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Your Brain’s 3 Emotion Regulation Systems

emotional brain

 

 

Overview

Evolution is a powerful force that continues to shape and develop our bodies and brains. Indeed, the human brain has evolved in clever ways that have given us cognitive abilities that no other species has. For instance, the human mind is capable of overcoming hugely complex challenges in the physical world. However, unlike other animals, our evolution has led us to inherit a (partially) flawed system: We are stuck with a brain that we did not design and this inherited ‘evolved’ brain is capable of creating intensely negative and reactive emotions that many of us find very difficult to understand or manage. Worse, this often contributes to us reacting in ways we do not necessarily want and we may even direct these intense negative emotions at ourselves (!).

We can become triggered by unwanted anxieties about the future, we can be haunted by pains of our past (making them feel as though the past is happening again NOW), and we can attack ourselves with our ‘inner-critics’. We can become distracted by greed (at the expense of us being the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be), and we can become fixated on the unrelenting pursuit of goals that do not truly matter (in an attempt to avoid aspects of ourselves that we to not want to acknowledge). All of these can lead us to behave in unworkable ways that may make situations worse for ourselves or others (!). 

On this page you will learn about how our minds are wired, and why we do many of the things that we do, and how mental health difficulties emerge and are maintained. You will then be well-placed to learn ways to soothe your Threat and Drive systems and generate a sense of calm, comfort, peace and resilience, so that you can be more free to choose how you respond to challenging emotions (such as anger, fear, pain, disappointment, sadness, and loneliness), difficult internal experiences (e.g., painful memories, negative predictions, anxiety-based imagery, or harsh judgements and self-criticism), and any other situation that you may find personally challenging. 

Although the information on this page is specific to the brain’s 3 emotion regulation systems, there are also many important individual factors that contribute to how these systems function (and how challenging it may be for an individual to regulate these systems). Importantly, we find that the common fears, blocks, and resistances that individuals often have around helping themselves work through difficult emotional experiences, are directly related to these developmental factors.

In particular, we know that the quality of the attachment bond between an infant and primary care giver shapes brain development and contributes to a person’s emotional regulation capacities (and this in turn influences relationship difficulties that they may encounter in adulthood – with others and with the Self). Similarly, we know that exposure to adverse events and toxic stressors in childhood play a role in brain development, coping skills, and resilience. Finally, it is important to appreciate how both of these factors relate to our Window of Tolerance, which is loosely defined as the zone of arousal in which we are able to function most effectively given the demands of every day life. 

 

As you read on, I encourage you to reflect on how your childhood experiences (mentioned above) may have impacted on your emotional learning and the development of your brain’s 3 emotion regulation systems. Links to all related articles will appear again throughout this article. 

 

 

 

Our Tricky Brains

Our brains have evolved to enable us to solve amazingly complex problems: We can create cures for medical issues, we can send humans into space, and we have created amazing technologies (like smartphones and the internet) which allow us to learn, connect and be entertained. Despite the evidence of our prowess over the physical world, we are still no closer to solving the problems of our inner worlds. We cannot use the same problem-solving logic that works in the physical world to permanently address the internal suffering we can experience in our inner worlds.

Our ‘tricky’ brains have been shaped by evolution for us (not by us). So many of the difficulties humans experience are not things that anyone would ever think to include if they were asked to re-design a brain from scratch. Think about this: Our tricky brains can produce scores of unwanted thoughts, unwanted images and unwanted emotions (and thousands of these events can happen on a daily basis!). Yet, we did not choose to have brains that function in this way. Equally, we may struggle with conflicting motivations or desires that may not be helpful.  Again, we did not choose to have brains that function in this way (it’s not our fault – evolution shaped our brains this way). 

We can become triggered by unwanted anxieties about the future, we can be haunted by the pains of our past (making them feel as though the past is happening again NOW), and we can attack ourselves with our ‘inner-critics’. We can become motivated by greed (at the expense of us being the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be), and we can become fixated on the unrelenting pursuit of goals that do not truly matter (in an attempt to avoid aspects of ourselves that we to not want to acknowledge). Yet, we did not choose any of this. 

 

As discussed in greater detail in the articles how to deal with negative thinking and the Threat System, our brains respond to external threats and internal threats in exactly the same ways: 

 

threat system

 

 

In addition to the way evolution designed and shaped our tricky brains (which we did not choose), we also did not choose our family of origin, nor did we choose any of the adverse life experiences that have shaped us. We all have brains that respond to ‘perceived threats’ in extremely powerful ways, and we all have brains that have been affected (for better or for worse) by our upbringings.  For instance, we know that our early attachment bond with caregivers provides emotional learning experiences that shape brain development and emotion regulation, and that the impacts of these experiences can continue throughout adulthood (e.g., how much we perceive others as predictable and trustworthy, how we relate to others in relationships, and how we care for ourselves during times of distress).

Yet, despite all of this, just as we are responsible for what we make of our lives, we are all still individually responsible for how we regulate our emotions and respond to our tricky brains and life’s challenges. Moreover, it could be said that we are all united in this life together by several themes: We all experienced being born, and we all will experience dying. We all have hopes and dreams. We will all experience pains, fears and sadness. We will experience joys, and we all will experience setbacks, disappointments and difficulties. In other words, our evolution, ‘tricky brains’, and our common humanity (with all of its ups and downs) unite us all.

By keeping in mind just how tough life can be for us all at times, we are more likely to be able to access the best versions of ourselves to support others (and ourselves) in times of distress.  However, being the best version of ourselves also requires that we fully understand how our own tricky brains are wired. This means understanding how our motivational systems (and the bugs and feedback loops in the brain caused by evolution) mix with our personal life experiences to shape our perception of the world, ourselves and others. 

 

 

 

The 3 Emotion Regulation Systems

Professor Paul Gilbert (who has been knighted Order of the British Empire for his incredible contribution to the field of Psychology) proposed that we have three main kinds of emotion regulation systems, and that adverse early experiences can lead to an unbalance between these systems. This leaves us sensitized to distress caused by fears and anxieties; self-criticism caused by failures; and, deep feelings of shame about things we have done, and/or about things over which we had very little control.

Although we all manage our emotions by switching between the following systems, as will be discussed, most psychological difficulties are caused by an overuse of the Threat and Drive systems (and an under-use of the Soothing system) to manage both actual and perceived threats.  

 

 

CFT 3 Circles Model

 

 

 

The Threat System (Detection & Protection)

Our Threat System is very powerful: it involves stress-hormones such as Cortisol and Adrenaline. It can activate powerfully motivating bursts of arousal that can alert us to threats and can motivate us to take action. The Threat System responds to external inputs (i.e., problems in the external world) and also internal inputs (e.g., imagery, emotions, thoughts, memories, judgments, predictions etc). It does this by creating powerfully motivating feelings of anger, anxiety, fear or aversion in response to potentially threatening stimuli. The behavioural ramifications include: the Fight-Flight response (which leads us to attack or withdraw), to ‘freeze’ or submit (which can both lead to feelings of shame), or to engage in self-attacking and self-criticism. 

The Threat System has been fine-tuned by evolution over thousands of years (those with better Threat Systems were more likely to survive long enough to pass on genes and help raise young).  This means our brains have evolved to detect threats very quickly and to mobilise a response (by diverting our energy and attentional resources toward eliminating the threat). This all happens very quickly to ensure our ultimate survival (think: ‘survival of the fittest!’).  The Threat System has thus been shaped by evolution to keep us safe. It operates on a ‘better safe than sorry’ principle – it is reactive because its aim is to protect us (to keep us alive), by scanning for and identifying all kinds of threats (even if it gets things wrong, sometimes – which it does!).

Research shows that we are biased toward processing threat-based information: We know that negative information captures our attention, thinking, and memory much more powerfully than does positive information (this is referred to by researchers as a ‘negativity bias’). For instance, we feel the sting of being reprimanded much more powerfully than we feel the joy of praise. We also know that threat-based emotions (fear, anger, disgust) organize our brain and bodies in powerful ways that motivate us to ‘protect’ ourselves and ‘eliminate the source of threat’ in order to ‘stay safe!’. And this all makes perfect sense, from an evolutionary point of view (remember: ‘survival of the fittest’!).

Although this may have been very helpful when having to fight a saber-toothed tiger or a dinosaur, in modern times, it is terribly unhelpful when we are faced with: Having emotions or memories that we would rather not have (e.g., trying to forget the painful past); when we are anxious about trying to solve future problems; when we are trying to do something completely incompatible with Threat, such as when we are trying to stay present and connect with others (or when we are simply lying in bed trying to fall asleep!). What ends up happening is our Threat Systems hijack the situation and worse, if we cannot solve the problem – WE may become the source of the problem (and the target of our Threat System).

So, when balanced with the two other systems, the threat system helps alert us to potential threats and obstacles, and helps to help keep our lives moving in desired directions. However, because it is one of the brain’s most powerful system (remember: it’s all about survival!) it is easy for this system to take up more than its fair share of mental and physical energy. Due to our brain’s ability to imagine and ruminate, and because the Threat system responds to internal inputs (like imagery, thoughts, memories, judgements, predictions etc), it is possible to keep this system running even in the absence of any actual threat. This means that if we spend lots of time living unnecessarily in a state of ‘threat’ our worlds will be experienced as a potentially unsafe. This can make the world seem an unnecessarily anxiety-provoking, exhausting, or an overwhelming place to be. This can lead to toxic stress and a range of mental health difficulties.

You can read more about your brain’s threat system and its triggers, here.

 

 

 

 

The Drive System (Pursuit, Resource Acquisition & Achievement)

The Drive System is a motivational system that also has roots in our evolution, in that it drives us towards the things we want or need (or, at least, things that we believe we need) in order to prosper. The Drive System alerts us to opportunities for pursuing goals and securing resources, and helps us focus and maintain our attention on such pursuits. The Drive system is highly influenced by the pleasurable brain chemical Dopamine. Our Brains produce Dopamine (experienced as ‘pleasure’), whenever we are either in pursuit of a chosen direction or when we achieve something that we set out to achieve. In other words, the drive system is being utilized whenever we pursue OR when we achieve our goals. 

Like the Threat System, the neurochemistry involved in the Drive system can be powerfully motivating and can narrow our attention to focus on whatever we are pursuing – but this can become tricky especially when the blind pursuit of our goals is actually causing harm to ourselves or others. So, the Drive System can lead to engaging in life-enhancing, workable, values-informed activities BUT it can ALSO inadvertently lead us to taking actions that can reinforce our problems. 

The Drive System alerts us to opportunities to pursue goals, and it can help us focus and maintain our attention on such pursuits. In the Animal Kingdom, Drive looks like this: The quest to secure Food, Shelter, Comfort, and Territory (e.g., a bird focused on finding sticks to build a nest, a squirrel hoarding acorns for the winter, dogs fighting over a bone, spiders building a web etc). For humans living in modern societies, Drive looks like this: The quest for Wealth, Social Rank or Status, Competitiveness, anticipation of (and the engagement in) highly valued pleasurable events such as consuming high calorie foods and other forms stimulation (eg video games, internet or pornography, illicit substances), or achieving success (either ‘socially prescribed’ success or however else we may define and value it, ourselves).

In other words, in humans, the Drive System is associated with the anticipation of a positive outcome, accomplishment aka via ‘Getting Things Done’ (doing more, being more, earning more, & having more) and / or achievement (such as earning a higher rank socially or in the eyes of others in our social group). In other words, even simply engaging in the process of accomplishment can be experienced as rewarding. 

When in balance with the other two systems, the drive system can help keep us activated in the pursuit of important life goals. However, at the extreme, Drive can lead to addictive and compulsive behaviours (e.g., chasing unrequited love or the ‘high’ associated with drugs, or compulsive behaviours people engage in order to avoid anxiety), much like the addictive drug cocaine (which also stimulates the dopamine system!). The Drive System often also leads people to overcompensate for feeling bad about themselves which can lead them to pursue achievement in unrelenting and rigid ways (causing perfectionism / control issues, stress, burnout and depression).




Free Dopamine: The Darkside of Drive & Habit Formation

As you will discover, Drive processes can become very problematic for us in terms of ‘habit formation’. This is because the reward system that is activated in the brain when we receive a reward is the same system that is activated when we pursue a goal in anticipation of a reward. It is this combination – anticipation and accomplishment – that can activate the Drive circuitry which makes for the pleasure feelings that can shape our behaviours in subtle but powerful ways (sometimes even without our conscious awareness!). 

So, whenever we predict that an opportunity will be rewarding, our levels of dopamine spike in anticipation. And whenever dopamine rises, so too does our motivation to act. Often it is this anticipation of a reward—not just the fulfillment of it— that can drive us to take action. Us pursuing a goal with the lure of achieving the positive outcome we believe it will bring is also rewarding. Thus, we can stimulate our reward system for FREE whenever we pursue any task where we have anticipated a desirable outcome will result – even if this task was set by ourselves (!). Think about how this may play out in some real world examples:

For instance, imagine you ‘decided’ to scrunch up a piece of paper and throw it into a garbage bin from afar. You may assume it will be fairly ‘easy’ and amusing, and succeeding will demonstrate your ‘hand-eye-coordination skills’ and so you anticipate success will bring a positive outcome. Your Drive System has now become activated. You motivation begins to increase. You are now focused – anticipation is fueling your increased attention to this task (your aim, your set-up, your body position, and your ability to block out unnecessary distractions). 

Let’s say that on the first throw, you miss (you throw it too far to the left). Frustrated, but determined, you try again. But your second throw is a little too far to the right. Then, you readjust your aim and … ‘BINGO!’ – It lands in the bin with a satisfying ‘THUD’! (You will now likely feel some combination of either ‘satisfied’, ‘accomplished’, ‘pride’ or ‘relief’). 

BIG DEAL – all you did was to place a piece of rubbish into a garbage bin (!). But, why did so many positive and rewarding feelings arise during this activity and upon its success ? ANSWER: Because YOU ‘chose’ it as a goal (you decided that it was a worthy endeavour). That you chose a specific way to achieve this goal made it its success highly desirable (!). 

Yet, this completely arbitrary (and trivial) example illustrates how we can a) create an arbitrary goal (we can do this with ‘anything’, really), b) stimulate our dopaminergic Drive system with the anticipation of success, and c) experience a reward insofar as pleasurable states in pursuit of the Goal and when finally do succeed!  This demonstrates how we humans can use our drive systems to create ‘FREE DOPAMINE’.

This is a trivial example that for most of us would likely only produce a tiny amount of dopamine. But it is instantly possibly more instantly gratifying than (say) so than putting in the effort to reading all of the words on this page (!).

However, here’s where it gets tricky: When combined with the seductive short term benefit (in terms of the feeling of ‘relief’ that comes from a reduction in ‘threat’) that engaging in avoidance behaviours bring, the reinforcing effects of dopamine can quickly become complex habit-forming processes that can maintain psychological difficulties (!). 

For example, when someone with OCD succeeds in following a rule they have created, they stimulate powerful reward-circuitry in their brains. They may anticipate future relief (which is ultimately pleasurable) from adhering to a rule that is believed to prevent an aversive situation from occurring in the future, plus relief (further pleasure) when the rule has been successfully followed. When nothing bad actually does happen, if the person associates their actions (rule-following) with a positive outcome this then begins a powerful reward circuit (or ‘feedback loop’) that strengthens the likelihood of this behaviour happening again in similar situations (a habit is formed). 

Similarly, when an person with depression and anxiety avoids an imagined future situation that they were anticipating as aversive, they will experience pleasure and relief (even though they were essentially creating this negative situation in their own minds). In this way, ‘avoidance’ is rewarded, and this behavior is more likely to occur again in the future. Equally, when someone with an Eating Disorder adheres to a rigid rule around food (or their weight), the self-prescribed ‘achievement’ that comes from following one’s rule about food is also rewarded by dopamine. Yet, for all of these examples, the rewards are the product of us having created the rules ourselves (free dopamine!). 

When it comes to habits, the key takeaway is this: dopamine is released not only when we experience pleasure, but also when we anticipate it. Think for a moment about how you ‘set things up’ to be rewarding in your life? Consider how much dopamine drives of your behaviours – the good (workable, goal-directed approach behaviours) and the bad (your unworkable avoidance-related behaviours).

 

 

 

Threat-Based Drive 

Many people tend to be stuck oscillating primarily between the Threat and the Drive systems (almost every Drive action that is pursued rigidly is heavily motivated by a deep desire to escape a Threat vs simply pursuing an action for the sake of the pleasure it brings). In other words, many people go between the torment of Threat and its temporary relief via rigid Threat-Based Drive actions. In the short term, this is very rewarding. After all, we are pain averse, pleasure-seeking creatures. However, this cycle can become exhausting in the long term because it leaves no space for failure (because failure triggers Threat), and by extension, no space for peace and contentment with what ‘is’. 

However, this can be a very difficult pattern to recognize because it involves these ancient systems. Threat feels ‘bad’ and relieving Threat (via Drive based activities) involves the temporarily distracting effects of the activity and the temporarily rewarding effects of Dopamine.

Politicians and Advertisers know this, and so too should YOU: By triggering Threat, they get you to ‘do’ something (Drive) which makes you feel better about the Threat. For instance, Politicians are often seen attempting to manipulate vulnerable people with messages of “Fear, Threat, Doom… blah, blah … oh, and by the way: VOTE FOR ME!” (This is the ‘Drive’ component of their Threat-based message!).

Advertisers often prey on these evolutionary systems by triggering fears and insecurities (that surprise, surprise: their product is designed to help you alleviate!), or they strive to generate cravings (Drive) in you to buy the next ‘shiny’ object or experience (that you often didn’t know that you needed before you watched the advertisement). 

 

 

Threat-Based Drive & Mental Health Issues

Many mental health problems involve an overuse of the Threat and Drive systems. For example, we know that individuals with significant depression may experience not only low moods, but also low motivation and negative feelings towards one’s self, tend to overuse their Threat Systems in the form of relying on their ‘inner critic’ to motivate themselves to ‘take action’ (Threat-based Drive). But more than often, what this does is it inadvertently increases their experience of distress (which increases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline), and this makes failure more likely. And because we know that failure triggers Threat (“I don’t like myself AND now I am a failure as well…”), we now have the perfect recipe for agitation, self-criticism, and hopelessness which often leads to self-hatred and suicidal thoughts.

People with “I’m not good enough” / “I’m not Enough” / “I’m a Failure” often utilize the Drive system in unbalanced ways to feel good about one’s self. Although this is understandable, this can lead to problems. For example, by engaging in the relentless pursuit of achievement in order to feel ‘better’ about one’s self (‘do more’, ‘be more’, ‘have more…’), people often over utilize the Drive System and experience high stress as a result. This is because the threat of failing to achieve can trigger threat via feelings of disappointment, shame, and one’s inner-critic, which inadvertently triggers the Threat System. This becomes a never-ending spiral of suffering. Threat-based Drive is always inevitably a recipe for unhappiness, because when you fail to achieve (which is inevitable, because no one can achieve 100% of the time – people make mistakes AND so much is out of our control!) you will trigger Threat – because whenever you come at Drive from Threat and fail, failure triggers Threat via self-criticism.

 

 

 

 

People experiencing Anxiety commonly use their Threat & Drive systems. Yet, utilizing the Drive System to reduce any threat (‘do more, be more, achieve more’) only produces short term relief . When Drive is used to escape Threat, it often leads to ongoing difficulties.  This is because Threat-motivated Drive actions are essentially an elaborate avoidance strategy (they only work until they don’t… then, you’re back at Threat again).

Of course, given that anxiety feels terrible it is completely understandable that people who are experiencing anxiety are often highly motivated to avoid the imminent source of Threat (after all, anxiety feels ‘bad’). However, the avoidance of anxiety (or its triggers) only ever works in the short term – avoidance does not ever completely eliminate anxiety forever, and meanwhile the actions people engage in while avoiding often leads to them missing out on living a meaningful existence.

Moreover, in the long run, avoidance inadvertently results in an increase of anxiety (because we are teaching ourselves we ‘cannot cope’). Meanwhile no skills for managing anxiety are learned, and the Threats continue to circulate in the mind, which results in increased activity in the Threat system. So, although avoidance may reduce anxiety temporarily, in the long run, it makes makes anxiety worse. Unfortunately, this will likely be perceived as a failure (‘”What’s wrong with me!?”) which may lead to self-criticism and hopelessness, which in turn may trigger …Threat (and the cycle continues). 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is also directly related to a ping-pong between the Threat-Drive Systems. Remember the ‘free dopamine’ example in which we created a goal  / rule for ourselves to successfully shoot a piece of paper into a garbage bin ? When we succeeded, we felt ‘good’. This is because, set ourselves a goal and achieve it (or whenever we make a rule and stick to it), we will experience FREE DOPAMINE ! ! !

With OCD, people set themselves arbitrary rules to follow. E.g., “I must turn off/on a light 150 times before I can go to sleep, else something bad will happen!”.  Often these compulsive behaviours are labelled ‘rituals’. But essentially, they are behaviours derived from a Threat-based Drive rule, in that if someone follows their self-prescribed rule (and succeeds), they will experience relief (dopamine & stress reduction), even though they created the rule, themselves (!). Because Threat does not feel good and because dopamine does feel good, this is a very seductive cycle: a) Feel Threatened, b) Create Rule and follow it, c) Feel relief (or even good) about that! (and thus, …receive dopamine!). 

Here’s where it gets tricky: In OCD, when people take the ‘good feelings’ (eg relief) that result from following a rule or engaging in a series of self-prescribed actions as evidence that they are doing the ‘right thing’ (this is called Emotional Reasoning), this leads to a seductive pattern emerging. In the above example of ‘turning on/off a light 150 times to prevent bad things from happening‘, when the relief of performing the action is associated with the observation the following morning that nothing ‘bad’ actually happened during the night, we now have a highly complex and challenging compulsive Threat-Drive pattern emerging (i.e., falsely associating the relief and the possibly even ‘good feelings’ that follow completing a self-prescribed action, along with the fact that ‘nothing bad happened’ – when really, neither are associated). 

Although the above example focuses on OCD, it is important to understand that similar processes can also underpin many other psychological difficulties (for instance): the rigid rule-following people can become stuck in when they develop an Eating Disorder, the Threat based safety-behaviours and rituals that can also occur in Psychosis, the ‘protective worrying’ that can occur in Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and many of the other mental health difficulties people can commonly experience.

So, as you can begin to see – an overuse of the Threat & Drive systems can really get us stuck. The Threat-based Drive ‘ping-pong’ will lead to exhaustion, anxiety, shame, anger, self-criticism, and hopelessness. All of these can have a massive toll our stress levels, our moods, and our relationship with ourselves and others. Clearly there can be no peace with these two systems unless their use is balanced with the third system:

 

 

The Soothing System (Safeness, Caring, Contentment)

Like the Threat and Drive Systems, we come into this world hard-wired with Soothing Systems. In evolutionary terms, the Soothing System is our Mammalian Care-Giving System. Often, the Soothing System operates naturally when there are no threats to defend against and no goals that must be pursued. This system taps into feel good neurochemicals such as oxytocin, endorphins, and opiates. 

Unlike the Threat and Drive Systems which activate us, the Soothing System can deactivate us. The Soothing System is associated with peaceful states – feelings of being safe, calm, peaceful, and content. The Soothing System allows us to soothe ourselves, and it also allows us to soothe others. It is linked with experiences of giving/receiving care, affection, acceptance, kindness, warmth, encouragement, support and affiliation. We now know from the research that these behaviours can downregulate and weaken the toxic effects of the Threat System. In this way, the Soothing System can bring us a sense of calm, safeness, and peace. 

Sometimes people who have been overutilising their Drive Systems have misconceptions around activating their Soothing System because they believe that if they were more accepting of themselves, they would simply ‘give up’ on all of their pursuits and would never achieve anything. This is hugely inaccurate. Whereas Threat-Based Drive is a weakness (it only works temporarily – until you fail – because failure inadvertently triggers Threat via self-criticism), approaching Drive activities from a place of Soothing can provide you with a rich source of strength. If you are able to support, nurture and soothe yourself, you are more capable of being there for yourself if you fail (and you will eventually fail or will make mistakes, because nobody is perfect 100% of the time). This means you will be able to handle disappointment without spiraling into self-criticism and self-attacking or shame. You will be able to meet yourself wherever you are (emotionally and at whatever your skill level) and you will be able to understand, support, nurture, and encourage yourself to learn from your mistakes and get back out there and try again (if that is important to you). By relating to yourself in this way, you are not motivated by fear or your Threat System. In fact, you may even be more comfortable with yourself which means that you can do a better job. Activating your Soothing System makes you more resilient in the face of life setbacks. Soothing is a source of strength, not a vulnerability. 

However, unfortunately, for many people, the Soothing System is often both hugely misunderstood and underutilized, or it is completely blocked. This is particularly true for individuals with difficult family upbringings such as attachment wounds, or with a history of complex trauma. For example, due to our developmental histories, or painful emotional or interpersonal experiences (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, parental hostility or parental unresponsiveness), the very behaviours and emotions that associated with caring or safeness (warmth, closeness, and soothing) can unfortunately inadvertently trigger a sense of Threat – not safeness!

 

Interested readers are encouraged to read more about this in the following articles: 

 

As previously discussed, an imbalance in these three Systems can lead to mental health problems. And we know that individuals who underutilize their Soothing System often also experience intense shame and self-criticism which triggers an excess of cortisol and stress hormones and this (for example) can result in hostility, suspicion or defensiveness, which can greatly interfere with their relationship with both themselves and others.

Luckily, being able to tap into the Soothing System involves an established set of skills. Thankfully, Soothing skills (see below) can be learned and this fact is backed by extensive scientific research. If you believe that you are over utilizing your Threat or Drive systems or if you would like to learn more about how you can tap into your Soothing System – I recommend working with a Clinical Psychologist who is trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT).

 

 

 

 

What is CFT?

Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) was developed to help those with mental health issues that are maintained by feelings of shame or self-criticism. CFT is based on evolutionary psychology and the latest neuroscience of emotions. It teaches practical skills to help people bring balance to the brain’s three emotional systems so they can self-soothe and deal with difficult emotions such as Anger, Shame, Anxiety, Fear, Depression, and Self-Criticism. A major component of CFT is to work with the Fears, Blocks, & Resistances (FBRs) to working with the Soothing System. These FBRs are essentially viewed as being outdated (but understandable) protective strategies that were once helpful (but which are no longer helpful because their consequences now play out in very complex and undesirable ways). These FBRs are all completely understandable once the impacts of one’s developmental history and one’s early learning about positive emotions such as Soothing are considered. 

 

 

 

Further Resources:

About Me: 

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.


To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

About Me: 

Dr Andreas Comninos

PhD Clinical Psychologist

 

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs. 

The Physiology of Self-Criticism

Overview

Self-criticism is common across all mental health difficulties and has very powerful effects on your emotions, your brain, and your physiology. This article will outline the physiological and psychological effects of Self-Criticism and will contrast these effects with the deactivating and soothing processes involved in Self-Compassion. When we practice self-compassion, we are actually moving from the threat system to a sense of ‘safeness’ via activating our mammalian care-giving and attachment system. To do this requires learning set of skills designed to awaken our own ability to ‘self-soothe’ which generates feelings of safety and calm. As you will learn, these processes are more productive than being self-critical or in a perpetual state of threat and distress.


Physiology of Self-Criticism

Both harsh Self-criticism and Self-compassion have distinct physiological pathways. What Self-Criticism does is that it triggers the brain’s ‘threat system’ – this is our Limbic System (pictured below) the oldest part of our brain that tells us to ‘be prepared to fight!’ or ‘be prepared to run!’. When the threat system gets triggered, the brain releases cortisol (a stress hormone) and this activates the sympathetic nervous system (‘fight-flight response’) that tells the body: “Get ready for danger!”

Evolutionarily, our threat system is very adaptive – because if a lion is chasing you, then you better do something about it if you want to survive! So, the threat system protects the organism, by preparing it as best as it can with the means to battle or to flee. However, as you may already know from your own personal experience – the threat system can also cause us distress. 



However, in modern times we are rarely in situations where the environment is triggering our threat systems. More likely, what is happening is that we are triggering our own threat systems with our minds – that is, our ‘self-concept’ is being threatened. In other words, our minds are triggering our own threat systems with negative predictions, painful memories, or harsh judgements and self-criticism (see ‘Dealing with Your ‘inner-critic’).

As a quick aside: as is discussed on the page ‘What is mindfulness?’ one of the key benefits of practicing Mindfulness (i.e., the non-judgmental observation of all experience) is that being non-judgmental results in a reduction in stress because observing – vs judging – keeps the amygdala calm by treating information it processes as ‘neutral’ which actually soothes your brain’s threat system.

Back to Self-Criticism – when something happens that threatens our ‘self-concept’, it is almost as if we ourselves are under siege. We react as if there is a lion about to harm us – as though our very self was under threat! This triggers our threat system!

self-criticism

 

Why do we engage in Self-Criticism?

One of the reasons we use self-criticism is to motivate ourselves to do something about the threat to our self-concept. So even though the method is a little warped and clumsy, what Self-Criticism is actually trying to do to keep us safe by motivating us (with pain and discomfort) to take action. 

E.g., often when there is a problem such as when we aren’t being our best, self-criticism will appear, trigger our threat system and motivate us to take action. So, at its core self-criticism simply trying to keep us safe.

However, because motivating ourselves with harsh self-criticism triggers our threat system – motivating ourselves with harsh self-criticism is akin to motivating ourselves with a baseball bat because it causes a cascade of stress hormones that can overwhelm and flood our body and our emotions. This is NOT very effective!



What can we do about it? 

Luckily we have another system that has evolved to keep us safe! And that is the mammalian care-giving system (aka the ‘Soothing System’). As mammals what makes humans different to (say) reptiles is that mammals are born very vulnerable and dependent on their caregivers for food, warmth, and shelter. In order to ensure survival, typically a mother will – instinctively – be motivated to care for her young to soothe, comfort and keep her child warm and safe.

Equally, the infant is physiologically programmed to be comforted: Warmth, tender touch, even soft vocal tones trigger a release of oxytocin and other opiates in the infant’s brain that influence the parasympathetic nervous system which is designed to calm us down and make us feel safe. These same processes are activated when people are warm and kind to us, and when we are kind and caring to ourselves. 

When we practice self-compassion, we are actually moving our sense of safety from the threat system to our own care-giving and attachment system (aka: our Soothing System). This awakens our own ability to ‘self-soothe’ which triggers the release of opiates and oxytocin, which generates feelings of safety and peace. This is more helpful and ultimately more productive than being self-critical and in a perpetual state of threat, distress, and self-attacking.

Whereas over-relying upon the threat system as a source of motivation can make us stressed, anxious and depressed and generally inhibits a good emotional mindset to (really) accomplish anything well, when we give extend compassion to ourselves we feel safe, emotionally balanced, and soothed. This puts us on the best footing to not only be happy, but also to take risks, to grow, and to ultimately reach our goals.



Fears of Compassion

Unfortunately, for many people, the idea of engaging in self-compassionate actions can inadvertently trigger Threat NOT Soothing (!). This is because one of the most common barriers to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past. Therefore, for many people, Self-Compassion is often either hugely misunderstood or underutilized, or is completely blocked and therefore completely absent altogether.

For example, due to our developmental histories, or painful emotional or interpersonal experiences (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, parental hostility, neglect or unresponsiveness), it is very common for people to have learned to associate ‘warmth, closeness, and soothing’, with Threat – not safeness (!). In other words, because Self-Compassion encourages a response that taps into these processes and emotions, Self-Compassion can therefore trigger threat! 

If this is the case, you may find it hard experiencing positive emotions towards yourself and you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance. 

If you would like to learn more about how to deal with your inner critic, or the fears / blocks people have with treating themselves with warmth and compassion, I strongly recommend reading the following articles: The first addresses how to deal with your ‘inner-critic’ and the second discuss the common Fears, Blocks & Resistances people have in response to the ‘idea’ of self-compassion.




Summary: 

  • Self-criticism and Shame are common across all mental health difficulties and can have very powerful negative effects on your emotions, your brain, and your physiology.
  • Self-compassion is the antidote to excessive self-criticism and intense shame.
  • The most common barrier to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental histories such as parental rejection, hostility, neglect or unresponsiveness.
  • For these reasons you may find it hard to experience positive emotions towards yourself and you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.
  • Look out for the inner-critic – don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up. Understand what the inner-critic is and does to you, and learn to respond to yourself in a more supportive way.
  • Becoming a better support person for yourself means connecting with the part of yourself that can be wise, caring and supportive – the part of you that can help you meet your needs in a way that is helpful makes sense in the context of whatever struggle you may be experiencing.
  • Please appreciate that being self-compassionate can be complex and challenging for many people, for many reasons. It can be helpful to have a firm understanding of your own fears, blocks, & resistances around the idea of self-compassion, and it can also help to have a friendly teacher or therapist to help guide you through this process. 


Further resources:

About Me: 

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.


To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

About Me: 

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

 

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs. 

Dealing with Your ‘Inner-Critic’

Overview

All of us engage in ‘self-talk’ – the ability to talk to ourselves in our minds as we process, or comment on the happenings around us. The likely function of this ‘self-talk’ is to help motivate us and keep us on track. It’s great when it works – but it can painful and even destructive when it doesn’t.

Take a moment and reflect on something: What tone and words do you use when talking to yourself – do you use a harsh, critical or self-sabotaging voice? Or are you warm, kind, friendly, and helpful?

All of us have at times had an inner voice that has echoed disappointment when things have not worked out the way we would have liked. It seems a common reaction that can help motivate ourselves to ‘dust ourselves off’ and try again. However, if your self-talk is harsh, mean, or punishing – If your inner dialogue is consists of shaming, disparaging, judgmental critical or hurtful commentary, then this is a signal that your ‘inner-critic’ has taken over!

People who engage in self-criticism are at a high risk of stress, anxiety, and depression and there are good reasons for this. If you are interested, I encourage you to also read about the Physiology of Self-Criticism and the Fears, Blocks, and Resistances people can develop around extending warmth, care, and support to themselves.

 

 

 

The ‘Inner Critic’ – Shame, Self-Loathing & Self-Attacking

The problem with having a harsh inner-critic is that it triggers our ‘threat system’, which signals to the brain that we are under attack. The brain responds by releasing cortisol and other hormones that trigger the fight-flight response. This is useful if we need to run from a lion, but not very helpful in terms of our inner-critic because we can’t actually run from ourselves! Yet, many people motivate themselves in this way – and it can cause much stress and heartache!

 

 

 

 

Why do we have an Inner-Critic?

We know from decades of research that children who grow up with very critical parents tend to internalize those voices and grow up to be very self-critical themselves. In fact, some people say that their inner critic even sounds like a critical parent or someone they knew from childhood.

Other people may have grown up with the complete absence of a safe, warm and soothing caregiver, and if this is the case it is very common for there to be fear, anger, pain or aversion associated with being kind to one’s self when in a time of need.

We also know that this development during the earliest years of an infant’s life is dependent on an infant’s ‘Attachment’ to their primary caregiver, and that this relationship (or lack thereof) influences a child’s ability to self-soothe and regulate their emotions throughout life. I have written extensively about how Attachment affects your brain’s development, your ability to regulate your emotions, and your relationship with yourself (and others), here. 

 

 

Why do we engage in Self-Criticism?

There are several reasons for engaging in self-criticism. One is BECAUSE WE CARE – When we deeply care about an outcome, often we also fear failure. Thus, thinking about the mere possibility of something not going as we planned can trigger our brain’s threat system (e.g., the fear of failure) and can motivate us to take action.

Often, because the possibility of falling short of our ideal threatens our self-concept, to protect ourselves from the fear of failure our inner-critic may step in to motivate us. But, the inner-critic also triggers the threat system, which causes a cascade of stress hormones that can overwhelm and flood our body and our emotions. This can cause us distress, and can even get in the way of us taking effective action. This is akin to motivating ourselves with a baseball bat

E.g., People who struggle with perfectionism or who hold excessively high standards of themselves are constantly living with the impending threat of disappointing themselves. They often use harsh self-criticism to motivate themselves, which triggers their brain’s threat systems. This triggers a cascade of physiological activity and stress which can seem overwhelming. Because of this stress, they are at high risk of performing poorly or making a mistake which if happens then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. This in-turn justifies and fuels their harsh inner-critic for the next time – “See!? I told you that you were no good!” 


Clearly, this is NOT helpful!

If we talked to friends like this – they would not remain our friends for long! 

 

Inner Critic

 

 

 

Self-Compassion: The Antidote to Self-Criticism

If our inner-critic is ultimately stress-inducing and destructive – what options do we have? We know from decades of research that learning to cultivate an approach of self-compassion is an extremely powerful antidote to the inner-critic. Although this may sound like an alien concept, thankfully, self-compassion simply requires practicing a set of skills that can be learned.

When we practice self-compassion, we are actually moving our sense of safety from the threat system to our own care-giving and attachment system. This awakens our own ability to ‘self-soothe’ which is actually more productive than being self-critical. Whereas over-relying upon the threat system as a source of motivation can make us stressed, anxious and depressed and generally inhibits a good emotional mindset to really accomplish anything, when we give ourselves compassion we feel safe, emotionally balanced, and loved. This puts us on the best footing to not only be happy, but to also grow and to reach our goals.

 

Carl Rogers Self Acceptance Quote

 

However, for many people these skills involved in Self-Compassion may seem unfamiliar. As mentioned earlier, for many people, the origins of their inner-critics reside in childhood experiences of shame, rejection, and parental hostility or unresponsiveness.  For many, often the mere suggestion of being kind to one’s self can trigger the inner-critic in the form of judgments and resistance via negative thoughts/emotions (which can trigger a threat system response!).

And, just like how the immensely beneficial concept and practice of ‘Mindfulness’ is greatly misunderstood by the general public, there are many misunderstandings about what self-compassion is. Therefore, you owe it to yourself to learn more about Self-Compassion.

If you are struggling with your harsh inner-critic or would like to learn how to apply the skills of self-compassion and kindness to your situation, let’s talk.  



Further Resources

View all Self-Help articles I have written


Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) exercises 

 

About Me: 

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.


To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

About Me: 

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

 

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs. 

The Benefits of Self-Compassion

compassion

Overview

Self-compassion is one of the most important but most poorly understood concepts. Some people equate compassion with ‘kindness’ and self-compassion with being ‘soft’, ‘narcissistic’, ‘overly indulgent’, or having a ‘weakness’.

This page discusses what self-compassion is (and what it is NOT); why self-compassion is so important (including the direct benefits to you for developing more self-compassion); and, it explores the most common myths around self-compassion. 

Firstly, Compassion – What’s the big deal, anyway? 

To understand what self-compassion is, we first need to explore the definition (and components) of compassion. Compassion is also often misunderstood which is unfortunate because it is one of the most skillful motivations, and one of the most helpful attributes, that we can harness in psychology (!). Compassion does not simply mean ‘to be nice’ nor does it mean ‘to be empathic’. Although sometimes these things may be involved, depending on situation, they actually might not (!).  

A standard definition of compassion comes from the Dalai Lama and it involves two-parts: “Sensitivity to the causes of suffering in one’s self and others” (Part A), combined with “the commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it” (Part B).

Alas, as you will see, this not always easy to do. For example, most people come to therapy very eager to “alleviate” their suffering (Part B of the above definition), but at the same time they are in fact insensitive to their own suffering (Part A). Read on, to find out why this is!

Compassion is a caring motivation that requires immense courage and an important set of inter-related motivations and skills that consist of:

  • Having precise and sensitive awareness of suffering (Sensitivity);
  • Allowing ourselves to feel moved (Sympathy); having an ability to understand what is going on from different perspectives (Empathy);
  • Having an ability to tolerate distress (Distress Tolerance); and,
  • Having a non-judgmental attitude regarding what is going on (awareness of distress without ‘adding to it’ or going to threat / protective strategies such as ‘shame about shame’, ‘anger about anger’, or ‘anxiety about anxiety’, or ‘self-criticism about self criticism’).

Compassion does not just mean ‘being kind’ – Compassion may involve coming into contact with suffering so that you can do whatever is necessary to help reduce or stop it.

eg, Imagine a mother throwing herself in front of a bus to protect her child who may have run out onto the street. She most certainly will get hurt – she may even get killed. This is not ‘kindness’ (!). Rather, this is doing whatever needs doing – an act of compassion for her child, that risks herself becoming harmed, in order to prevent suffering. 

eg, During COVID-19, there was a huge shortage of medical staff available in certain cities of America. So,  retired doctors and nurses were called upon to consider returning to serve the public. Many of these health workers were in the ‘golden years’ of their lives (and thus were from a hugely ‘at-risk’ and vulnerable population). Yet, many took up the opportunity to stand up courageously and ‘do something’  even knowing very well that there were risks to them and their loved ones. 

eg, Imagine a firefighter rescuing a child out of a burning building. They may have children and a family of their own. But, they are skilled, and well-trained, and despite the risks, they use this knowledge courageously to ‘do something’ to help whenever they can. 

These examples are not just ‘kind’ – helping an old lady with her shopping is ‘kind’. Rather, these examples capture the full definition of compassion described earlier (Part A and Part B). These examples exemplify the qualities of what compassion involves: Sensitivity, Sympathy, Empathy, Distress Tolerance, Non-Judgement.

So, again – Compassion requires: being willing to understand the nature and causes of suffering while also being willing and courageous enough to come into contact with (vs avoiding) that suffering, so that we can actually do something to eliminate or prevent further harm in the best ways that we can.

Another common misunderstanding is that compassion is ’empathy’. However, although compassion involves empathy, compassion is not simply empathy. After all, empathy in combination with other qualities can actually be a terrible thing ! (eg, emphatic killers make the most cruel killers precisely because they are empathic – they cause people great pain and torture specifically because they are good at understanding other people’s feelings!).

Another common misunderstanding is that compassion is the same as ‘sympathy’. However, compassion is not sympathy (‘feeling sorry for…’).  Whereas sympathy is passive, compassion is active because it involves both choosing to feel moved by suffering in order to do something about the feeling (eg, think of a mother or father cradling a sick and fevered child – they are doing what they can, even if means coming in contact with the child’s illness). 

In a nutshell, compassion is what arises when witnessing suffering that motivates a subsequent desire to help. As you will discover, Self-Compassion ALSO brings together the SAME skills as compassion, and directes them onto one’s self: (self-) awareness, empathy (towards self), distress tolerance (of emotions within one’s self), courage (to be with and help with the challenging parts of one’s self), intention (to care for one’s self), which requires much wisdom, strength and persistence. 

The purpose of Self-Compassion is not simply about removing your difficulties – it is the opposite. Self-compassion means attending to suffering within one’s self (Part A) while having the intention to do something that is helpful (Part B) because that is precisely what we are needing when we are suffering.

Yet, for complex reasons related to our development (discussed later on this and in several other articles I have written), this doesn’t come naturally to many people.

What is Self-Compassion then ? 

Self-Compassion means taking responsibility for our actions while recognizing that we didn’t choose so many factors in life – we didn’t choose our genders, our evolutionary histories, our ‘tricky brains’, the countries we were born into, the families we were born into, or our developmental or trauma histories – so much of our lives is determined by factors outside of ourselves. 

Despite this, many of us still go around blaming and shaming ourselves for what we did wrong. Yet, when we can move towards a courageous fierce and empowered compassionate understanding, we can realize that although SO MUCH in life is not our fault, it remains our responsibility to do something about how we choose to act. So as you can see, neither compassion or self-compassion are about being soft or kind – it’s about taking charge and being accountable for our actions. This means understanding that we are suffering, and doing what we can – because THAT’S WHAT WE NEED. 

Self-compassion means extending the definition of compassion above (that means, BOTH Parts of that definition – not just ‘Prat B’) to instances of perceived shame, inadequacy, failure, or any other kind of suffering such as self-criticism, or difficult inner experiences that we might be struggling with. Self-compassion motivates us to achieve our goals, cope with adversity (i.e., increased resilience), take responsibility for our actions, and noticing our needs and caring for ourselves (and others) in a sustainable ways that are workable. 

Why is Self-Compassion Important?

Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us. Self-compassion results in many benefits, including reduced isolation, increased mindfulness and reduced over-identification.

Self-Compassion is the antidote to self-attacking – our “inner-critic” self-critical or self-sabotaging attitudes, reactions, and punitive feelings that can hijack our confidence or peace of mind, triggering out threat systems. This can often lead to destructive behaviors.

Self-compassion is a way to deactivate the brain’s threat system by activating its ‘safeness/soothing system‘ which works for you so that you can take responsibility and turn towards working with difficult feelings and thereby respond more effectively to life’s challenges.

Self-compassion is more beneficial to our psychological well-being than self-esteem because it is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.

Researchers have found that participants who displayed more self-compassion when talking about a relationship breakup evidenced better psychological adjustment afterwards and that this effect persisted nine months later.

compassion

Benefits of Self-Compassion: Research Findings

  • Strongly predictive of well-being – people who are taught to be more self-compassionate tend to become less depressed, less anxious, are less likely to suffer from excessive shame or suicidal ideation. It results in an increase in positive emotions: optimism, hope for the future.
  • Doesn’t have the problems of self-esteem pursuit – Self-esteem fluctuates. It is based on social comparison (you have to be better than others in order to have self-esteem) whereas self-compassion you don’t have to be better than anyone, you just have to be human. Self-esteem is not as stable as self-compassion because it is entirely dependent on achievement and it deserts you at times of failure – whereas this self-compassion is always there for you.
  • Linked to resilient coping – The way people treat themselves during hard times (trauma, relationship breakdowns) is a strong predictor of future mental health and emotional problems. People who practice self-compassion are kinder to themselves and bounce back faster from setbacks. Self-compassion helps you get through hard times – It’s a strength, not a weakness.
  • Healthier behaviours (more towards moves) – Whereas self-indulgence focuses on immediate pleasures but ultimately leads to long term harm, self-compassion involves making choices that alleviate one’s own suffering. People who are more self-compassionate make healthier and more caring choices for themselves and their futures.
  • More compassion for others – Because practicing self-compassion brings you in touch with your ability to meet your own needs – when you give yourself what you need, this gives you a greater pool of energy to allow you to respond sensitively to the needs of others. This also leads to less burnout when giving to others.
  • Better interpersonal relationships – Self-compassion leads to less selfish behavior in relationships. People who practice self-compassion are more capable of being intimate, are more giving, and are less controlling.

For someone to develop genuine compassion towards others, first he or she must have a basis upon which to cultivate compassion, and that basis is the ability to connect to one’s own feelings and to care for one’s own welfare … caring for others requires caring for oneself.” – Dalai Lama

Benefits: Self-Compassion & Motivation

After practicing self-compassion regularly, you will begin to notice that you are:

    • Learning to be your inner ally (vs your inner enemy)
    • No longer fearful of emotions such as fear, anxiety, or sadness
    • No longer engaging in harsh self-criticism
    • Experiencing more energy to care about this things that truly matter to you
    • Willing to take more personal responsibility and are more motivated to repair past mistakes
    • Holding high standards for yourself, but do not beat yourself up when you fail to succeed 
    • Less fearful of failing because you are better able (and are more willing) to support yourself to try again
    • More likely to succeed because failure no longer triggers threat and self-criticsm

Myths About Self-Compassion

MYTH:

“Self-compassion will ruin my motivation because it will allow me to get away with anything”

FACT: Many people say they are reluctant to be self-compassionate because they are afraid they would let themselves get away with anything. eg, “I feel bad today so I’ll just be nice to myself and stay home and watch TV, and eat a bucket of ice-cream.”

However, this is self-indulgence NOT self-compassion. The key to understanding the difference is that self-indulgence is focused on giving one’s self short-term pleasures – such as taking drugs, over-eating, being a couch potato, or allowing yourself to over react to strong emotions in ways that can often make a situation worse.

In contrast, being compassionate to oneself means that you understand the source of your current suffering and all that that entails, but that you genuinely also want to be happy and healthy in the long term. Clearly, this easy to talk about and much harder in practice – because in many cases, giving yourself health and lasting happiness in the future often involves a certain amount of displeasure in the present moment (such as quitting smoking, dieting, exercising).

MYTH: 

“Self-compassion will mean I won’t care about my mistakes !”

FACT: No – Self-compassion is NOT about letting yourself get away with your mistakes. It is an active process that involves personal responsibility – but without resorting to being punitive. Self-compassion acknowledges the truth that we are all imperfect beings who are impacted by things over which we have no control — our genes, early family history, culture, life circumstances. From this standpoint, self-compassion can be understanding and supportive, rather than punitive, shaming, and destructive.

Because compassion is intrinsically concerned with the alleviation of suffering — that of our own and also that of others – this means that self-compassion spurs us to take greater responsibility to acknowledge and correct our mistakes.

Rather than using guilt, shame, or the inner-critic as a source of motivation, self-compassion allows us to turn toward and face the difficult feelings that arise when considering our own mistakes and misdeeds, meaning that we can see ourselves more clearly, so that we can do what is needed to make things better.

MYTH:

“Self-Compassion will lead me to wallow in self-pity”

FACT: Self-Compassion is NOT self-pity (Self-pity is egocentric and self-centred). Self-pity results in responding to setbacks with self-condemnation and over-identification.

Self-pity tends to emphasize egocentric feelings of separation from others (isolation) and exaggerates the extent of personal suffering (“I’m the ONLY person who this thing has happened to”… “My problem is the worst thing in the world”).

When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and forget that others have similar problems (“I feel so alone…”). Self-pitying often causes individuals to become carried away with and wrapped up in their own emotional dramas. They cannot step back from their situation (i.e., over-identification) and adopt a more balanced or objective perspective.

Self-Pity can also lead to self-hatred which is really just a move made by your inner-critic to motivate you to take action by causing your pain, shame, or guilt. Look out for the inner-critic – don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up – this causes more stress. Understand how your inner-critic behaves, and learn to respond to yourself in a more supportive way.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows one to see the related experiences of self and other without these feelings of isolation and disconnection. By taking the perspective of a compassionate other towards oneself, more “mental space” is provided to recognize the broader human context of one’s experience and to put things in greater perspective. (“Yes it is very difficult what I’m going through right now, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering.  Perhaps this isn’t worth getting quite so upset about…”)

MYTH:

“Self-Compassion is a weakness”

FACT: One of the biggest myths about self-compassion is that it is a ‘weakness’ or that it means ‘feeling sorry for’ yourself. On the contrary – Self-compassion is that antidote to shame, self-pity and the tendency to sulk about our bad luck because it makes us more willing to accept, experience, and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness—this paradoxically helps us process and let go of difficult feelings more fully.

MYTH:

“Self-compassion is self-centred or narcissistic” 

FACT: People are often very hard on themselves when they notice something they want to change because they think they can shame themselves into action – the self-flagellation approach.  As discussed in detail in several other posts (see the ‘inner critic’ and the brain’s threat system) this can trigger the threat system (stress/anxiety). For some people, this can become so overwhelming that it can lead to failure, hopelessness, and even self-hatred and depression.

This approach can also backfire if you cannot face difficult truths about yourself because you are so afraid of hating yourself if you do. Thus, weaknesses may remain unacknowledged in an unconscious attempt to avoid self-criticism.

In contrast, the care intrinsic to self-compassion provides the safety needed to see the self clearly without fear of self-condemnation, and this is a powerful motivating force for growth and change.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

This is a huge topic! It takes time – But, like mindfulness, self-compassion is a set of practical skills which easier to learn with some sort of guidance – eg, guided audio exercises, a therapist, or perhaps an 8 week course.

Like any new way of relating to yourself, often it can feel a little awkward and clunky at first. Remember – the goal of practicing self-compassion is to become a better support person to yourself. HOW you do this, depends on what works for you. This will depend on your emotional development which is (in part) determined by your early Attachment experiences and your Window of Tolerance (I recommend reading both of those articles). 

In general, during the heat of the moment – that is during, not after it – you need to remind yourself of the components of self-compassion: Be mindful that you are having a tough time; remember that you are not alone in this struggle and that this is part of life (“this experience is part of being human”), and bring a sense of kindness to yourself with your self-talk using language that works for you.

Being kind to one’s self may at first seem like a very foreign concept. After all, it is often much easier to be caring and understanding of other’s mistakes or shortcomings than our own. 

Barriers to Self-Compassion: Fears, Block & Resistances

Unfortunately, for many people, the idea of engaging in self-compassion, triggers threat. This is because one of the most common barriers to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past. Thus, for many people self-compassion is not even an ‘option’ that they are aware of – it is often completely blocked, hugely misunderstood or overlooked, or highly underutilized.

For example, due to our developmental histories (our attachment wounds), or painful emotional or interpersonal experiences (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, parental hostility, neglect or unresponsiveness), some people have learned to associate warmth, closeness, and soothing, with THREAT– not safeness. Given that self-compassion encourages a response that taps into some of these emotions, Self-Compassion can also sometimes trigger threat! 

If this is the case, you may find it hard experiencing positive emotions towards yourself and you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.

Therapy will be most helpful, if it aims to help you develop the specific skills that you missed out on learning due to your upbringing – Skills that you need that can assist you with ‘being with’ the difficult parts of yourself so that you can soothe yourself when distressed and turn towards your pain and give yourself what you need. To do this well, first, you will need to understand your own specific fears, blocks and resistances that you may have towards the different parts of yourself (and their emotions), and the fears, blocks, and resistances that you may have around meeting your needs through engaging in self-care and acts of self-compassion. If interested, you can read more about these fears, blocks, and resistances, here. 

Summary: 

  • Self-criticism is common across all mental health difficulties and has very powerful effects on your emotions, your brain, and your physiology.
  • Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us.
  • The most common barrier to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past such as parental rejection, hostility, neglect and unresponsiveness.
  • For these reasons you may find it hard experiencing positive emotions towards yourself and you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.
  • Look out for the inner-critic – don’t ‘beat yourself up’, for beating yourself up. Understand what the inner-critic is and what it can do to you, and learn to respond to yourself in a more supportive way.
  • Becoming a better support person for yourself means fully understanding and working with all of your resistances to self-compassion. This will better allow you to connect with the parts of yourself that actually can be wise and caring, despite your inner struggles and difficulties. In this way, you will be better equipped to support yourself through life’s challenges (i.e., you will become more skilful, more supportive, more accepting, more encouraging and therefore ultimately more resilient).

Further Resources

Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) exercises 





Self-Compassion Books:


Depression, Self-Criticism, Difficult Emotions:

Neff, K. (2013). Self-Compassion Step by Step. Audio Program / Audiobook. Available here

Neff, K. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook : A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive.*

*Also has companion website with guided audio exercises: here. 

Germer, C. (2009). The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself From Destructive Thoughts & Emotions. Guilford Press

Neff. (2011). Self-Compassion: Stop Beating yourself up and Leave Insecurity Behind. Hodder & Stoughton.

Irons, C. (2019). The Compassionate Mind Approach to Difficult Emotions : Using Compassion Focused Therapy.  London: Little Brown Book Group.

Irons, C. & Beaumont, E. (2017). The Compassion-Mind Workbook. A step-by-step guide to developing your compassionate self. Little, Brown Book Group.

Gilbert, P. (2010). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges*

*Also available as an audiobook: here

Anger:

Kolts, R. L. (2012). The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Managing Your Anger. New York, NY: New Harbinger.

Anxiety:

Tirch, D. (2012). The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Overcoming Anxiety. New York, NY: New Harbinger. 

Social Anxiety:

Henderson, (2011). Compassionate-Mind Guide to Building Social Confidence. New York, NY: New Harbinger. 

Trauma & PTSD:

Lee, D. (2013). The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Recovering from Trauma & PTSD: Using Compassion-Focused Therapy to Overcome Flashbacks, Shame, Guilt, & Fear. New York, NY: New Harbinger.

Eating Disorders:

Goss, K (2019). The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Beating Over Eating: Bingeing & Disordered Eating. London: Little Brown Book Group.

You can also search for other compassion-related books, audiobooks & kindle, via large online stores such as Amazon or Bookdepository.

About Me: 

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.


To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

About Me: 

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

 

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs. 

Fears, Blocks & Resistances to Compassion

Overview

Compassion is one of the most important but most poorly understood concepts. Some people equate the word ‘compassion’ with kindness. Others equate being compassionate with being ‘soft’ or as being a ‘weakness’.

This page builds upon previous posts I have made which discuss the common myths about compassion and it introduces a very helpful concept – which will help you identify which aspects of compassion you find difficult. These difficulties will be collectively referred to as Fears, Blocks & Resistances (FBRs) to Compassion.

We know from recent research (here & here), that fears of offering compassion to oneself and others, and fears of receiving compassion from others, continues to significantly predict poorer social safeness and poorer mental health outcomes. Thus, the following page aims to explore the causes of these fears. 

Compassion Defined

A standard definition of compassion involves two-parts: “Sensitivity to the causes of suffering in one’s self and others” (Part A), combined with the “commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it” (Part B).

This does not just mean ‘being kind’ – Compassion may involve coming into contact with suffering so that you can do whatever is necessary to help reduce or stop it. Think of a mother throwing herself in harm’s way so as to protect her children (doing whatever needs doing!).

What this means is being willing to understand the nature and causes of suffering while also being willing and courageous enough to come into contact with (vs avoiding) that suffering, so that we can actually do something to eliminate or prevent further harm in the best ways that we can.

As you will see, this not always easy to do. Most people coming to therapy are eager to “alleviate” their suffering (the second part of the definition), but at the same time they are in fact insensitive to their own suffering. Read on, to find out why this is!

Firstly, compassion is a caring motivation that requires immense courage and an important set of inter-related motivations and skills that consist of: Having precise and sensitive awareness of suffering (Sensitivity); allowing ourselves to feel moved (Sympathy); having an ability to understand what is going on from different perspectives (Empathy); having an ability to tolerate distress (Distress Tolerance); and, having a non-judgmental attitude regarding what is going on (awareness of distress without ‘adding to it’ or going to threat / protective strategies).

Compassionate actions are caring and offer safeness to the recipient in times of need. In the Animal Kingdom, mothers of many species behave in nurturing ways that attend to the needs of their young – needs to provide food, comfort, and safety. Humans can also be seen doing these actions too – eg, mothers can often respond to distressed cries of their children who are seek attention, soothing, reassurance, and safeness.

Unfortunately, due to painful emotional or interpersonal experiences from our developmental histories (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, parental hostility, neglect or unresponsiveness), many people develop difficulties with the skills associated with Compassion and consequently experience one or more blocks to giving or receiving Compassion. In other words, these individuals have learned to associate warmth, closeness, caring, and soothing, with loss, pain, or Threat.

This is a significant problem, because as discussed below, a block to one or more of the three flows of Compassion is common across all mental health difficulties.

The Three Flows of Compassion

There are three flows of compassion:

  • Giving compassion to others

  • Receiving Compassion from others

  • Giving (and receiving) Compassion to the Self (Self-Compassion)

Fears, Blocks, or Resistances (FBRs) in any of these will indicate that a ‘threat’ orientation dominates an individual’s inner and outer world with respect to that particular aspect of Compassion. As you will see – this can play out in very complex ways. Read on…

Fears, Blocks, & Resistances (FBRs) to Compassion:

To Others: People often report that it is ‘easier’ to be compassionate towards others than it is to one’s self. We know that many people who treat others with compassion are harsher when it comes to how they treat themselves. However, when there are FBRs regarding giving Compassion to Others, this is often due to fears such as: “I will lose something” / “Others will take advantage of me” / “I cannot tolerate others’ distress”. Although to the recipient this may appear to be a complete “empathic failure”, such blocks are in fact protective strategies that make a lot of sense when you consider a person’s developmental history. FBRs in response to giving Compassion To Others are very common in people who experience intense anger, interpersonal mistrust, and narcissism and can lead to behaviours that hurt others and isolate the individual, resulting a deep sense of loneliness.

From Others: The main themes behind FBRs in response to receiving compassion from Others is – mistrust: ‘”I don’t trust other peoples’ motives – Why are they being so nice to me … what do they want… ?” “I fear if I need people to be kind, then they won’t be” “If someone is being kind to me, I put up a barrier”. People with this block have often either experienced a trauma, or have been repeatedly hurt, abandoned, or let down by others during significant times of need. Having a low trust in others could be thus viewed as a protective strategy – and one that makes a lot of sense.

To Self: Having FBRs around Compassion directed towards the self happens when one becomes insensitive to one’s own needs.  Commonly cited FBRs include: “I fear that if I develop compassion towards myself then I will become someone I don’t want to be” “I fear I will become a weak person” “I don’t deserve it!” “If I am nice to myself – I won’t get anything done” “If I allow myself to feel sad, then I will become overwhelmed with loss / grief”. There are many reasons why someone may respond in this way. Some people may have had a history of either being uncared or punished for having certain feelings and so they have learned that their needs are not important and thus they have ‘switched off’ their awareness of their own needs. For other people, the idea of engaging in self-compassionate, may trigger the threat system and is thus avoided. This is because one of the most common barriers to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past.

Fears of Compassion From Others and Towards Self

You might be surprised to learn that FBRs to receiving Compassion from others and FBRs regarding efforts to direct compassion towards Self are both closely related concepts. Specifically, what we know about FBRs to these Flows of Compassion is that people who experience blocks regarding the flow of compassion towards self are generally also blocked when it comes to receiving it from others. For instance, research has found that fear of compassion for self was linked to fear of compassion from others, and both were associated with self-coldness, self-criticism, insecure attachment, and depression, anxiety, and stress.

This is understandable, because both tap into the same overall concept of ‘receiving compassion‘. Often, we can use this understanding skillfully to open ourselves up to Self-Compassion gradually – by first being more receptive to noticing and receiving compassion from others (yes others – not ourselves). I liken this to opening a door or window just a  l i t t l e  and v e r y  gently – just enough to let a tiny little bit of light in.

For many people, this can be easier than being directly compassionate towards one’s self and it benefits you because you a strengthening your ability to receive compassion as a general concept. Practicing Self-Compassion can come next. 

One takeaway message is that the common saying “You can’t be kind to others, if you can’t be kind to yourself” is completely untrue because we know from the research that many people who are highly caring of others at the same time struggle with Self-Compassion. Furthermore, the developing one of these skills doesn’t necessarily lead to having the other. To become more compassionate and self-compassionate, we have to work on developing both skills. This calls for us to be aware of our FRBs and then to take action. 

What to do about it?

Self-compassion is an important predictor of mental health. As I’ve written about here, people with more self-compassion are more resilient in the face of set-backs or failure, less likely to experience depression, less likely to ruminate on negative social experiences, and more open to mental health treatment. Essentially, it pays to develop Self-Compassion: The greater your capacity to respond with Self-Compassion, the more resilient you will become.

Although Mindfulness can assist with the ‘Sensitivity’ part of Compassion, a significant amount of people experience some form of block and/or fear to opening up to the full flow of compassion. Many clients I see want help with the alleviation part of their suffering, but they are completely insensitive to being with the causes of suffering. Basically, they want to get to the ‘fix’ without caring for the part of themselves that is injured in the first place.

People who lack of Self-Compassion experience intense shame and self-criticism. As I discussed elsewhere this triggers the Threat System, which can result in self-attacking (self-harm) or a complete collapsing around their difficulty (depression).

If you find it hard receiving compassion from others, or you find it hard giving positive emotions or acting in caring ways towards yourself – you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance. As was discussed earlier, the reasons are completely understandable and they most likely relate to your developmental history.

I will write further self-help articles on how to develop the Compassionate Self when I get the time, but until then, please check out my page on Self-Compassion which has a list of resources at the end of the article.




 

Summary:

  • Despite the similar names, Compassion and Self-Compassion are two distinct skills.
  • There are three flows of compassion: to others, from others, and to the Self (Self-Compassion).
  • For some people, due to their developmental histories and emotional learning, Compassion and Self-Compassion may trigger a ‘threat’ response, giving rise to avoidance or even fear reactions.
  • Fears, Blocks, or Resistances (FBRs) are protective strategies that can play out in very complex ways.
  • FBRs around Self-Compassion are commonly expressed as shame and self-attacking, such as self-criticism. This is very common in depression.
  • The reasons for FBRs are completely understandable and they most likely relate to your developmental history and your learning about positive emotions.
  • Understand the relationship between FBRs about Compassion From Others and To Self…
  • If you find it difficult to allow or receive compassion from others, or you find it difficult acting in caring ways towards yourself – you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.

Further Resources:




Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) exercises 

 

About Me: 

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.


To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.

About Me: 

Dr Andreas Comninos, PhD Clinical Psychologist

 

I am a PhD Clinical Psychologist and EMDR Accredited Practitioner with over 15 years of psychotherapy experience. Whether you are seeking an assessment and diagnosis, or are searching for integrative research-backed ways to help you heal past wounds, break reactive-patterns and achieve long-lasting change, my aim is to provide a safe space for you to feel seen, understood, and empowered so you can make meaningful progress on your healing journey.

To learn more and to get in touch, please:

CONTACT ME

I endeavor to reply to all enquiries within 24 hrs.