being intimate) … or getting stuck in thoughts about ‘what if‘…

Although this is understandable (because anxiety feels bad), the problem is that anxiety often generalizes. So (for instance) someone who may have had a car accident may avoid riding in cars. But this could then generalize to catching public transport. This anxiety could also generalize to ‘speed’, which may mean that riding a bicycle could cause high levels of anxiety (and would thus then need to be avoided). As you might imagine, this can happen easily and can cause a person to become stuck with a greater problem than the source of the original anxiety.

The effects from avoiding these experiences could be far-reaching: Fewer opportunities to socialize, to work, to engage in pleasurable activities. This could cause loneliness or depression and could even affect on our chances of meeting a life partner and creating a loving relationship. In other words, the long-term outcome of avoidance is that we may forego a meaningful life for the sake of comfort.

Although it may make sense to avoid things that make us feel anxious, if we build our life around avoidance the cost (to us) is that we will experience an ever-shrinking window of tolerance which will mean that what we ‘can’ do (according to our anxiety) will become smaller and smaller, until we are struggling to live a rich and meaningful life.

Given that anxiety can generalize – the list of potential triggers could grow and could be potentially endless! However, what people rarely realise is that what is being avoided is not the activities per se, but the thoughts or feelings that become triggered by those activities. The problem with using avoidance as a coping strategy for reducing anxiety is that our options become narrower and narrower. The more we avoid, the more things actually seem to trigger anxiety. Now we are doing less, but the anxiety remains. We may end up trapped in a self-created prison.

Away Moves in Depression

What about depression? It’s common–and normal–for people struggling with feelings of low mood to report agitation, fatigue, low energy, self-criticism, and a reduction in pleasure for practically everything. Depression can be terrible! And it understandably also robs us of our motivation.

Yet, a common trap people experiencing low mood fall into is one of ‘affective forecasting’ – incorrectly predicting that something in the future will not be good because we do not feel good right now (eg, “I feel down therefore I can’t go anywhere or do anything because I won’t enjoy it” or “I just don’t feel like it”).

This leads to us to miss out on having new experiences while doing nothing to improve our mood. Worse, we may feel worse because nothing has changed, we may even feel guilty or ashamed about not showing up, or we may feel angry at ourselves for missing out on yet another opportunity to do something different. This can lead to feeling depressed about being depressed.

However, even when having a really difficult time, it is still possible to connect with what is truly important and to take small actions in that direction – even if you are having negative thoughts or feelings or are struggling with feelings of low motivation (and we all will at some stage).

Goals & Towards Moves

Emotions vs Behaviours

Often people turn to their emotions (or ‘feelings’) as a measure of how capable they are (or are not) able to take action (e.g., “I don’t feel like I can” or “I feel awkward, therefore I can’t”). This is a trap.

Unlike behaviour, which is something we can choose to either do or not do, the problem with valuing an emotion – or making it a goal – is that an emotion is not something we can choose to ‘do’. (To prove this – think about how successful you have ever been eliminating all unwanted emotions from your life, forever…?).

An emotion cannot ’cause’ us to do something – it is simply an experience that we feel in our mind and bodies. As pictured below, we know different emotions can activate a distinct set of body parts:

The above image is from a study of 701 people who were asked to show the body locations where they feel basic emotions (top row) and more complex ones (bottom row). Warm colours (Red-Yellow) represent regions that people commonly report are stimulated when they experience a particular emotion. Cooler colours (i.e., Blue-White) indicate areas of deactivation. Neutral (no emotion) is represented by the absence of colour (i.e., Black).

It may seem obvious, but feelings are not actions (i.e., emotions are not behaviour). Emotions feel powerful because they can create urges that appear to motivate us to act (or to avoid). This is especially true whenever are not being skillful in handling powerful emotions. The following is true of us all: When we are outside of our own window of tolerance, we will have fewer choices in how we respond.

One problem with relying on our emotions like a ‘compass’ is that feelings are transient (and often unpredictable) experiences that are highly influenced by momentary internal and external factors (e.g., ever been so hungry you become angry, or ‘hangry’? Or have you ever been so sleep-deprived that you became highly frustrated or overwhelmed ?).

Using our emotions like a ‘compass’ for what we can (or cannot) do can also become a trap because it may lead to us to connect with how much (or little) we feel like doing something – or it may lead us to want to avoid feeling our feelings (which is common across most mental health difficulties).

Second, although ‘good feelings’ feel ‘good’, they are not necessarily helpful to embrace as our ‘purpose’ for several reasons. Although most of us prefer pleasure over pain, we have very little choice over which feeling we are going to experience moment-to-moment. In fact, we have dozens of emotions each day (many of which happen as a reaction to our situation). Yet, we are more likely to respond to threats, challenges and setbacks with threat-based emotions and internal experiences of discomfort or aversion (because this is how our brains are wired). Thus, it could be said that “choosing to tolerate discomfort” while on our path is more likely to result in success, because discomfort is inevitable ‘sometimes’ AND because we do not get to choose how we feel.

Although we have little choice over our emotions, we do have choice over our actions (which include how we respond to our emotions). When we connect with what is most meaningful to us, we are empowered with the option to either take actions that will bring us towards (closer to) or away (further from) the outcome we most deeply desire.

Although most of us are averse to discomfort (we prefer pleasure over pain), when we become willing to tolerate discomfort as we move towards a chosen path, we can open ourselves up to being able to feel any emotion in the pursuit of a desired outcome. This is an empowering position to take regarding our emotions because even though we cannot stop negative emotions, they ultimately will have less influence.

Key points so far:

Emotions are the result of a complex psychological and physiological interplay that may (but not always) have motivational and/or survival value
Emotions can ‘feel’ powerful in the movement and can influence our choices if we act on them, but ultimately emotions are are not causal
Emotions are not the same as ‘actions’ (eg ‘anger’ is not the same as the action of slapping someone in the face).
Although we do not get to choose our emotions, we can learn to choose how we respond.
Choosing to “tolerate discomfort” while on our path is more likely to result in success, because discomfort is inevitable, ‘sometimes’.

Working with Behaviour: Focus on what you ‘do’ (NOT feel)

It is possible to work towards cultivating more positive feelings. It is also possible to increase our capacity to handle challenging emotions AND to develop more helpful responses to ourselves during such times (eg, by engaging in Self-Care behaviours such as Self-Compassion practices). In this way we will increase our overall Window of Tolerance to handling all kinds of stress. However, we can not eliminate all negative emotions as all emotional experiences are hardwired into our architecture and emotions (positive and negative) can have useful guiding functions (when they are in proportion).

People often forget this when they define ‘happiness’ as “freedom from negative emotions”. Often, people pursue this (emotional) idea of happiness as a way of life. Eg, “I will be happy when I no longer feel …”. Yet, this approach comes at a cost (because avoiding negative emotions is impossible).

Making “freedom from negative emotions” a life goal will easily frustrate us, because it is an impossible goal to achieve. Thus, we will essentially be constantly failing and we know that failure triggers negative emotions such as threat (!).

A more helpful approach would be to: a) decide on a meaningful direction; to b) determine that actions that will take us towards this direction in behavioural terms (remember: a behaviour is not an emotion, it is something we can do or can choose to not do); to c) determine what emotions we may need to tolerate (and what skills we could use to help ourselves with this process); while d) remembering that emotions (good and bad) are part of life because they are inside us (i.e., ‘everywhere we go, we take the weather’).

It is important to keep in mind that we have dozens of emotions each day and we do not have any choice over what feeling we are going to experience next. Taking actions based on our values is bigger than how we may feel moment-to-moment. Think back to the book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ by Viktor Frankl who focused on Meaning not emotions (clearly he would have had mostly negative emotions every day). Focusing on moving towards meaning (Towards moves) vs. trying to get away from negative emotions allowed him to persist in getting through his difficult situation.

Powerful emotions can cloud our judgment. This is not our fault (it is how the human brain evolved), but it is our responsibility to manage. When flooded by powerful emotions, may find it very difficult to act in ways that we normally might. For example, when experiencing significant emotional distress, it can be tempting to do things that are unhelpful (e.g., we may become angry at at ourselves or others). These are away moves.

Yet, during these times, by simply realising that we are experiencing a difficulty and reminding ourselves that we want to help ourselves can be helpful. Although we might not expect ‘big things’ from ourselves when we are struggling, even something as small as ‘Self-Care’ would be helpful (vs harmful). And this may be all that we can do. (This is still a Towards Move because we have not made things worse).

Again, some people view discomfort as the price of admission to living a meaningful life. In this way, learning how to be more comfortable with discomfort is a way forward (learning how to help yourself through tough times is a towards move)!

In this way, Self-care is an example of a towards move. There are multiple pages on this website that offer information and tools we can use to engage in Self Care (links are at the bottom of this page). One of the simplest ways we can engage in self-care is to attend to and engage in soothing breathing.

Although it may not ‘feel’ like we are achieving all that much, by simply being with ourselves because discomfort is difficult, we are ultimately not making it worse. Even though we may feel terrible, by not making things worse, we are essentially helping to make them better (and we know that no matter how small, the benefits of small consistent efforts add up, as pictured below).

Values in Relationships

A fantastic practical example of what being clear on your values can look like in in the context of healthy (mutually Attachment secure) adult relationships is clearly evident in the (now) infamous “A Credo for My Relationships With Others“ by Clinical Psychologist Dr. Thomas Gordon. While you are always free to choose your own values, as you read through this Credo, I invite you to reflect upon whether you are achieving something like this within your important primary relationships (and if you are, reflect inwards about whether your are achieving this same harmony and respect internally – between the competing internal aspects of your Self):

A CREDO FOR MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS

You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. Yet each of us is a separate person with our own unique values and needs and the right to meet those needs.

So that we will better know and understand what each of us values and needs, let us always be open and honest in our communication.

When you are having problems meeting your needs, I will listen with genuine acceptance and understanding so as to facilitate your finding your own solutions instead of depending on mine. And I want you to be a listener for me when I need to find solutions to my problems.

At those times when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly and honestly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, when some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will tell me openly and honestly so I can try to change my behavior.

And when we experience conflicts in our relationship, let us agree to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power to win at the expense of the other’s losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine—neither will lose, both will win.

In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love and peace.

Dr. Thomas Gordon, 1978

Why S.M.A.R.T goals are ‘DUMB’

While we are talking about ‘towards moves’, it is important to discuss goal setting. You may have heard of ‘SMART Goals’ (?) – If not, ‘S.M.A.R.T’ is basically an acronym that is commonly promoted as ‘the holy grail’ for guiding goal setting. Although there are variations on the acronym, S.M.A.R.T Goals refers to the concept that in order to be ‘effective’ we (‘should’) always select goals that are:

Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Realistic
Time-related

Although the SMART goals framework can be useful for goal setting in the workplace, it could be argued that when we constantly pursue goals that are not tied to our deeper values (i.e., actions that resonate with our own personal meaning and purpose), our lives will ultimately feel lacking in some way.

This is because without a connection to deeper meaning or purpose (i.e., the things that you truly value), pursuing goals that do not truly matter can make the benefits of achieving them seem redundant. Signals that this is happening may include: Life is feels repetitive, bland, shallow, robotic, or meaningless. We may also lack motivation and/or we may feel like ‘giving up’ when difficulties inevitably arise.

We know that Depression and many other mental health difficulties share a common side effect of being disconnected from meaning (in fact, for Depression, often a lack of meaning can be a major contributing factor in low mood and existential dilemmas). Similarly, burnout can result from the relentless pursuit of achievement that can often become disconnected from deeper meaning (e.g., rigid rule-following behaviours such as completing long lists of tasks that rarely have much meaning for the sake of crossing them off a list vs pursuing a life filled with balance, connection, and Self-Care). So, SMART Goals that are not aligned with your deeper values are ‘dumb’.

Before setting SMART Goals: Clarify what is most important to you (your values – what truly matters). Sometimes, this may begin with identifying what you don’t want. That’s OK (!) – This may be necessary to help you clarify the ‘WHY?’ – Why you would ever want to persist with a particular action ? (this step is very important for when challenges and difficulties arise, because they will, because life can be challenging).

Once you know ‘WHY’, then identify the ‘WHAT’: What will you need be willing to tolerate as you pursue the goal? (e.g., frustration, impatience, setbacks, failure). You can THEN plan how you might respond to each of these difficulties. Remember: Goals that are not chosen with these factors in mind are often either abandoned when the going gets tough, or become aversive and draining of valuable motivation and energy for living (yes—even SMART GOALS).

Once you know all these things, you may wish to make use of the ‘SMART goals’ acronym. However, remember this: Pursuing goals that are not important to you is unlikely to be a source of deep fulfilment, irrespective of whether you use the SMART Framework. Connect with meaning by clarifying your values, and link your goals to that deeper purpose (then apply the SMART framework!).

“Those who have a ‘why’ … can bear with almost any ‘how’.”

Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

Towards Moves: How To?

First, we need awareness. This is not always an easy. This means having an awareness of our thoughts—which includes not only thoughts but beliefs, the ‘stories’ our minds tell us, threatening images, painful memories, and our mind’s unhelpful predictions.

It also means having an awareness of our needs and our emotions– which includes ‘needs’ for comfort, safety, connection, love and acceptance; and difficult emotions such as fear, anger, pain, and sadness. Finally, it requires an awareness of difficult physical sensations – such as tension, physical stress, or discomfort, and urges to reduce this tension/discomfort by reacting in unhelpful ways that are the opposite to how we truly want to act.

Mindfulness can help us develop this awareness. Mindfulness means observing—our inner experiences and the world around us non-judgementally—that is, without reacting with evaluations (eg ‘this is good’ or ‘this is bad’). Mindfulness also helps to develop self-compassion and compassion for others, which can be tricky for certa in people. Mindfulness can also help us develop an awareness of how our thoughts and emotions can feed off each other and become amplified like a negative feedback loop. When this happens, it can seem like we have no choice.

In order to make more Towards Moves, we also need to get clearer on what we want in terms of the ‘bigger picture’. This means getting clear on what is truly important—figuring out what matters to you the most in terms of people you care about and the person you truly want to be. This is deeply personal – it is about what you value most (not what society tells us to value); that which is most meaningful to you.

You also need an awareness of how you are making away moves. It can help to talk about this with someone who you trust – someone with whom you feel safe and respected. It can also help to work with a Clinical Psychologist that knows how to do values-clarification. Not all psychologists know how to do this. A practitioner who is trained in delivering Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (pronounced ‘ACT’ as in taking action) is someone who can guide you through this process. You can read more about ACT here.

Finally, in order to make more ‘towards moves’, we also need to develop skills in dealing with difficult thoughts, emotions, physical urges and sensations. These are bound to ‘show up’ as we step into the unknown and move towards the things that we deeply care about. Often, these ‘skills’ are very specific – they are not things we can read about on a screen or a page. These skills are best learned in therapy, because therapy can guide us to attend to areas that we cannot see clearly for ourselves.

Help Me Choose

Naturally, we can learn mindfulness and get clearer about what we value most – including becoming more aware of the person we truly want to be (our values) and increasing our awareness of the ‘away moves’ that keep holding us back. We can read books and websites to develop skills with dealing with the difficult thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that are likely to arise as we move towards what’s truly important. You can do this on your own, but it is much easier to do this with help.

Because “discomfort is the price of admission to living a meaningful life”, and because discomfort is inevitably going to arise whenever you take steps towards something that is deeply important to you, learning about how to handle discomfort is essential. A Clinical Psychologist trained in Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) can present these things in a way that makes sense and is tailored to your own unique situation.

A clinical psychologist trained in ACT can present these things to you in a way that is tailored to your own unique situation and history. They can also help you get clearer on why you are get stuck and react the way that you do. They can help you determine what is truly important (to you). They can teach you mindfulness skills, and they can help you become skilled in developing ways of responding differently to difficult thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations (eg, urges) so that you can meet the demands of the situation in ways that are truly workable in terms of your needs and the person you truly want to be. This includes helping you clarify what is most important to you (values clarification), and helping you to develop new ways of responding to the mind and its inner dialogue, including: thoughts, beliefs, ‘stories’ we tell ourselves, images, memories, predictions; strong difficult feelings – emotions such as fear, anger, pain, sadness; and difficult physical sensations – urges. The good news is that these are all skills that can be learned.

If you want help to clarify your values so that you can make more towards moves and become the best version of yourself that you can be, then let’s talk. I can help you to get clear on what you value, and can help you create a life rich with meaning and purpose. I can also help you identify and break unworkable patterns by teaching you new ways of responding to negative thoughts, uncomfortable feelings, and strong physical sensations (such as tension or urges to avoid or react).

Knowing these things will allow you to respond to demands of challenging situations in improved ways that are workable in terms of your needs, the people you care about the most, and the version of yourself that you ultimately want to be.

Further Resources

Learn about common difficulties in learning Mindfulness
Understand your Window of Tolerance
Deal with negative thinking
Your Brain’s 3 Emotion Regulation Systems
Dealing with your inner-critic
Discover the Fears, Blocks, & Resistances to Self-Compassion
How your Attachment Style influences your emotion regulation and your relationships
View a list of all articles that I have written

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

Common Obstacles in Learning Mindfulness

Overview

Regular practice of Mindfulness skills can lead to more self-awareness and less ‘reactivity’. Mindful awareness will improve your ability to self-regulate which will give you more choice over how you respond when faced with difficult situations. However, when beginning to learn Mindfulness there are some obstacles people commonly encounter. With some understanding and planning, you can reduce the potential frustrations you may experience. This page will address the common obstacles so that you persist and go on to reap the full benefits of continued practice. (To learn more about what Mindfulness is, click here).

Common Questions

Do I need to Meditate? No – you do not need to Meditate to practice Mindfulness! You can practice being mindful with your eyes closed or open – eyes open is (after all) the ultimate goal, isn’t it?

Although mediation is very helpful, most people do not have the time nor the commitment to start meditating – and even if you are someone who does meditate, you STILL need to practice being Mindful with your eyes open… (!).

Eyes closed (i.e., ‘formal’ practices) simply help you focus in on what it is that you need to be doing. But the most important part of any Mindfulness practice is to be able to do it in real-time with your eyes open so you can live your life more freely with less reactivity.

Do I need to be ‘Buddhist’ or ‘Spiritual’? No – you do not need to take up any kind of spiritual path in order to increase your Mindful awareness.

Remember: All Mindfulness means is being aware of things as they are happening without judgement. The purpose of developing the skill of being mindful is to increase your ability to notice your thoughts, your emotions, and your physical sensations, so that YOU can decide how you want to react (vs being unaware of how your mind and body are influencing you and then being at the mercy of whatever your mind / body are reacting to!).

Obstacles

“My mind keeps having thoughts – I just can’t do it!”

The most common misunderstanding about practising Mindfulness is that you must stop having thoughts. But if you’ve ever tried a Mindfulness exercise, you will quickly notice that this is completely impossible!

If you are struggling with trying to ‘stop’ your mind having thoughts – this suggests to you do not fully understand the purpose Mindfulness. So – here is some helpful info:…

Mindfulness of thoughts means being aware of your mind having a thought, rather than you responding to the thought. Thoughts are not commandments – they are simply mental events related to having a mind (just like blinking is a physical event related to having eyes). In the same way as you can notice the blinking that your eyes are doing – you can notice the thoughts that your mind is doing. You are not your mind and its thoughts, anymore than you are your eyes or the ‘blinks’ that your eyelids are doing.

This is very different to trying to ‘stop’ your thoughts, or telling yourself that you ‘don’t care’ or that ‘it does not matter’ what you are thinking. After all, we have over 60,000 thoughts per day – and just like you cannot stop your eye’s blinking (that’s just what eyelids do), you cannot stop your mind from thinking (that’s just what the mind does). Remember – The goal of Mindfulness is to learn to notice (vs react) to the movement in the mind – being aware of your mind having a thought rather than responding to the thought.

Although many people report a slowing of thoughts (which is pleasant when it occasionally happens), having zero thoughts during Mindfulness practice actually wouldn’t teach us anything! So it’s GREAT that you are noticing your mind’s thoughts – next step is to return to what you were doing within your Mindfulness exercise. Doing this, is like doing a ‘mindfulness push-up’!

It might be useful to imaging that your thoughts / feelings are like clouds passing in the sky (or that your thoughts / feelings are like waves on the surface of the ocean) – Mindfulness allows you to notice and have the thoughts / feelings without getting caught up in trying to change them. On the other hand, trying to ‘not’ have thoughts is about as helpful (or likely) as trying to stop bad weather!

So, when our thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations take us away from our breath (or whatever our chosen focus is within our mindfulness practice), this provides us with an opportunity to either react (which is what you normally do), or to notice and observe (if you can do this, then your skill level will become upgraded !). Each time we notice and bring our attention back to what we were doing this is like a “Mindfulness Push-Up”. With repeated practice, noticing and observing our wandering minds (vs reacting) gives us greater control over our attention and our reactivity. This is called ‘self-regulation’.

Tip: Sometimes an important idea may arise during a mindfulness practice that you may actually want to pay attention to and remember. However, trying to keep an idea in your mind can defeat the purpose of your practice. If this happens, simply write it down and return to your practice. Keeping a notepad and pen handy can reduce this disruption so you can get the most out of your practice.

“I just can’t relax”

This is a common misunderstanding because (thankfully) you do not need to feel a certain way (e.g., calm, relaxed, or peaceful) in order to be Mindful! Although it is ‘nice’ to feel calm and relaxed – and quite often people do report that practicing mindfulness skills makes them feel calm and refreshed – this is NOT actually the point of doing Mindfulness!

The point of Mindfulness is not to achieve ‘a peaceful blissful state’. Rather, the point is to be open to whatever is happening. This means understanding that if you are stressed (for example), doing mindfulness may actually make you more aware of just how stressed you are, including how that stress might be affecting you. For instance, you may deliberately choose to focus on where you feel stress in your body; you may choose to notice what your mind is ‘telling you’ about the stress (or the feelings of stress in your body); you might attend mindfully to different emotions that are arising in response to stress; or, you might choose to notice and observe the physical urges you have to ‘act’ on these thoughts / feelings, etc…

By being willing to ‘be with’ your experience rather than struggling with it and trying to push it away, Mindfulness often has a paradoxical calming effect because by letting go of the struggle to change your experience, accepting things as they are requires far less effort. This can be experienced as ‘relief’ or ‘calm’.

However, ‘calm’ or ‘peace’ is not the goal – awareness is…! This is a tricky concept at first, because being calm feels good. And often, being mindful helps you to feel calm. However, the goal of mindfulness is awareness – if you are stressed, we want to stay with that and be aware of exactly what that feels like. Paradoxically, this often will lead to calm, but ‘calm’ cannot be the goal.

Why? If you approach mindfulness with the expectation or goal of a certain emotion, it will likely backfire because what you are ultimately doing is telling yourself that whatever state you are in is ‘unacceptable’. That is, the function of your behaviour in practicing Mindfulness is to avoid, push away, or get rid of a certain emotion. Understand that avoidance is the opposite of being open to what is, and represents a struggle with accepting things as they are. Struggling is resistance and this is the opposite of Mindfulness. Remember: Suffering = Pain x Resistance. (This concept is discussed in more detail on this page.)

Low Motivation

Most people try to start with too much – 20 minutes or more – which can seem like a long time! However, it is the quality of how you are practicing that is important – how focused you are – not the amount of time that you are practicing.

Your Mindfulness practice need not take long – Even 3-5 minutes a day can make a noticeable difference over the space of just one week! You can always increase this if you want to as you get more familiar with the process. It is also easier (and better) to practice briefly, several times a day, than to cram it all into one session and forget about being mindful until the next day.

As discussed above, there are ‘formal’ (eyes closed) and ‘informal’ (eyes open) ways to develop and practice your Mindfulness skills. The ultimate goal is to be able to be mindful with your eyes open, so you can use it in practical ways in your life. You can do this effortlessly (eyes open) by checking in with your 5 senses for a few seconds at various points throughout the day.

Here are some suggestions to get you started:

‘What are 3 things I can smell right now?’ or

‘What can I hear inside vs outside of this room?’ or

‘What can I feel in my body right now?’ or

‘Can I notice all the points of contact between my body and the chair?” or

“Can I notice the feeling of my feet on the floor?’

Forgetting

One of the most common obstacles is simply not remembering to practice. It can be helpful to pre-plan a set time every day to practice, so that it becomes part of your routine. The best time to practice is the morning time, or early in the day when you are most alert. This will set you up for the rest of the day in terms of orienting your mind to ‘what mindfulness is’, which gives you something that you can return to rapidly later in the day.

As mentioned above, you can practice Mindfulness with your eyes open – this means you can take it anywhere! Work on setting yourself a prompt, or making it part of what you’re doing. E.g. While waiting at the traffic lights – “Can I notice three things I can smell?”, or contact between your feet and the floor, or the sun on your skin, or the sounds inside and outside of the car.

Some people like to set ‘mindfulness reminder’ alarms to prompt them to ‘check-in’ on a specific sense and ‘notice mindfully’ – there are smartphone apps (with mindfulness prompts) that can do this for you. For an introduction to mindfulness meditation that you can practice on your own, download the FREE UCLA Mindful App (iTunes / Google Play). On the other hand, an example of a highly-rated paid app (with a monthly fee) is Headspace which is available on iTunes and the Google Play Store. I have also prepared a comprehensive list of guided Mindfulness audio exercises, chosen for their high quality.

Acceptance vs ‘Wallowing’

Mindfulness requires being aware of things as they are – without judgement. This means accepting things as they are, without resistance. However, many people misunderstand this to mean that ‘acceptance means giving up or wallowing’. This is completely incorrect – Acceptance does not mean you like or want for things to be the way they are, it simply means that you are being honest and aware that things are the way they are, which means understanding that you might as well accept them instead of resisting what is.

Wallowing is not accepting – wallowing is a reaction driven by resistance that has a deep frustration/problem with how things really are. This this often leads to avoidance and destructive behaviours that generally make the situation worse either for one’s self or for others (aka ‘Suffering’).

Wallowing is tricky, because although someone wallowing may scream ‘I don’t care!’ what is really going on is extreme frustration because the person does actually care, else they would not be reacting in the extreme ways that they are. Wallowing causes suffering because whenever we resist our experience, we increase our suffering. Remember: Suffering = Pain x Resistance.

If you’re stuck in a pattern of wallowing, several skills in addition to Mindfulness are required, such as self-compassion, understanding your brain’s 3 emotion regulation systems, being able to regulate your physiology and to respond to what your mind is doing. There are free self-help resources to help you address the above, and I recommend working with a Clinical Psychologist who can teach you skills that will help enable you to respond to your situation more skilfully.

Summary

Learning mindfulness is an important skill that will increase our awareness and your ability to choose what you focus on vs being ‘pushed around’ by your mind or your emotions. It is the first step towards emotion regulation.
An increase in awareness is also essential if we truly want to make any meaningful change. If we cannot be fully aware of our thought patterns, our emotional experience, our behavioural reactions, and their complex interaction – then what hope have we got of changing them? In other words, without awareness, there can be no change.
Although learning mindfulness can seem frustrating at first, it can help to understand the above concepts and to utilize their corresponding strategies.
It can also help to have a teacher or a guide. You can learn mindfulness by joining a mindfulness group in your community (eg, meetups), or to take a mindfulness course where you can ask questions and learn from others.
You can learn mindfulness with the assistance of guided mindfulness audio exercises.
It can help to have the input of a clinical psychologist who can help teach you mindfulness skills in a supervised and gradual way that is engaging and is tailored to your specific situation.

A Word of Caution

For certain people such as those with high levels of anxiety, shame or self-criticism, or for people with histories of unresolved trauma, unsupervised Mindfulness is known to trigger adverse events, such as negative emotions, flashbacks, perceptual disturbances, and ‘relaxation-induced panic’. This is because Mindfulness is about becoming more aware of what our minds and bodies are doing, which may expose us to things that we have previously been avoiding.

As always, if you are struggling with high levels of self-criticism or anxiety or if you have a history of trauma, it is recommended that you seek the professional help of a Clinical Psychologist. Because these sorts of issues rarely ever resolve by themselves.

Further Resources

Learn more about Mindfulness is and why it is NOT enough
Guided Mindfulness audio exercises
Learn how to deal with negative thinking
Your Brain’s Threat System
Dealing with your Inner Critic
The Physiology of Self-Criticism
Fears, Blocks, & Resistances to Self-Compassion

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

Compassion – A brief overview

Overview

Many people misunderstand Compassion. For example, many people mistake compassion for ‘love’, ‘kindness’ or ’empathy’. Although these qualities may be involved, often they are not (!). Others mistakenly view compassion as ‘a weakness’ (when really, from both a psychological and a physiological perspective, it can be one of our biggest assets in terms of resilience and managing stress in both ourselves and others).

So then, what is compassion really about ?

Compassion means having a sensitivity to the causes of suffering (in self or others) with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it.

This is a 2-part definition: Part A) ‘sensitivity to suffering’ (meaning, to have the capacity to fully grasp the causes and impacts of one’s suffering and to be able to remain present to it vs running away from it because it is ‘too painful’ or ‘hard’), and Part B) the ‘commitment to alleviating suffering’ (meaning, being willing to do whatever is required to be of assistance).

Compassion arises in us when we witness suffering in others (or experience suffering ourselves) in a certain way that motivates a subsequent desire to help. The purpose of drawing from (or developing) Compassion is not to avoid difficulties – it is quite the opposite. Compassion is about having the courage and the strength to turn towards pain and difficulty within ourselves or for others, because this is what is needed. But, this can be tricky, and (especially with Self-Compassion) it can be easy to fall into self-defeating patterns of feeling overwhelmed, threatened, ashamed, or self-critical.

Compassion brings together many attributes ranging from awareness, empathy, and distress tolerance, to courage, a caring intention, strength and persistence. We need to employ these skills to prevent us from becoming overwhelmed. Without a good understanding of compassion and the development of these skills, we may distort or amplify what is really going and this will block helpful actions and make a situation worse.

Compassion in Practice

Most people come to therapy wanting to alleviate their suffering (i.e., to ‘make the pain stop!’). This is understandable, because pain hurts (!). However, there is often ambiguity about how much of themselves they are willing to invest in the process of self-care.

Although it makes sense that we need to stop making things worse in order for the pain to stop, this actually requires a nuanced understanding of Part A of the definition of Compassion (i.e., ‘sensitivity to the causes of suffering’). When we are insensitive to the causes of suffering, and simply want the pain to go away, we are very limited in what we can achieve. In other words, we actually need to understand and to be sensitive to the causes of the suffering before we can truly do something about it.

But, this can be hard. For instance, whenever we are insensitive to the causes of suffering, are not moved by the suffering, or do not have the distress-tolerance skills ‘be with’ suffering, we cannot truly stay present to it long enough to be helpful (even if we want the suffering to stop). For many people, this is their biggest challenge. As is discussed in several articles I have written (i.e., here, here, here, and here), difficulties in this area have a lot to do with our upbringings (including our attachment style, and what we have been taught about emotions), and our physiologies (i.e., how the mind, brain and body work).

Compassion requires us to take responsibility for our actions while simultaneously recognizing that so many factors in life are not of our choosing – so much of our lives has been determined by factors outside of ourselves (we didn’t choose our parents, our genders, our evolutionary histories, our ‘tricky brains’, the countries we were born into, the families we were born into, or our developmental or trauma histories).

Despite this, many of us still go around blaming and shaming ourselves for what we did wrong. Yet, viewed through a lens of Compassion (again, Part A of the definition: ‘sensitivity to the causes of suffering’) we can realise that while SO MUCH in our lives is not our fault or choosing, it does still remain our responsibility to do something about how we choose to act (Part B of the definition: ‘commitment to alleviating or preventing further suffering’).

Hopefully, you may begin to understand that Compassion and Self-Compassion are not simply about being soft or kind. Rather, it is about drawing upon a wise non-condemning understanding that empowers us to take charge and be accountable.

Physical and Psychological Benefits

Increased capacity to act assertively in terms of caring for ourselves and others
Increased resilience (improves our ability to handle stress, and setbacks)
Reduces our susceptibility to anxiety, depression, and other mental health difficulties
Reduced triggering of our threat system, which results in positive health benefits including reduced stress, an increase in Heart Rate Variability (HRV), and improved immune system functioning
Increases our capacity to meet our needs during difficult moments (soothing, kindness, encouragement and support, vs self-criticism)
Provides an ever-stable refuge of self-worth vs focusing on Self-Esteem (discussed below…)

Empathy & Sympathy

Although being ‘sensitive to the causes of suffering’ (Part A of the definition of Compassion) requires a variety of attributes (which includes empathy), Compassion is not simply ’empathy’ and empathy on its own is not compassion. For instance, an emphatic killer can cause someone great pain and torture – specifically because they are good at understanding other people’s feelings (!). Clearly, empathy is not compassion.

Compassion is also not sympathy (feeling ‘sorry for…’). This is because sympathy is passive. In contrast, Compassion is active because it involves both feeling AND then doing something about the feeling (eg, think of a mother or father as they cradle their sick and fevered child).

Self-Esteem vs Self-Compassion

Self-compassion offers huge benefits that self-esteem does not: Self-esteem is about being better than everyone else in order to feel good about yourself (i.e., being ‘special’ and above ‘average’). But this is a logical impossibility because if everyone is better than average, this simply shifts the average higher resulting in a never-ending cycle of competitiveness.

Acting from a place of self-esteem can lead us to putting others down, defensiveness, hostility, and overlooking our own shortcomings because these may be too painful or threatening to acknowledge. We can engage in these behaviours either consciously or unconsciously (but regardless, our actions will most likely always be perceived by others as narcissistic and insecure).

However, self-esteem’s biggest flaw is that it is only there for us when things are actually going well – but what happens when we fail? During times of failure, our self-esteem shrinks into the shadows and and our inner-critic becomes dominant to dish us up punishment (i.e., we may then feel shame, hopelessness, or even self-hatred).

As I have discussed here, this simply triggers our brain’s Threat System, which then gets in the way of us moving forward because we either self-destruct or need to engage in protective-behaviours (which can lead to undesirable consequences). Yet, Self-Compassion is the antidote (!)

Unfortunately, just like how Compassion is often poorly misunderstood, Self-Compassion is also a hugely misunderstood concept! Self-compassion is not merely self-kindness (eg, ‘just be kind to yourself’) – it is about taking responsibility for working with difficult feelings so that you are better able to deal with life’s challenges. Self-Compassion requires responsibility and courage to be present with emotional pain in one’s self or in others, and the courage to do something productive about it.

However, many people find the idea of Self-compassion highly threatening. Unfortunately, these are often the same people who experience intense shame and self-criticism. One of the most common barriers to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past. To understand why this may be, it makes sense when we appreciate how a person has learned to associate warmth, closeness, and soothing, with Threat (vs safeness).

This happens through a person’s developmental history via their early painful interpersonal or emotional experiences (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, or parental hostility, neglect or unresponsiveness). So, because self-compassion encourages a response that taps into emotions that a person has learned to associate with threat, self-compassion can in fact trigger threat!

For many of us, self-compassion is hugely difficult and triggers our threat system. For this reason, it is a response that is either avoided or is completely blocked. If this sounds familiar to you, I recommend you read about the Fears, Blocks & Resistances to Self-Compassion and related articles I have written, below.

Further Resources

The Benefits of Self-Compassion
Fears, Blocks & Resistances to Self-Compassion
Dealing with your Inner Critic
The Physiology of Self-Criticism
Understanding your Window of Tolerance
Your Brain’s Threat System
Calm yourself with Soothing Rhythm Breathing
A list of all articles that I have written

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

The Benefits of Self-Compassion

Overview

Self-compassion is one of the most important but most poorly understood concepts. Some people equate compassion with ‘kindness’ and self-compassion with being ‘soft’, ‘narcissistic’, ‘overly indulgent’, or having a ‘weakness’.

This page discusses what self-compassion is (and what it is NOT); why self-compassion is so important (including the direct benefits to you for developing more self-compassion); and, it explores the most common myths around self-compassion.

Firstly, Compassion – What’s the big deal, anyway?

To understand what self-compassion is, we first need to explore the definition (and components) of compassion. Compassion is also often misunderstood which is unfortunate because it is one of the most skillful motivations, and one of the most helpful attributes, that we can harness in psychology (!). Compassion does not simply mean ‘to be nice’ nor does it mean ‘to be empathic’. Although sometimes these things may be involved, depending on situation, they actually might not (!).

A standard definition of compassion comes from the Dalai Lama and it involves two-parts: “Sensitivity to the causes of suffering in one’s self and others” (Part A), combined with “the commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it” (Part B).

Alas, as you will see, this not always easy to do. For example, most people come to therapy very eager to “alleviate” their suffering (Part B of the above definition), but at the same time they are in fact insensitive to their own suffering (Part A). Read on, to find out why this is!

Compassion is a caring motivation that requires immense courage and an important set of inter-related motivations and skills that consist of:

Having precise and sensitive awareness of suffering (Sensitivity);
Allowing ourselves to feel moved (Sympathy); having an ability to understand what is going on from different perspectives (Empathy);
Having an ability to tolerate distress (Distress Tolerance); and,
Having a non-judgmental attitude regarding what is going on (awareness of distress without ‘adding to it’ or going to threat / protective strategies such as ‘shame about shame’, ‘anger about anger’, or ‘anxiety about anxiety’, or ‘self-criticism about self criticism’).

Compassion does not just mean ‘being kind’ – Compassion may involve coming into contact with suffering so that you can do whatever is necessary to help reduce or stop it.

eg, Imagine a mother throwing herself in front of a bus to protect her child who may have run out onto the street. She most certainly will get hurt – she may even get killed. This is not ‘kindness’ (!). Rather, this is doing whatever needs doing – an act of compassion for her child, that risks herself becoming harmed, in order to prevent suffering.

eg, During COVID-19, there was a huge shortage of medical staff available in certain cities of America. So, retired doctors and nurses were called upon to consider returning to serve the public. Many of these health workers were in the ‘golden years’ of their lives (and thus were from a hugely ‘at-risk’ and vulnerable population). Yet, many took up the opportunity to stand up courageously and ‘do something’ even knowing very well that there were risks to them and their loved ones.

eg, Imagine a firefighter rescuing a child out of a burning building. They may have children and a family of their own. But, they are skilled, and well-trained, and despite the risks, they use this knowledge courageously to ‘do something’ to help whenever they can.

These examples are not just ‘kind’ – helping an old lady with her shopping is ‘kind’. Rather, these examples capture the full definition of compassion described earlier (Part A and Part B). These examples exemplify the qualities of what compassion involves: Sensitivity, Sympathy, Empathy, Distress Tolerance, Non-Judgement.

So, again – Compassion requires: being willing to understand the nature and causes of suffering while also being willing and courageous enough to come into contact with (vs avoiding) that suffering, so that we can actually do something to eliminate or prevent further harm in the best ways that we can.

Another common misunderstanding is that compassion is ’empathy’. However, although compassion involves empathy, compassion is not simply empathy. After all, empathy in combination with other qualities can actually be a terrible thing ! (eg, emphatic killers make the most cruel killers precisely because they are empathic – they cause people great pain and torture specifically because they are good at understanding other people’s feelings!).

Another common misunderstanding is that compassion is the same as ‘sympathy’. However, compassion is not sympathy (‘feeling sorry for…’). Whereas sympathy is passive, compassion is active because it involves both choosing to feel moved by suffering in order to do something about the feeling (eg, think of a mother or father cradling a sick and fevered child – they are doing what they can, even if means coming in contact with the child’s illness).

In a nutshell, compassion is what arises when witnessing suffering that motivates a subsequent desire to help. As you will discover, Self-Compassion ALSO brings together the SAME skills as compassion, and directes them onto one’s self: (self-) awareness, empathy (towards self), distress tolerance (of emotions within one’s self), courage (to be with and help with the challenging parts of one’s self), intention (to care for one’s self), which requires much wisdom, strength and persistence.

The purpose of Self-Compassion is not simply about removing your difficulties – it is the opposite. Self-compassion means attending to suffering within one’s self (Part A) while having the intention to do something that is helpful (Part B) because that is precisely what we are needing when we are suffering.

Yet, for complex reasons related to our development (discussed later on this and in several other articles I have written), this doesn’t come naturally to many people.

What is Self-Compassion then ?

Self-Compassion means taking responsibility for our actions while recognizing that we didn’t choose so many factors in life – we didn’t choose our genders, our evolutionary histories, our ‘tricky brains’, the countries we were born into, the families we were born into, or our developmental or trauma histories – so much of our lives is determined by factors outside of ourselves.

Despite this, many of us still go around blaming and shaming ourselves for what we did wrong. Yet, when we can move towards a courageous fierce and empowered compassionate understanding, we can realize that although SO MUCH in life is not our fault, it remains our responsibility to do something about how we choose to act. So as you can see, neither compassion or self-compassion are about being soft or kind – it’s about taking charge and being accountable for our actions. This means understanding that we are suffering, and doing what we can – because THAT’S WHAT WE NEED.

Self-compassion means extending the definition of compassion above (that means, BOTH Parts of that definition – not just ‘Prat B’) to instances of perceived shame, inadequacy, failure, or any other kind of suffering such as self-criticism, or difficult inner experiences that we might be struggling with. Self-compassion motivates us to achieve our goals, cope with adversity (i.e., increased resilience), take responsibility for our actions, and noticing our needs and caring for ourselves (and others) in a sustainable ways that are workable.

Why is Self-Compassion Important?

Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us. Self-compassion results in many benefits, including reduced isolation, increased mindfulness and reduced over-identification.

Self-Compassion is the antidote to self-attacking – our “inner-critic” self-critical or self-sabotaging attitudes, reactions, and punitive feelings that can hijack our confidence or peace of mind, triggering out threat systems. This can often lead to destructive behaviors.

Self-compassion is a way to deactivate the brain’s threat system by activating its ‘safeness/soothing system‘ which works for you so that you can take responsibility and turn towards working with difficult feelings and thereby respond more effectively to life’s challenges.

Self-compassion is more beneficial to our psychological well-being than self-esteem because it is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.

Researchers have found that participants who displayed more self-compassion when talking about a relationship breakup evidenced better psychological adjustment afterwards and that this effect persisted nine months later.

Benefits of Self-Compassion: Research Findings

Strongly predictive of well-being – people who are taught to be more self-compassionate tend to become less depressed, less anxious, are less likely to suffer from excessive shame or suicidal ideation. It results in an increase in positive emotions: optimism, hope for the future.
Doesn’t have the problems of self-esteem pursuit – Self-esteem fluctuates. It is based on social comparison (you have to be better than others in order to have self-esteem) whereas self-compassion you don’t have to be better than anyone, you just have to be human. Self-esteem is not as stable as self-compassion because it is entirely dependent on achievement and it deserts you at times of failure – whereas this self-compassion is always there for you.
Linked to resilient coping – The way people treat themselves during hard times (trauma, relationship breakdowns) is a strong predictor of future mental health and emotional problems. People who practice self-compassion are kinder to themselves and bounce back faster from setbacks. Self-compassion helps you get through hard times – It’s a strength, not a weakness.
Healthier behaviours (more towards moves) – Whereas self-indulgence focuses on immediate pleasures but ultimately leads to long term harm, self-compassion involves making choices that alleviate one’s own suffering. People who are more self-compassionate make healthier and more caring choices for themselves and their futures.
More compassion for others – Because practicing self-compassion brings you in touch with your ability to meet your own needs – when you give yourself what you need, this gives you a greater pool of energy to allow you to respond sensitively to the needs of others. This also leads to less burnout when giving to others.
Better interpersonal relationships – Self-compassion leads to less selfish behavior in relationships. People who practice self-compassion are more capable of being intimate, are more giving, and are less controlling.

For someone to develop genuine compassion towards others, first he or she must have a basis upon which to cultivate compassion, and that basis is the ability to connect to one’s own feelings and to care for one’s own welfare … caring for others requires caring for oneself.” – Dalai Lama

Benefits: Self-Compassion & Motivation

After practicing self-compassion regularly, you will begin to notice that you are:

- Learning to be your inner ally (vs your inner enemy)
- No longer fearful of emotions such as fear, anxiety, or sadness
- No longer engaging in harsh self-criticism
- Experiencing more energy to care about this things that truly matter to you
- Willing to take more personal responsibility and are more motivated to repair past mistakes
- Holding high standards for yourself, but do not beat yourself up when you fail to succeed
- Less fearful of failing because you are better able (and are more willing) to support yourself to try again
- More likely to succeed because failure no longer triggers threat and self-criticsm

Myths About Self-Compassion

MYTH:

“Self-compassion will ruin my motivation because it will allow me to get away with anything”

FACT: Many people say they are reluctant to be self-compassionate because they are afraid they would let themselves get away with anything. eg, “I feel bad today so I’ll just be nice to myself and stay home and watch TV, and eat a bucket of ice-cream.”

However, this is self-indulgence NOT self-compassion. The key to understanding the difference is that self-indulgence is focused on giving one’s self short-term pleasures – such as taking drugs, over-eating, being a couch potato, or allowing yourself to over react to strong emotions in ways that can often make a situation worse.

In contrast, being compassionate to oneself means that you understand the source of your current suffering and all that that entails, but that you genuinely also want to be happy and healthy in the long term. Clearly, this easy to talk about and much harder in practice – because in many cases, giving yourself health and lasting happiness in the future often involves a certain amount of displeasure in the present moment (such as quitting smoking, dieting, exercising).

MYTH:

“Self-compassion will mean I won’t care about my mistakes !”

FACT: No – Self-compassion is NOT about letting yourself get away with your mistakes. It is an active process that involves personal responsibility – but without resorting to being punitive. Self-compassion acknowledges the truth that we are all imperfect beings who are impacted by things over which we have no control — our genes, early family history, culture, life circumstances. From this standpoint, self-compassion can be understanding and supportive, rather than punitive, shaming, and destructive.

Because compassion is intrinsically concerned with the alleviation of suffering — that of our own and also that of others – this means that self-compassion spurs us to take greater responsibility to acknowledge and correct our mistakes.

Rather than using guilt, shame, or the inner-critic as a source of motivation, self-compassion allows us to turn toward and face the difficult feelings that arise when considering our own mistakes and misdeeds, meaning that we can see ourselves more clearly, so that we can do what is needed to make things better.

MYTH:

“Self-Compassion will lead me to wallow in self-pity”

FACT: Self-Compassion is NOT self-pity (Self-pity is egocentric and self-centred). Self-pity results in responding to setbacks with self-condemnation and over-identification.

Self-pity tends to emphasize egocentric feelings of separation from others (isolation) and exaggerates the extent of personal suffering (“I’m the ONLY person who this thing has happened to”… “My problem is the worst thing in the world”).

When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and forget that others have similar problems (“I feel so alone…”). Self-pitying often causes individuals to become carried away with and wrapped up in their own emotional dramas. They cannot step back from their situation (i.e., over-identification) and adopt a more balanced or objective perspective.

Self-Pity can also lead to self-hatred which is really just a move made by your inner-critic to motivate you to take action by causing your pain, shame, or guilt. Look out for the inner-critic – don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up – this causes more stress. Understand how your inner-critic behaves, and learn to respond to yourself in a more supportive way.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows one to see the related experiences of self and other without these feelings of isolation and disconnection. By taking the perspective of a compassionate other towards oneself, more “mental space” is provided to recognize the broader human context of one’s experience and to put things in greater perspective. (“Yes it is very difficult what I’m going through right now, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering. Perhaps this isn’t worth getting quite so upset about…”)

MYTH:

“Self-Compassion is a weakness”

FACT: One of the biggest myths about self-compassion is that it is a ‘weakness’ or that it means ‘feeling sorry for’ yourself. On the contrary – Self-compassion is that antidote to shame, self-pity and the tendency to sulk about our bad luck because it makes us more willing to accept, experience, and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness—this paradoxically helps us process and let go of difficult feelings more fully.

MYTH:

“Self-compassion is self-centred or narcissistic”

FACT: People are often very hard on themselves when they notice something they want to change because they think they can shame themselves into action – the self-flagellation approach. As discussed in detail in several other posts (see the ‘inner critic’ and the brain’s threat system) this can trigger the threat system (stress/anxiety). For some people, this can become so overwhelming that it can lead to failure, hopelessness, and even self-hatred and depression.

This approach can also backfire if you cannot face difficult truths about yourself because you are so afraid of hating yourself if you do. Thus, weaknesses may remain unacknowledged in an unconscious attempt to avoid self-criticism.

In contrast, the care intrinsic to self-compassion provides the safety needed to see the self clearly without fear of self-condemnation, and this is a powerful motivating force for growth and change.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

This is a huge topic! It takes time – But, like mindfulness, self-compassion is a set of practical skills which easier to learn with some sort of guidance – eg, guided audio exercises, a therapist, or perhaps an 8 week course.

Like any new way of relating to yourself, often it can feel a little awkward and clunky at first. Remember – the goal of practicing self-compassion is to become a better support person to yourself. HOW you do this, depends on what works for you. This will depend on your emotional development which is (in part) determined by your early Attachment experiences and your Window of Tolerance (I recommend reading both of those articles).

In general, during the heat of the moment – that is during, not after it – you need to remind yourself of the components of self-compassion: Be mindful that you are having a tough time; remember that you are not alone in this struggle and that this is part of life (“this experience is part of being human”), and bring a sense of kindness to yourself with your self-talk using language that works for you.

Being kind to one’s self may at first seem like a very foreign concept. After all, it is often much easier to be caring and understanding of other’s mistakes or shortcomings than our own.

Barriers to Self-Compassion: Fears, Block & Resistances

Unfortunately, for many people, the idea of engaging in self-compassion, triggers threat. This is because one of the most common barriers to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past. Thus, for many people self-compassion is not even an ‘option’ that they are aware of – it is often completely blocked, hugely misunderstood or overlooked, or highly underutilized.

For example, due to our developmental histories (our attachment wounds), or painful emotional or interpersonal experiences (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, parental hostility, neglect or unresponsiveness), some people have learned to associate warmth, closeness, and soothing, with THREAT– not safeness. Given that self-compassion encourages a response that taps into some of these emotions, Self-Compassion can also sometimes trigger threat!

If this is the case, you may find it hard experiencing positive emotions towards yourself and you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.

Therapy will be most helpful, if it aims to help you develop the specific skills that you missed out on learning due to your upbringing – Skills that you need that can assist you with ‘being with’ the difficult parts of yourself so that you can soothe yourself when distressed and turn towards your pain and give yourself what you need. To do this well, first, you will need to understand your own specific fears, blocks and resistances that you may have towards the different parts of yourself (and their emotions), and the fears, blocks, and resistances that you may have around meeting your needs through engaging in self-care and acts of self-compassion. If interested, you can read more about these fears, blocks, and resistances, here.

Summary:

Self-criticism is common across all mental health difficulties and has very powerful effects on your emotions, your brain, and your physiology.
Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us.
The most common barrier to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past such as parental rejection, hostility, neglect and unresponsiveness.
For these reasons you may find it hard experiencing positive emotions towards yourself and you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.
Look out for the inner-critic – don’t ‘beat yourself up’, for beating yourself up. Understand what the inner-critic is and what it can do to you, and learn to respond to yourself in a more supportive way.
Becoming a better support person for yourself means fully understanding and working with all of your resistances to self-compassion. This will better allow you to connect with the parts of yourself that actually can be wise and caring, despite your inner struggles and difficulties. In this way, you will be better equipped to support yourself through life’s challenges (i.e., you will become more skilful, more supportive, more accepting, more encouraging and therefore ultimately more resilient).

Further Resources

Fears, Blocks & Resistances to Self-Compassion
How childhood attachment experiences affect you and your relationships

The impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) on brain, body & behavior
Emotion Regulation skills: Understanding your Window of Tolerance
Your Brain’s Threat System
The Physiology of Self-Criticism
Dealing with your Inner Critic
Learn to self-regulate via Soothing Rhythm Breathing
View all Self-Help articles I have written

Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) exercises

Here is a collection of 10 Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) exercises by Professor Paul Gilbert, the creator of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). Paul Gilbert has been knighted Order of the British Empire (OBE) for his life’s contribution to the Psychology profession.
Here are audio exercises from the Centre for Compassion Focused Therapy & Mindfulness Focused CBT (New York)
Also be sure to check out Dr Kristin Neff’s self-compassion guided meditations & exercises and her 6 hour program “Self-Compassion Step by Step” (available for free via a 2 month Amazon Audible subscription).

Self-Compassion Books:

Depression, Self-Criticism, Difficult Emotions:

Neff, K. (2013). Self-Compassion Step by Step. Audio Program / Audiobook. Available here

Neff, K. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook : A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive.*

*Also has companion website with guided audio exercises: here.

Germer, C. (2009). The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself From Destructive Thoughts & Emotions. Guilford Press

Neff. (2011). Self-Compassion: Stop Beating yourself up and Leave Insecurity Behind. Hodder & Stoughton.

Irons, C. (2019). The Compassionate Mind Approach to Difficult Emotions : Using Compassion Focused Therapy. London: Little Brown Book Group.

Irons, C. & Beaumont, E. (2017). The Compassion-Mind Workbook. A step-by-step guide to developing your compassionate self. Little, Brown Book Group.

Gilbert, P. (2010). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges*

*Also available as an audiobook: here

You can also search for other compassion-related books, audiobooks & kindle, via large online stores such as Amazon or Bookdepository.

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

Towards moves

Your Brain’s Threat System

Overview

Understanding the Threat System: The Amygdala

Sources of Threat (The Mind vs Our 5 Senses)

Why is making this distinction important?

How does this happen? (Getting ‘hooked’, aka Cognitive Fusion)

Why is Cognitive Fusion a Problem?

Understanding Our Triggers

What Can We Do?

Summary

Further Resources

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

Towards vs Away Moves: Getting Clear on What Truly Matters to YOU

Overview

Man’s Search for Meaning

Important Themes:

Important Frankl quotes to contemplate:

Two Choices We All Have: Towards & Away Moves

Towards & Away Moves

In any situation, there are only two choices we can make:

Towards Moves:

Actions that bring us closer to the person we truly want to be. These are actions that bring us closer to the people and experiences that matter most to us.

Away Moves:

Actions that pull us off-course or further away from the person we truly want to be in a situation. Away Moves are actions that will often make a situation worse.

The Price of Admission to a Meaningful Life

Away Moves in Anxiety

Away Moves in Depression

Goals & Towards Moves

Emotions vs Behaviours

Key points so far:

Working with Behaviour: Focus on what you ‘do’ (NOT feel)

Values in Relationships

Why S.M.A.R.T goals are ‘DUMB’

Specific

Measurable

Achievable

Realistic

Time-related

“Those who have a ‘why’ … can bear with almost any ‘how’.”

Towards Moves: How To?

Help Me Choose

Further Resources

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

Common Obstacles in Learning Mindfulness

Overview

Common Questions

Obstacles

“I just can’t relax”

Low Motivation

Forgetting

Acceptance vs ‘Wallowing’

Summary

A Word of Caution

Further Resources

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

Compassion – A brief overview

Overview

Compassion means having a sensitivity to the causes of suffering (in self or others) with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it.

Compassion in Practice

Physical and Psychological Benefits

Empathy & Sympathy

Self-Esteem vs Self-Compassion

Further Resources

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

About Me:

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

The Benefits of Self-Compassion

Overview

Firstly, Compassion – What’s the big deal, anyway?